Lost Soul

I don't know where to start. but I know gotta start somewhere, somehow. I really want this, but I can't find it in my heart yet and actually pull through. Everytime I get near it or given a chance to renew my life, I pull away. I need to get over myself and accept it. I know I can get him back in my life. From time to time I can feel him when I try to talk to him. But then I become overwhelmed with passion and much guilt and sadness. Maybe it's because of his strong love for me that kills me. And because I'm a sinner. I want forgivness, and I know he will give it to me, but I need to forgive myself first. I can't come to that point yet. But I do want to, at least try to. I just don't feel like I want to yet. I was at the door to confess for absolution, but I left it. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to go in and bust out a lie. I can't lie to myself and especially to God. So one day, I will find the courage to relive my life again. Live my life as I did before. Before I got lost.