of freewill.
God Given freewill
for us to choose.
what to do.
I have been living, not living
dying, maybe actually died.
He didn't left me.
I was far away.
desolated myself
I put up this front.
of being catholic.
to do good
to prove that i love him
when i just didn't simply
just love him
I don't have to be a perfect person.
thank goodness
and then there's pain.
he's there, simutaneously
but me selfish/dependent/weak soul/lost
he called me this morning.
I'm in tears
as I write.
trying to remember the dream and analayze what eveything meant
As I think
I go into love
realizing how just briefly
sudden;y back into my life.
consolation
then figure if it's truly consulation
or myself thinking it's seem like the right thing
like with my eye maybe my mind
and not with my soul. my essence?
I don't know.
But I feel like i have to write it all down.
at least. i know I love him.
let's work on loving him.
Let's go back
"if... what??"
feel the signs.
green garbage truck?!
bonkers on my legs hitting pressure points and pain.
(maybe it's just my ankle)
endure the pain.
let go.
of what keeps you from coming closer to him.
froming living the life
being the truth.
let go of the front you think is right.
let go of the love you think you have for jesus.
(the love I have for jesus is the one I was taught to love him)
I have to find my own way to love him because I know I do.
This resposible/duty/seemigly righteous/kind of hypocrotic love I had for jesus isn't working for me.
his love is easy. (my yolk is easy come and rest with me)
It's not a job to love jesus. I was overworking myself to do all the things i thought were to love him, but I was so into doing the work I forget to just love him.
I had to face that fact. let go of it ("it"- this idea of being right/ doing the right thing/ the thing i thought he wanted taught by the church), and finally be free to love. live. freewill moment after I let go of everything. even the teachings of the bible. what do I choose?
I love him. is these wakings in the middle of the night = callings.
Oh my, I'm scared. desolation/consolation?
what does it all mean
something's coming back into my life.
that caused pain.
I felt a sense of warning.
I'd say bring it? I can endure it. as long as i come closer to jesus.
He'd warned me there'd be pain. as he did with his disciples.
what pain?! pressur epoints, if they attack in the right spots. can I let go of the pain?
I don't know. still trying to analyze.
I need silence. to think deeply.
brb.
P.S. I twisted my ankle the wrong way and currently in pain.
