Living Dead

Today is All Souls Day. What a perfect day to write what I need to write today. My parents care about the world and how they are percieved by the world so much that they don't care what misery they put their children through becuase of their faces.
and this it true because of what happned to my older sister on her wedding day. they left her alone at her reception on her wedding day to serve the guests that weren't able to go to the reception and instead my parents stayed home to arranged a meal for those guests instead of sharing that special day with Hoa.
I can't live my life how I want to because of their faces. they would dis-own me before I could embarass them and I can't do anything to jeopordize that image of a perfect family. they wanted to take my life away, taking my car away and telling me to tell Vinh to drive me to places and move out and live with him. They almost killed me tonight. I was literall thinking of jumping off a bridge to relieve myself of being alive in misery as much as I am dead. I felt life-less and didn"t mind the slaps and hit and being literally stamped on by my parents. I have two big knots on my head to prove it. I wished they would have achieved murdering their own daughter before I could ruin their reputation. What's the point in living when I'm living not for myself but for my parents. I've been doing everything they want me to do all my life. and once I start to live my own life they crush it. I really need to get out of here... before I die. Maybe I'm already dead. Not literally dead, but my inner-self, who I truly am will die. I would be living, but not to my fullest because now i have to restraint my life before I embarass my parents. They think I'm sleeping over at vinh's too much and might end up pregnant. All i thought of it was convienient and sweet of him to have me over to rest up. I don't want to get into a car accident because i was falling alseep behind the wheel. I didn't think of it much, but my parents are fucking crazy. I hate their pride, it's killing our relationship. No more, I say. who gives a fuck, right? I never will say anything about anything in this house anymore. Well, i really didn't want to say anything at all tonight and just take the licks. i'm pretty good at that... taking hurtful things. enduring the pain. I really think that my parents wouldn't blink if i was preganant and had an abortion to keep from embarasing them. They'd rather lose a grandchild than have their reputation tainted. Fuck it, bring it on bitch, bring it on.... Life's a bitch... live it up or take it down.

Today was the best ever

I love Vinh and guess what? He loves me too.

Waking him up early in the morning to open the door for me so I can go to sleep in his arms. He opens the door with one eye open and in his wifebeater and boxers. and he gives me a peck on the cheek and locks to door while i take off my shoes. and then we go to sleep. When it's freaking old outside and I climb into his bed and snug my feet under his and feel how warm it is. And when he turns over and holds me like a bear. He asks me how was work and I tell him it was okay. and i asked him who won and he says LSU. and I ask him what time he went to sleep and he says i don't know. and tells me go to sleep. and we go to sleep.

when we woke up this morning and kiss here and there while being courteous of our morning breaths. hehehe... I held him a little tighter and i told him -you know i love you right? he said yes. and i asked him -do you love me too? He says of course! and we kiss again =) then I wake up and brush my teeth and he makes me something to eat.

Laying it all out there

OMG, so much has happened. I don't know where to begin. Why have I stopped writing in here?! I guess because I'm so tired and busy. Literally. But i'm living my life. =) no need to stop living to write about it as much. But all in all. I'm more alive than I ever was my entire life. Can I say..??.. I'm just.....

Living the life.

I saw him again one night going out with my girlfriends at masquerades. And it has been awhile since I've thought about him. I wonder how's he doing. I wish we could have been at least just friends. I want to ask friends around him about how's he doing. But I got no business to know. I kind of miss him randomly once in a while. Anyways, it's okay. Because I'm sure he's doing well. I knew we would be okay.. I think we both knew it all along afterall. I'm doing better, well actually doing very well without him. I'm starting to fall in love again when I thought he was the only one. I guess you have to let go one door to have another open. Although, I do still care about him, in spite of our non-existence of friendship. if we were just friends I would comfortably feel that I do care. The last words I told him was "Be happy and don't worry about me" I hope he is. Because I would feel bad if he wasn't and I am.

Jealousy

I think I'm getting jealous. I never knew I had it in me. It's a little heartbreaking with a little anger combined. =/ Whatever the case, I'm kinda sad. Feeling inadequate. Maybe this won't work out, I feel alone and confused. What am I supposed to do? Is he playing games? cause if it's serious, Idk what to do.

Summer 09

It's been a very long time since I've written in here. And I don't know where to begin writing. This summer has been blissful in many ways and quite depressing in others. I'm a newly graduate in rough times. I've been going on interviews and applying for work but still no luck. But all in all, looking on the bright side, I also had alot of time to spend with Vinh and getting to know him and his family better. His dad just got laid off this week and both of us are not working. And it's difficult to enjoy ourselves in these rough times. We're adults and must be resposible for every action we proceed with. Most days we don't do much and we're very bored out of our minds. Well at least I am. And I hate not to be working already. =\ Very Big **SIGH** But we try to occupy ourselves. I hate to be using the same complaint everyone is using with the slow economy. You'd think that it may not affect the healthcare system, but it sure is. But I hope there are brighter days to come. Sure there will right? =) I'm hopeful. I have my ups and downs, and right now, Let's just say I'm just not in the Ups, but I'm hardly in the Downs. You can't have everything right? well, I'm thankful for what I do have. All the people in my life. and all the small in bwtweens lil dramas and whatnots that's going on in my life. Hmmmm... I'm really out of tune with all this writing. But yeah, I'll be back. Vinh is calling.