Why?

I told myself to get over him but i always seem to come back at this state. I think i'm just missing him today. maybe it's the mood swings. BUT, Maybe it's for real. I thought about him alot today. and i wish i can tell him things i haven't been telling him, because i need to release some feelings out of my mind. I think i'm going to be crazy again. I have this urge and need to tell him this but i can't! because what if things do start to happen again, and i'm not ready. I really don't know what i want. i need someone to get through me and tell me that "it's okay". That i can have a relatioshp with someone, and that it'll be okay if i'm not ready because eventaully i will be. And that whatever my parents or family may think, it'll be okay, because it's about me and my life. But, Yet, I'm still afraid of it. Afraid of myself and him not being able to work things out and than we'll just break-up again. I want to be in love with him again, and i want him to love me back. i need to see him and renew my life again and actually smile agian, inside and out. i'm am so dead right now without him. I'm just living accordingly from people and not myself. But when i'm with him, i become myself. i need him so much, why am i living without him? How can i still walk the streets and block him out of my life and go throught with it? I dunt know. But i did and it wasn't pleasant. and i only tried blocking him, i never acutally got him out of my mind, Because if i did, i wouldn't be here writing this. I miss him so much. and i think i still love him. I need to tell him, but for some reason i am not.