I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:
"My name is I AM"
He paused. I waited. He continued,
"When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I WAS.
When you live in the future,
with its problems and fears,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I WILL BE.
When you live in this moment,
it is not hard. I am here.
My name is I AM."
Helen Mallicoat
Thursday, July 6, 2006
I AM
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
When I was a Boy
Chapter Two: When I was a Boy
Category: Writing and Poetry
So here's the story that happened during 1st grade, which inspired me to write the haircut story. The succession from the boy haircut story. I know we all have secrets, and this is one of them for me, the time when i was a boy.
You'd think having a boy haircut for punishment isn't that bad right?! It will grow out soon enough. During the time i waited for my hair to grow out, i had to go to school and make new friends. Having short hair gave me a hard time to fit in with the girls, they all had their long pony-tailed hair, and i felt out of place. I didn't play with the girls, i kinda felt like they didn't like me because of my hair, i guess i wasn't good enough or something. Man, kids can be harsh, i didn't want to play with them either. Instead, I decided to run and play with the boys. I actually thought i was a boy! i think having a boy haircut caused me to have a gender confusion. Hahaha. No, i knew i was a girl. but being a boy at that time seemed right. it kinda helped me to make friends in school, 'boy' friends that is. maybe the boys thought i was a boy and only played with me because of that. It was cool with me. When something makes you happy, you just go with that right?! i was about 6 years old. I had friends, girls or boys it didn't matter, they played with me.
Playing with the boys was pretty cool. I learned a cool game that seemed inappropriate for girls to play. But i played it anyway. It's a game that's very popular between the boys. We only played this game during class where we can't run around making alot of noise. Kids are very creative back then and we were poor, we can't afford those expensive toys. Even if we did bring toys, the teacher would confiscate them. we didn't have yu-gi-oh cards or gameboys. We had to use our imagination and play with what we got. I don't know who came up with this game but thank God they did. It's a game where you can't get caught easily and only needed little equipment.
So, what game can a kid play during class that the teacher won't catch you playing? It's consisted of a basic school supply and every kid has one. it's very inexpensive. 25 cents can get you a brand new one to play with everytime. Well, it's the good ole' cracking pencils game. Each player has one pencil and the players take turns flicking their pencil on the other person's pencil. whoever breaks the other person's pencil before theirs break, wins. I think there are rules like if a player flicks their pencil but misses, loses their turn and you can't switch new pencils. Wow! isn't that an exciting game?!
Yes, it Was an exciting game, only until you get caught! what do you know, i got caught. You get in Trouble if you were caught by the teacher misbehaving in class. You know how kids are, we're so naive, 'how can you get caught playing crack pencil?!' We would play it under the desk and if the teacher pass by we would act like we were writing something and cover the dented part of our pencils. And then, when she's away, sneakily go back under the table for a quick flick at the pencil. Most of the time you'd get away with it, but that one time i got caught. Boy oh boy, did i got in trouble playing this game.
I was playing it with three other boys. the plan was, the last two that survive will play each other with their already beaten up pencils. who ever wins the two rounds is the ultimate winner. right when we got crackin' the teacher somehow found out what we were up to and called us out and looked at our pencils. Maybe it was the pencil snapping noise that gave us away. we were sitting in the back of the class in our little corner and maybe it can be easily detected by her ear. (I always wonder if teachers had super powers, it was when i taught CCD that i just naturally knew what kids were up to. I had to take away Yu-gi-oh cards from them.)
Anyways, me and the three boys each had to stand in the four corners of the class for a Time Out. not a big deal right?! well, it was for me, because I was a girl. Can you imagine what the teacher thought?! i really made her disappointed because it was bad enough the boys played it, but for a girl... What was i thinking? how about the girls sitting in their seats, what were they thinking as they look at me (with my short hair) standing in the corner?! Why didn't i just sit quietly like any other girl. I bet if i had long hair, I would get away with it easily. Sit there and innocently act like i was doing nothing. I mean, come on, I'm a girl!! But too bad, i had short hair, i thought it was okay for me to play with the boys. Those boys were nice to me and let me play with them. i mean, at first i knew i wasn't supposed to, but come on, cracking pencil was fun! But the consequences of playing this game gave me more than a lesson about misbehaving in class. It's not about my hair being short. Really, it made me realize being a girl takes alot, control that is. So, I stopped playing with the boys.
I guess it was fun and all, but when i was punished, i felt ashamed of myself. Why didn't i understand, "I'm Not a Boy!" sometimes i wonder -what if i was a boy? (i know i'm not the only girl who thinks about this.) Boys can get in trouble and it would be okay because it's typical for boys to get in trouble. Man! i wish i was a boy. Anyways, I did break some pencils. but mostly, they break mines. there's a secret in playing this game too. the short pencils... they tend to be hard to crack. If i only knew that then huh?! I guess the boys had more experience and they know to use shorter pencils. I thought the bigger the better, but the shorter ones were more resilient.
I like how some boys play this game. it's like they're professionals or something like trying to scare the other players. they have very strong grip on their pencils and they move it slowly towards the other pencil only to let it go, at the final moment, and hit the pencil with fullest force. and even sometimes they move it close to the pencil in slow motion but pulls it back right before it touches the other pencil and does it again and again until the third one. And finally, on the third one they let it hit hard and make the biggest dent on the other pencil as much as they can in hope that the next time they hit it, it'll break. if you were good at this, it take less than five flicks to break a pencil.
Category: Writing and Poetry
So here's the story that happened during 1st grade, which inspired me to write the haircut story. The succession from the boy haircut story. I know we all have secrets, and this is one of them for me, the time when i was a boy.
You'd think having a boy haircut for punishment isn't that bad right?! It will grow out soon enough. During the time i waited for my hair to grow out, i had to go to school and make new friends. Having short hair gave me a hard time to fit in with the girls, they all had their long pony-tailed hair, and i felt out of place. I didn't play with the girls, i kinda felt like they didn't like me because of my hair, i guess i wasn't good enough or something. Man, kids can be harsh, i didn't want to play with them either. Instead, I decided to run and play with the boys. I actually thought i was a boy! i think having a boy haircut caused me to have a gender confusion. Hahaha. No, i knew i was a girl. but being a boy at that time seemed right. it kinda helped me to make friends in school, 'boy' friends that is. maybe the boys thought i was a boy and only played with me because of that. It was cool with me. When something makes you happy, you just go with that right?! i was about 6 years old. I had friends, girls or boys it didn't matter, they played with me.
Playing with the boys was pretty cool. I learned a cool game that seemed inappropriate for girls to play. But i played it anyway. It's a game that's very popular between the boys. We only played this game during class where we can't run around making alot of noise. Kids are very creative back then and we were poor, we can't afford those expensive toys. Even if we did bring toys, the teacher would confiscate them. we didn't have yu-gi-oh cards or gameboys. We had to use our imagination and play with what we got. I don't know who came up with this game but thank God they did. It's a game where you can't get caught easily and only needed little equipment.
So, what game can a kid play during class that the teacher won't catch you playing? It's consisted of a basic school supply and every kid has one. it's very inexpensive. 25 cents can get you a brand new one to play with everytime. Well, it's the good ole' cracking pencils game. Each player has one pencil and the players take turns flicking their pencil on the other person's pencil. whoever breaks the other person's pencil before theirs break, wins. I think there are rules like if a player flicks their pencil but misses, loses their turn and you can't switch new pencils. Wow! isn't that an exciting game?!
Yes, it Was an exciting game, only until you get caught! what do you know, i got caught. You get in Trouble if you were caught by the teacher misbehaving in class. You know how kids are, we're so naive, 'how can you get caught playing crack pencil?!' We would play it under the desk and if the teacher pass by we would act like we were writing something and cover the dented part of our pencils. And then, when she's away, sneakily go back under the table for a quick flick at the pencil. Most of the time you'd get away with it, but that one time i got caught. Boy oh boy, did i got in trouble playing this game.
I was playing it with three other boys. the plan was, the last two that survive will play each other with their already beaten up pencils. who ever wins the two rounds is the ultimate winner. right when we got crackin' the teacher somehow found out what we were up to and called us out and looked at our pencils. Maybe it was the pencil snapping noise that gave us away. we were sitting in the back of the class in our little corner and maybe it can be easily detected by her ear. (I always wonder if teachers had super powers, it was when i taught CCD that i just naturally knew what kids were up to. I had to take away Yu-gi-oh cards from them.)
Anyways, me and the three boys each had to stand in the four corners of the class for a Time Out. not a big deal right?! well, it was for me, because I was a girl. Can you imagine what the teacher thought?! i really made her disappointed because it was bad enough the boys played it, but for a girl... What was i thinking? how about the girls sitting in their seats, what were they thinking as they look at me (with my short hair) standing in the corner?! Why didn't i just sit quietly like any other girl. I bet if i had long hair, I would get away with it easily. Sit there and innocently act like i was doing nothing. I mean, come on, I'm a girl!! But too bad, i had short hair, i thought it was okay for me to play with the boys. Those boys were nice to me and let me play with them. i mean, at first i knew i wasn't supposed to, but come on, cracking pencil was fun! But the consequences of playing this game gave me more than a lesson about misbehaving in class. It's not about my hair being short. Really, it made me realize being a girl takes alot, control that is. So, I stopped playing with the boys.
I guess it was fun and all, but when i was punished, i felt ashamed of myself. Why didn't i understand, "I'm Not a Boy!" sometimes i wonder -what if i was a boy? (i know i'm not the only girl who thinks about this.) Boys can get in trouble and it would be okay because it's typical for boys to get in trouble. Man! i wish i was a boy. Anyways, I did break some pencils. but mostly, they break mines. there's a secret in playing this game too. the short pencils... they tend to be hard to crack. If i only knew that then huh?! I guess the boys had more experience and they know to use shorter pencils. I thought the bigger the better, but the shorter ones were more resilient.
I like how some boys play this game. it's like they're professionals or something like trying to scare the other players. they have very strong grip on their pencils and they move it slowly towards the other pencil only to let it go, at the final moment, and hit the pencil with fullest force. and even sometimes they move it close to the pencil in slow motion but pulls it back right before it touches the other pencil and does it again and again until the third one. And finally, on the third one they let it hit hard and make the biggest dent on the other pencil as much as they can in hope that the next time they hit it, it'll break. if you were good at this, it take less than five flicks to break a pencil.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Where Am I?
So if you're here to leave me a comment, You're such a sweetheart! and you're also in luck too because i'm updating here for those who really cares.
i know you all are wondering what's going on with me. Well, i'm back in New Orleans. For almost a month now. unpacked everything two days straight. went job hunting the day after. But decided to put that on hold. We wanted to do a vacation before we started work. So, for about a week i went to an early vacay to P-cola with my two little sisters. We wanted to beat the July 4th crowd and do something for thao-vi's graduation trip. Also to visit our cousins, (they couldn't attend the ceremony)we wanted to spend sometime with them. We're all growing up so fast you know. Uhh.. went to the beach two days back to back and got sun burnt. My skin isn't looking to good. It's kinda peeling. First day the water was so calm... we just floated out there. we stayed close together and started singing kiddie songs, i think we got people's attention when we were singing happy birthday really loud! BTW, Happy Birthday Stephen! Second day, waves was a little rough because of T.S. Alberto. we were literally catching some waves. I couldn't survive out there without a boogie board. That day was more fun, but the waves hit me real hard. So I just sunbathed the rest of the day. Third day we went shopping & bowling. Second day we watched movies all day and went out to eat at night. fourth day, we planned to go home but decided to stay back another day because Sean came down late. We went bowling again and played cards at night. fifth day, we went home.
After that week, my sister from Lafayette came down for father's day and we pig out and their two kids stayed with us in New Orleans for three more days. The big thing is... it's their frist time without their parents. They're only 5 and 2. i drove them back home to Lafayette and i stayed there for a day and went shopping. Lately, I've been working on my sister's wedding flower stuff and party favors. also, getting paperwork done to go back to UNO. My little sister is starting college, been helping her out here and there. But we recently bought some chinese movies and we're so addicted and been watching them everyday. I want to find a job, but i'm so picky. I want it to be easy and pays well. and no Food service, i had enough at Castnet. I don't want to work late at night either. New Orleans is a little dangerous right now -especially for girls. I read some articles about a gang called 13. they've been racking up crime rates in N.O. Eletricity cuts off often, i'm getting used to it. My cousins from Penn state is moving back home soon, and my family is going on a vacation trip for july 4th. Been busy with my family, you know i love them to death. Can't wait to reconnect with old friends again. If you haven't notice, i'm getting back to Xanga. I got a myspace too. i found long lost friends on there more than on here... pretty cool place. Uhh... that's about it. I could make this update more personal by writing about my feelings, but i've been writing so much in my journal... and there's no way i can type all that in here. But i'll try... In one phrase: I'm doing much better right now. a relief, a good one too. i think it's called gladness. *sigh -with a smile*
i know you all are wondering what's going on with me. Well, i'm back in New Orleans. For almost a month now. unpacked everything two days straight. went job hunting the day after. But decided to put that on hold. We wanted to do a vacation before we started work. So, for about a week i went to an early vacay to P-cola with my two little sisters. We wanted to beat the July 4th crowd and do something for thao-vi's graduation trip. Also to visit our cousins, (they couldn't attend the ceremony)we wanted to spend sometime with them. We're all growing up so fast you know. Uhh.. went to the beach two days back to back and got sun burnt. My skin isn't looking to good. It's kinda peeling. First day the water was so calm... we just floated out there. we stayed close together and started singing kiddie songs, i think we got people's attention when we were singing happy birthday really loud! BTW, Happy Birthday Stephen! Second day, waves was a little rough because of T.S. Alberto. we were literally catching some waves. I couldn't survive out there without a boogie board. That day was more fun, but the waves hit me real hard. So I just sunbathed the rest of the day. Third day we went shopping & bowling. Second day we watched movies all day and went out to eat at night. fourth day, we planned to go home but decided to stay back another day because Sean came down late. We went bowling again and played cards at night. fifth day, we went home.
After that week, my sister from Lafayette came down for father's day and we pig out and their two kids stayed with us in New Orleans for three more days. The big thing is... it's their frist time without their parents. They're only 5 and 2. i drove them back home to Lafayette and i stayed there for a day and went shopping. Lately, I've been working on my sister's wedding flower stuff and party favors. also, getting paperwork done to go back to UNO. My little sister is starting college, been helping her out here and there. But we recently bought some chinese movies and we're so addicted and been watching them everyday. I want to find a job, but i'm so picky. I want it to be easy and pays well. and no Food service, i had enough at Castnet. I don't want to work late at night either. New Orleans is a little dangerous right now -especially for girls. I read some articles about a gang called 13. they've been racking up crime rates in N.O. Eletricity cuts off often, i'm getting used to it. My cousins from Penn state is moving back home soon, and my family is going on a vacation trip for july 4th. Been busy with my family, you know i love them to death. Can't wait to reconnect with old friends again. If you haven't notice, i'm getting back to Xanga. I got a myspace too. i found long lost friends on there more than on here... pretty cool place. Uhh... that's about it. I could make this update more personal by writing about my feelings, but i've been writing so much in my journal... and there's no way i can type all that in here. But i'll try... In one phrase: I'm doing much better right now. a relief, a good one too. i think it's called gladness. *sigh -with a smile*
Back On Track
I'm slowly feeling like my life is coming back together again. My life was put on hold for a while. It seemed long at first, but it finally passed. Now, i'm back home and starting to feel the life I once had come back... And with a rush too. I'm getting happier and it's so exciting. It's a little overwhelming to me though. I was really depressed for a time and now that all these good things are happening to me left and right, it's making me feel So Blessed.
Sure, there are some things that are still missing, but I'm grateful of what i have right now. You know, sometimes you have those moments where you want it to last forever. i feel one. I don't want another hurricane did what it did to me a few months ago. I want my life, as it is right now.... Feel everything of "my life" and have this feeling last forever. I don't know what i'm talking about. All i can say is, I'm doing much better right now. a relief, a good one too. i think it's called gladness. *sigh -with a smile*
Sure, there are some things that are still missing, but I'm grateful of what i have right now. You know, sometimes you have those moments where you want it to last forever. i feel one. I don't want another hurricane did what it did to me a few months ago. I want my life, as it is right now.... Feel everything of "my life" and have this feeling last forever. I don't know what i'm talking about. All i can say is, I'm doing much better right now. a relief, a good one too. i think it's called gladness. *sigh -with a smile*