Lent has come by and passed so quickly, I didn't feel It happened at all. Yeah.. I, Van, am not the same this year. I feel like the goodness of the Lord has just slowly faded and now gone completely. I didn't go to confession this year, I just didn't feel it. And I think it's okay.
So I won't be able to receive communion until I have the heart to go to confession. The church says you have to do it at least once a year, and the last I went was Christmas, so I'm still good. Hopefully by then I get over myself and just do it.
I think about him everyday even when I'm doing everything that's not right. I'm doing it even though I know it's wrong and I didn't say sorry for it either. I use profanity a lot more than usual, totally different from what I wanted before.. Where I try not to use any at all. Now It's just *%$@! mutha@%&*! %@*\!
I still go to church and everything... Out of Habit or something. Maybe that's the least I can do. But one day... I will come back to the Heart of Worship. Keeping these habits is going to let me come back easily. Trying to do good even though I don't pray anymore and don't let him in my life like I used to anymore and totally ignoring the voice. I Know he's still there, But I need -out- for now.
I'm doing opposite of what I'm feeling. Trying to decorate my room with holy things and inspirational words from scriptures. Making my sisters go to church with me even though they don't want to. Making Scapular necklaces and Rosary bracelets for people. But deep down inside I'm empty, I'm doing it to make that bridge to come back to Him. Some day I will turn back. I want it real bad, But not now.
*Sigh* Blah! other than that, I'm okay
