Steady Days

My schedule this week has been jumping steadily from one thing to the next. I write lists and try to get as much done as I can. I just defrosted the beef to marinate tomorrow for this weekend. I need to get to my grocery list. and my other things to do list. I schedule out my day the night before to keep on top of things that's going on in my lfe. And there's plenty going on right now. Today I go to school instead of clinics and got so much done since I don't have to be there early. Oh, and my birthday was uneventful. Just another busy day for me. But I got out of clinics early! Went to school and picked up my reimbursement money and deposit it. =) and then went home to see my niece Nia. As I was watching her play, my eyes closed and I knocked out. woke up and went to the gym with my little sister. Did about an hour and half workout and went home and showered. I finished up my outline for my thesis paper and fill out forms for graduation. and ordered new glasses online. This morning, I took my time getting ready because I usually rush out of the house on other mornings. Bought lunch and went straight to school. Dropped off some mail as I went in and print stuff out for today's lectures and such. I also applied for my RRT clinical simulations for March 7th. 200 dollars man! Presented my topic to the class and after that ate lunch with my classmates. Where I recently found out Theresa is three months pregnant!! =) It was such great news, it kept me smiling all day. Then went to echo review class then after class I dropped off the cap and gown form in the bookstore. Then I called the gym to reschedule my fitness assesment. It's on for Monday at 6. Went across campus to student health and schedule an appointment to get my tetanus shot which is due this year and a Tb skin test too. I signed a wavier for the meningitis shot while I was there. Then went to the bank and got new crispy two dollar bills for my niece and nephews this weekend. I'm giving all them 10 dollars each. It's only four of them but I got 50 dollars worth in case my cousins come over. Then I went to smoothie king and changed my clothes there for gym. I packed my clothes and stuff the night before because I knew I would be in the city all day and don't want to drive back home just to change. Workout for an hour and a half and went home ate dinner and fell asleep while watching The Italian Job. Woke up and showered and tidy up and get ready for another day tomorrow. It's like ten right now and I'm not sleepy yet. But I will sign off soon and head to sleep.

Birthday Eve

I had a wonderful day today. Despite this weekend's mishap on my ankle, I survived a whole shift at clinics today. The highlight of my evening: Dinner with Ton. He's a very dear friend of mines. I think it's been ten years... well, maybe more... that we've known each other. I forget how many years because it's been so long. He invited me to eat Horinoya for my birthday!! =) Isn't it sweet? It was my first time there and the food was great. The ones he picked were the best. Most defintely a person who knows what to eat. It was Kobe beef?! I must write in details!!! Thinly slice kobe beef and it was setup with a hot pot with fresh vegetables and noodles all in front of us. We blanched the thin beef ourselves to our liking (raw or fully cooked). I cooked mines only slightly and it still looked pink with blood still dripping from it. And cooked the vegetables under simmering heat with noodles. It was very cool. We also ate something else that was beef too. The waiter cooked it fresh at our table. It was seared on the outside and raw on the inside set in its own ponzu sauce. Plus, the Passion Roll which consisted of alot of the raw fishes wrapped with no rice with its own dipping sauce. It was good too. That's alot of food for two people man! It was amazing we did a very good job finishing it besides the udon noodles. It was great because, to me, it was a big dinner but didn't left me feeling heavy. It's not the kind of food you eat to full and can't even walk out or want to fall alseep right after. After dinner, we drove around downtown enjoying the city lights and it's nightly liveliness. It was still early in the night on a Monday so very little traffic. He showed me places he'd been to and talked about things that happened there. He also showed me where Brad Pitt house was!!! Muah hahaha! I'm a newborn stalker now! LOL! Just kidding. But I'll try to pass by when I'm near. Which is rarely. Anyways, I had a very enjoyable evening. Very much like me and would love to do that again. Just being a part of the city and taking it all in. Ahhhhh, I'm thinking I'll save it for another entry.

Tet Eve

Tonight, I went to spanish mass. My ankle was sprained so badly I couldn't walk this morning. I was worried that I was making it worse for waiting too long to treat it. Also, it freaking hurts. I couldn't walk. So I went to a man in Woodland to treat it. I went on a Ferry to get over there! It was so cool. I can't remember when was the last time I was on a ferry. I never went on this Ferry to go to Algiers before. I always just drove on the CCC.
Anyways, Fireworks are exploding loudly outside this whole neighborhood. Making this short, because I continued my cleaning today and now I'm tired. It was slowed down by my ankle, but I cleaned up! =) I just got done getting ready for clinics tomorrow. Got my uniform and research articles to read. Set the alarm for 6:45 and going to make lunch in the morning.

Sprained ankle

I was cleaning the house for tet
and my body was sore from working out.
and i can't walk straight.
my clumsy self was just walking like normal
but twisted on my feet.
=(
So, My mom and Dad drove around to find
A vietnamese self skilled chiropractor
to fix my ankle.
Turned out two of my veins/tendons/muscles
whatever tissue other than the bone
were displaced and causes bruising and inflammation.
You can see it swelling and stuff.
He rubbed on some this vietnamese remedy medicine
and use a vibrator to massage it.
perhaps to ease the swelling and soften it up
so he can palpate for displaced tissues.
Then, painfully, but endurably, and quickly
he set it back into place.
And amazingly, when he asked me to walk.
I didn't feel the pain there as I did before.
It was so quick when he moved it back into place.
in less than a minute.
Someone needs to be his student and learn his skills.
I'm still healing though. it still hurts,
but it heals faster than it would if I left it alone.

The Gift

of freewill.
God Given freewill
for us to choose.
what to do.
I have been living, not living
dying, maybe actually died.
He didn't left me.
I was far away.
desolated myself
I put up this front.
of being catholic.
to do good
to prove that i love him
when i just didn't simply
just love him
I don't have to be a perfect person.
thank goodness
and then there's pain.
he's there, simutaneously
but me selfish/dependent/weak soul/lost
he called me this morning.
I'm in tears
as I write.
trying to remember the dream and analayze what eveything meant
As I think
I go into love
realizing how just briefly
sudden;y back into my life.
consolation
then figure if it's truly consulation
or myself thinking it's seem like the right thing
like with my eye maybe my mind
and not with my soul. my essence?
I don't know.
But I feel like i have to write it all down.
at least. i know I love him.
let's work on loving him.
Let's go back
"if... what??"
feel the signs.
green garbage truck?!
bonkers on my legs hitting pressure points and pain.
(maybe it's just my ankle)
endure the pain.
let go.
of what keeps you from coming closer to him.
froming living the life
being the truth.
let go of the front you think is right.
let go of the love you think you have for jesus.
(the love I have for jesus is the one I was taught to love him)
I have to find my own way to love him because I know I do.
This resposible/duty/seemigly righteous/kind of hypocrotic love I had for jesus isn't working for me.
his love is easy. (my yolk is easy come and rest with me)
It's not a job to love jesus. I was overworking myself to do all the things i thought were to love him, but I was so into doing the work I forget to just love him.
I had to face that fact. let go of it ("it"- this idea of being right/ doing the right thing/ the thing i thought he wanted taught by the church), and finally be free to love. live. freewill moment after I let go of everything. even the teachings of the bible. what do I choose?
I love him. is these wakings in the middle of the night = callings.
Oh my, I'm scared. desolation/consolation?
what does it all mean
something's coming back into my life.
that caused pain.
I felt a sense of warning.
I'd say bring it? I can endure it. as long as i come closer to jesus.
He'd warned me there'd be pain. as he did with his disciples.
what pain?! pressur epoints, if they attack in the right spots. can I let go of the pain?
I don't know. still trying to analyze.
I need silence. to think deeply.
brb.

P.S. I twisted my ankle the wrong way and currently in pain.

Smooth Roads

" Smooth roads never make good drivers. Smooth seas never make good sailors. Clear skies never make good pilots. A problem free life never makes a strong and good person. Have a tough but winning day ahead! Be strong enough to accept the challenges of life. Do not ask life, 'why me?' instead say, 'Try me'." -Valen

Status: In a relationship

Yes, I'm in a relationship. Anniversary date: January 22, 2009. With who? With myself for the next two years and a half. I want to stay dedicated and committed to myself to go to the gym at least three times a week. Maybe even more on good weeks. My goal was to fit into that graduation dress. But it's more than that now. And I decided that this is part of my life from this day forward. It cost me $$ but it will give many rewards in return. Strength, Endurance, Power of determination, and Feeling of Accomplishment. Who said money can't buy happiness? Well, they're right. Because I just bought on myself some pain. I recently joined a club membership at french riviera. and did some crazy things the past two days. and I feel muscle aches in my thighs, abs, and arms. The beginning is always the hardest. But one step at a time, I think I can get over it. If I can just push myself in the beginning, I know it will pay off. Just like school. The beginning was hard, but the past two years was worth it! This is the next part of my life. Here's to the next two years.

Sunrise

Why do I wake up so early in the morning?! I really want to go back to sleep. I have a long day ahead of me. so after clinics, I'm going to a free one week trail at french riviera with my little sister. I want to fit into my graduation dress that I'm borrowing from my older sister. It's a very nice dress and has all my favorite colors to wear on there. which is light blue, navy blue, black, and gray.
Also, my teeth is starting to feel funny. I wonder if it's because my cap is off for too long. But it's not uncomfortable. it comes and goes. I'm thinking it's just my gums. I've got an root canal extraction done to it, so I don't think I should feel anything.
My birthday is coming. I'm going for sushi, as usual. It's my favorite! and a cake too of course. I love specialty cakes. Just cake and dinner is all I can ask for. I need time afterward to do my thesis.
I finally picked a topic. Metabolic Syndrome with a respiratory aspect of Tobacco Smoking and cessation. Pretty good topic according to Dr. Zamjahn. He says no one has ever talked about it for a very long time in the program for their thesis. And gave me some direction to where my paper is heading. =) I'd like it to be interesting to talk about. And interesting to my fellow colleagues when I talk to them about it for our oral presentation. At first I didn't know what it was until now. It's medical conditions where you have hypertension, hyperglycemia, diabetes type 2, and at risk for cardiovascular disease.
anyways, damn these waking up in the early morning for nothing. I wanna sleep!

Singing Talents

So I was bored tonight and really can't sleep yet. Hence it's 1:00am in the morning! I know. I have to get up early at 6:45 to go to clinics. But I can't fall alseep yet. And I sure don't want to wake up 4-5 o' clock in the morning hoping to get another hour sleep in. That makes me tired too not being able to sleep straight through the night.
What to do to kill time and try to bore myself to sleep. Watch some youtube videos.
I watched Leona Lewis X factor shows. And somehow landed on Carrie Underwood singing the national anthem. And she did a very good job. Way much better than Kelly Clarkson. Oh, by the way I was comparing Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This" to Leona's. And I gotta say, Leona's is way much better. Then I got to watching more videos on National Anthem singing. Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, and Jojo were all similar and did not sound classically wonderful. It was non-traditional; but still good in its own poppish way. But the three I think who sings it best and made it sound very classically inspirational are (1) Beyonce, (2) Jordin Sparks, (3) Carrie Underwood.
After watching the best singers I know all sing one song. I really think they are truly some talented women. Two who came from American Idol. Carrie didn't win though, she won third place actually. Anyways I think Leona Lewis, Carrie Underwood, and Jordin Sparks are all much more talented than Kelly Clarkson. But no one can top Beyonce. She's very talented.

Simplifying

I'm trying to combine all my online journals into one.
I have too many sites that I visit
and write so many different things randomly.
I want to just have it in one spot.
So here's all my blogspots into one.
With xanga old entries.
I just need to add the pulses.
But how am I going to know the difference of a pulse and entry?
I guess it doesn't really matter how short it is.
and I'm trying to get livejournal in maybe tomorrow or something.
I think i have a few myspace entries too, but I always delete them.
And it's gone forever.
I have some saved on my hard drive too.
Uh huh, Yeah.

Still Up

From all the sleeping I did today,
I'm wide awake now!
It's like two in the morning.
No work or school tomorrow.
Just mass whenever I feel like going.
So that's good I guess.
I need to pick a topic for my senior thesis.
No idea.
I don't know why I can't sleep.
I really want a healthy sleep schedule.
I guess that's why I'm sick.
I can't work all day
and have 1/2 a goodnight sleep.
It's tiring.
It won't be good if it keeps up.
There's so many things going through my mind.
Sigh.

Sick

I'm on my period.
I'm tired from wacked up sleep schedules.
The weather is freakinshly cold.
I have dry skin.
Irritation areas on my cheeks.
Makes me look like a drunk from the redness on my cheeks.
Keep putting on lotion, but it kinda burns.
And I'm sick.
Slept the whole day and still feel tired.
I literally stayed in bed all day.
Not a good Saturday.
I need to get better soon.
I have another whole week to survive.

Sleepy thoughts

I can't sleep.
Had a nice night.
At least I know I have one friend.
well, maybe more than one.
They both came out today.
One intentionally invited.
while the other thought about me.
was very kind to return my notes.
without me asking.
the other,
it's been a while
since we had a good talk.
So it was good.
I have work at eight.
going back to sleep.
I hate waking up
in the middle of the night.
I'm trying to normalize
my sleep schedules.
hit the sack before midnight.
but wake up 4-5 in the am.
sigh*
I hope I fall alseep soon
alarm is set at 6:45

Solitude

Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation, i.e. lack of contact with people or love. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation (see castaway).

Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

A distinction can be made between physical and mental seclusion. People may seek physical seclusion to remove distractions and make it easier to concentrate, reflect, or meditate. However, this is not necessarily an end in and of itself. Once a certain capacity to resist distractions is achieved, people become less sensitive to distractions and more capable of maintaining mindfulness and staying inwardly absorbed and concentrated. Such people, unless on a mission of helping others, don't seek any interaction with the external physical world. Their mindfulness is their world, at least ostensibly

Solitude
I looked it up on wikipedia(above)
I think that's what I wanted to do for a while.
I want to hide away.
I can't face the world yet.
I'm scared and worried
I really need to focus anyway
Especially at the end;
the next beggining.
I'm lonely. All alone.
But I find it's where I belong
at this point of my life.
I really need to let it go.
Nothing and no one can hold me back.
My fears, failures, and any hopes left.
Forget the sad ways of my life

I need to accept who I am.
I'll never change as much as I want to
I'll always be unattached
I'll never be in too deep.
I'm at my best when I'm alone.
I'm not perfect.
I just found one of the beiggest things missing in my life.
friends.
I don't have any.
not any real ones.
And it's not surprising.
It's my fault really.
I never let myself open to people.
I have before, at one point of my life.
But there's pain, betrayal, and heartache intertwined.
With Love & Pain.
I wanted to spare those feelings and always kept protective.
But now I realize it's impossible.
To have one without the other.
It's how I deal with relatioships.
relationships between lovers, between friends, between family
all are different but yet shares the most important key
trust.
I never trusted myself with someone else.
especially friends
last time I trusted another person I got hurt
not once but two three times to many
over and over again.
I'm tired of keeping relationships.
I guess I'm a coward for giving it up.
and not trying.
I don't blame anyone for disliking me
I'm disliking myself for that.
But whatever.
I'll be okay.

Stop The Habits

Turn it off.
Don't even look at it anymore.
Let it go.
Seriously, Let Go.
Erase, Avoid, Ignore.
Out of sight, Out of Mind.
There's nothing you can do anymore.
It's out of your control.
I think you're going a little crazy.
Get Over It!!!!

Step One

Quiet.
Relax.
It's going to be okay.
There's always a start,
to anything worthwhile.
Gracefully and quietly,
do your thing.
Be yourself.
Do what you want to do.

Seriously Ranting

I need a new place to write.
To write whatever and however I want.
There's no need for others to understand it
but mostly for me to release it.
I'm not a brilliant writer or anything.
I just want to write.
And here is where I want to do it.

Fantasy World

I think I'm suffering from a heavy dosage of indulgence from reading one of the best saga this decade. It is my escape from reality. My Fantasy World. It makes me forget about everything around me that I forget the time and even lose hours of sleep. And when I'm not reading, all I can think about is Edward and Bella. Silly, I know!! It's such a page turner. I haven't felt that excited over a book since my Nora Roberts days. And It's been years. I can't believe I finished four books in less than three weeks plus a 12 chapter supplement to Twilight from Edward's POV online. I wish it lasted longer. Talk about obsession over fiction. I'm head over heels for this character. But soon enough, I must put the book down and come back to reality. I couldn't have received a better Christmas present this year. I think I've spent my break doing something I really love. I love reading books for fun and not for studying purposes. I miss doing quiet things like reading, puzzles, and sleeping! And I love listening to bookstore music while doing quiet things, especially during reading of course. They're so relaxing and calming. I recently had a chance to be introduced to Yiruma. He's such a great classical pianist artist. I felt inspired and uplifted when hearing his music. It makes me miss that feeling of the old days when things were easier, less complicated, worry free, and simply happy.
I guess it's just me and I'm getting old. That wishful feeling of being young again really gets to ya. Ah Yes, I'm in denial of getting old. I don't want to grow up. I'm going to be 24 in a few weeks. Urgh. Sometimes I forget how old I am because the number is getting higher and higher. I have to think for a while to actually answer how old I am. You know you're getting old when your younger sister have to teach you how to use a cellphone. I can't even put it on silence or turn on bluetooth without her help. Or if your older sister is trying to hook you up with somebody she knows. As if I'm getting too old and better stop dating and settle down soon. But I hope I never get too old to write. This is somewhat my escape from the world too. To write. I've been writing journals since... I can't even remember cause I'm too old now. But it's another thing I enjoy very much. I love writing journals/blogs/stories/poems. It's another quiet thing I like to do. It's a time for myself, to be alone, away from the real world. When I get older than I am right now, I want to write a Book. One day... It's on my list of things to do. Maybe I'll become like a Rowling or Meyer. *giggles* It's okay for me to keep dreaming right?
I used to always write in a real journal/notebook alot. I still do from time to time. But I never finish my fourth journal book from 2007. I used to Love writing in that journal. I pray alot through that journal too. Well, sometimes I write to God, But most of the time I write as if I'm talking to someone I really care about. But I don't anymore because I've don't have that drive for me to write for them anymore. It was another thing I love to do with my quiet time though. Anyways, writing is one of my ways of praying to God. Apart from, the second best way I pray which is ironically the total opposite, singing loudly in the shower. But I think praying is the strongest in silence. Hence sometimes I pray through writing as if I'm writing to God. But not as of this moment. I'm just writing about God. Not to Him. But he knows that. When it really gets down to praying, whole heartedly, for me is writing. And I just don't write one paragraph. It goes on and on to for couple of pages, front and back. And I start from left top corner and end on right bottom corner of the page. When I go back to read my prayers I see watermarks from my tears as I flip through them. I haven't done that in a while. I've been writing through typing alot. Yeah... I should go back to writing in my journal.... I just need to find it first.