New Year, New Leaf

2006
This is a chance for me to do something. I have resolutions this year.
-First is not going online too much, so today is my last day. If someone wants to contact me, my number is 504-717-0687. I'm going to stick to one site, this one, so not alot of xanga no more.
-Second, I want to lose weight, but wanting is not the same as doing it. Dear God help me with some will power. I'm going to lose weight!!
-Third, Be nicer. Some people think i'm nice, but I don't think I am. I'm very selfish and inconsiderate of other's feelings. I need to learn to put myself into other's people shoes. I have to stop blurting out the wrong things.
-Lastly, I need to be smarter as in Street Smart. When i have to learn it the hard way, I will. Need to be quick and think smart and be wiser.

By the way, I'm going to write in my pen/notebook journal from now on. It's more private and more meaningful to me than typing things on the internet for the public to see. Okay, I feel bad that I won't be sharing anymore things about my life to friends anymore, but i don't want to seem conceited. I'm going to read about their lives more than I write about mines. Either way, writing in a notebook seem more real to me. like people always say, keep it real. And i'm going to keep it real by writing in a journal notebook. What got my starting to post journal entries all over the internet in the first place? oh well, i have too many journal places, and i need to stop it, losing track on entries here and there and who's on which journal site. However, I'll keep my membership on it, but only with the intent to keep in touch with friends. other than that, I got one thing to say to end this, Keep it real people.

Holidays In FL

Oh yeah, i went to Florida yesterday. and today.. my body is sore!!! I played dodgeball with the boys and had fun!! then at night we went bowling. I did pretty good! Most of my balls hit the pins. No strikes though. =( i had a couple of spares. I finally made 100 points! then we went to waffle house and we saw a live Jerry Springer show. LOL! yea, that's about it. I'm going to really miss those boys, who knows when we'll see each other again. It was great seeing Sean this time, i haven't seen him in years. Paul, next time i'll give you a long massage okie dokie?!

Merry Christmas!!

Isn't it great spending Christmas day with our families? Spending christmas with family is very cool to me. I wanted to go out with my friends, but my parents wouldn't let me out at night since New Orleans is not the same anymore, It's too dark and creepy or whatever they say. Oh well, I'm pretty used to not going out anymore. dude, I think I'll never go out again. Anyways, my grandma is getting really sick, I haven't mentioned this but she was in the hospital last week. fortunately, she went home after two days there. She needed a blood transfusion, but decided not to do it, turned out she's fine and back in New Orleans for good now. So that means it's just me and my two little sisters at the apartment. I really want to stay home in New Orleans though. My house is so beautiful!!! I dont' want to Leave. The greatest Christmas gift ever..... a beautiful room!! I love my house more than ever! It may looks crappy on the outside, but on the inside, it's very nice and warm. My lil sis forget to bring the picture loading string, so imma have to wait til i get back to laffy to upload the pictures.

Home for Christmas

there's no feeling better than going home for Christmas. Going home later today in the evening. They didn't put up the Christmas tree yet, so i guess me and my little sisters will put it up tonight. Merry Christmas Everyone! and a Happy New Year!




This is my house right now. The renovations are looking real good. I'm so proud of my dad working so hard fixing up our house. It looks so nice!

if the pictures doesn't show just click on it and it'll bring you to the webpage.

Personal Entry

So, Being true to myself. I must write all that I'm feeling. although it may not be clear but i need to help myself understand all that i'm going through right now. My feelings for liem is gone but like i still think about him alot. i don't know why. I'm worried and don't understand anything that's going on between us. i'm so lost and confused everytime something happens between me and liem. What am i supposed to do. I can't love him anymore. because simply, i feel he's not the one. Maybe because i think he's boring and not romantic as i want him to be to me. He's a lil strict and highly demanding, like things should go his way and nothing else. all the questions he asks is ef-ing me over. why doesn't he tell me straight up and get it done and over with. I want him to be brutally honest with me, even when he feels like he can't be. He's so hard to talk to now, we're so distant. so, I think his feelings for me are real, because he said something like -why would he want for me to be with someone else, when he wanted to be with me. *wish i could take back whatever i said to make him say that* But i feel like he's not telling me things i need to know. Jimmy told me that liem wrote a letter to Ngoc like he did to me, but she didn't respond to it yet. Whatever Jimmy told me about his letter to Ngoc, i don't want to beleive it because it may be different from mines. hang told me he was fine and that he was getting drunk! but that isn't important. is he screwing me over?! what did he want from me?! Really?! what was his intention in the first place? Ugh I can't believe what Jimmy told me is getting to me. He said that Liem is a late bloomer of his sexuality. yeah, he may be Gay. But i told Jimmy that liem's feelings for me a real. And somehow he convinced me that his feelings for a girl was real too, but really he learned later on that He's gay. Jimmy told me that one time during hgih school liem and him talked on the phone for a long time and liem wanted to stay up and talk longer. Jimmy said that straight guys don't do things like that to other guys. Oh god! am i going Nuts?! well, him and Jimmy don't talk much so i really don't want to rely on his opinion about liem. i trust myself about liem more than what other people may say about him.

i know many times i say -not only to liem but other to guys too- that i'm not ready for a boyfriend. But that's the truth. i'll never be ready to have a boyfriend. I'm not girlfriend material, but i won't let it stop me from trying. i'm still trying to find the guy to do that with. I'm kinda working on one right now. His name is Loi aka Charming. i want to tell him i like him but then i'm scared it'll ruin what we have right now. I don't know! relationships are so complicated. i know i should really tell him that i like him but what happens if he doesn't like me back. Fuck. then okay i can accept the dude is not interested, but from then on, things are not going to be the same anymore. and he said it himself just like i did, that we both are not ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend. His is time and money, and me just simply because i'm emotionally unstable and would rather focus on school. and he told me himself that when he once told the girl that he liked her, things went badly. and he wants to learn from that and want to keep things interesting without the verification that they liked each other, because maybe they simply do. i'm counting on that.

when i first met him, i didn't think about him much in this way. i just enjoyed the time we sat with each other and just talked. That i adored very much about him but didn't think of it much. we we're just very good friends. also, i was kinda talking to Paul during this time. I told Loi about Paul too! and you know what... he said something that kinda made me think twice about Paul. he said to really think things over and that when you like someone you'd do anything for them and this whole analogy thing about sparks/fireworks and he asked if paul told me that he like me. and i lied to him and said yes because i didn't want to feel bad that paul didn't. i was kinda geting a hint that Loi likes me but i couldn't beleive it and just let it go in one ear and out the other. Maybe because i felt that it was wrong of me to kick the thing i have betwee me and paul away. by the way, me and Paul agree to be friends shortly after we began to get closer. I never let Loi know about that because we're just friends right? later on, when Loi and i stopped talking, i realized how much i Liked him. Yes, i finally like him. Then i recall all the times when he called just to talk. He was the only guy that called me that much. He called me rigth after i got out of work. he called me three times in one week in a row. We talked into the wee hours. and i remember that he once stayed outside in the cold just to talk to me! he shared his xangas with me before he even post them. silly Loi, he writes out his post with pencil and paper before he put it on the computer. He talks about food alot. and he shared with me things about his ex girlfriends. How could i be so Blind?!

It was end of the school year at Mikimoto for his friend's birthday party that i spent some time with him and started growing feelings for him. I think it wasn't just a crush anymore now. Then there was one time at a BSC bbq back to school party that me and him really became closer. This was also the time when i ended my feelings for liem for good. but as the summer went by, i lost touch with him and thought that it was only a stupid crush and my feelings for him were just a fantasy i lied to myself that they were real. I mean, he's very hard to get and i'll never have a chance with him and really need get over myself and move on. So the first week of school I really need to be away from him because all the feelings i have for him are growing stronger and i couldn't handle it because i thought we could never hit it off. I really distant myself from him, and when i saw him sad because i was being cold to him and not myself towards him, i felt bad. i thought i just needed to be away from him to stop the stupid crush and i thought maybe later on when i feel much better we can just be friends again like we were. During that week i saw him at least once everyday and everyday he asks me if i wanted to go and eat lunch with him and stuff. i'm thinking this guy is so nice! Is he just asking me because that's what he would ask any girl?! Oh Yeah, i found out he became friends with Thao and he was having so much fun with his group of friends which included hotgirl Lisa. As for me, i was left out and I wanted to get over him because he's just a crush! I felt... Ugh! the feelings that are churning up inside are becoming out of control. Ahh!! why is he so Hot?! But either way, i was busy everytime he asked me to go, i needed to pick thao-vi up from school. I coudn't beleive i had feelings for such a guy like him. maybe i don't want to tell him that i like him because what he said was true, look what happened to me and paul.

Then the hurricane came and ruined our lives. Then It all went down from here. my life is changed forever. I thought me and Loi will never be. and to make matter worse, he was staying with his new friends and Thao was one of them. I envied her having the chance to spend more time with him and she may realize what a great guy he is and fall for him as i did. I couldn't take it anymore and called thao up. I wanted to know if anything is hapening. But to my surprise. I was all wrong. i asked her if she was talking to anyone, she said she is not. But in return, she asked me if there was something going on between me and loi. I have no idea why she knows about my feelings for him. Either she must be psychic or i think Loi told her. I don't talk to Thao very much about my life and she couldn't have ever known that me and Loi used to talk. I think Loi told her about me and him. And to have him mention me to antoher girl like Thao, means something right?! I think he likes me! So during the Huriicane. I called him up. i never told him about that conversation i had with Thao, but i did told him i talk to her. So that's when i was okay of liking him. The only bad thing is that we don't see each other. I dont' call him alot anymore, because he's having fun and i don't want him to be sad about me. He's a very optimistic person and really everytime i talk to him he makes me feel better. But then i think i'm getting annoying to him. So once in a while i call him up. And sometimes he calls me. I wish it was better than this, but due to the situation, I can't. But He's a very understanding person and he's very easy going, so somehow i find comfort that everything is okay when i'm with him. I want to thank God for letting me have such a great person to help me through this ordeal. i know Loi is there for me and i want to be there for him too. I pray for him, that's all i can do fro now. I want to give this relatinoship a try when i get back to N.O. well, if he wants to take that step with me. i want it to turnout well, it'll be very new to me and he can help me get through it, together.

Truly Friends

i don't know where to start. So out of the blue one day, he called me. First time on my cell. i thought he just wanted to talk and catch up on somethings. I was wrong, it was more than that. he called to tell me to read an e-mail he sent. I was getting nervous, and had a feeling what it was about. it was something i knew i had to go through with sooner or later.

i know people would think of all the stories they read about how they should tell the person they love that they love them before it's too late. Well, this is not a fairy tale. He told me he had nothing to lose and wanted to know if i still had feelings for him. he still cared for me and he thinks about what it would be like if we were still together. He wrote alot of little memories here and there and how much i mean to him.

I'm grateful this happened, because it cleared some of my thoughts that i had trouble with these past few years. i wanted so bad to still have feelings for him, but i couldn't feel anything in my heart. I had to tell him the truth about my feelings. that was the only thing i could do. it was the right thing to do. he said something about being childish, i didn't understand what he meant. okay so he needed me to spare the details and tell him if i liked him or not. Maybe it was like a -take me now or lose me all the way- kinda deal. What did he wanted me to say?! It's kinda childish of him to say that. Because i want to settle the situation in the best way possible. we need to quit lying to each other to make each other feel better or whatever. Am i supposed to say that i too still liked him and i wanted to be with him?! And start our relationship off with a lie?! No, i wanted to be friends. I like to build relationships on friendship. and to make it worse, i feel like we're not even friends in the first place. I told him I'm sorry, and that i moved on. If only he told me sooner things will be different. I wanted to know what was going in his mind, why he wanted to tell me this now. and i told him about this page too, and it's not going to be a surprise if he reads this.

he asked me if i wanted to work things out. Where do we begin to work at? Should we start over?! we could... but our past will still haunt us. Can we pick up where we left off?! no because it would never be the same. So i just wanted to be friends and get to know each other again, cuz lord knows we're both different people now. And who knows, we can laugh about our stupid past and go on with our lives.

he asked me how do i know it's not going to work if i didn't try. he asked me this before a long time ago. did i tried?! at first i didn't but later on i think i did. well, if he do like me that much, he would do anything for me. but I was the one who actually got him out to places with me, while i really didn't want to because i wanted him to do that. frist one was to the mall. and we talked about orchids alot. i wonder how does he ask girls out?! I don't know he never tells me. besides the point, i tried and i waited for him. I made it possible this past year, it was like my last chance! i was single and i wanted to spend time with him. I came up to him during school just to talk. i made appointments to meet up with him for lunch. i wanted to have fun and enjoy each other's company and go from there. okay, so he wanted to be alone with me that day by the lake, i thought having someone close there would make him feel better. besides it was only his cousin and plus, she's a dear friend of mine. I had no idea what he was feeling but for me. it was like we were just friends and had alot in common and nothing much more. There's probably so much that was going on in his mind, and he didn't have the courage to tell me about his feelings. and i'm sorry he didn't.

i hardly understand him anymore. he doesn't open up to me. i still trust him til this day and tell him things about my life. I was being honest and told him everything that was going on. on the other hand, if i wanted to know something about him, i had to ask. Like what am i supposed to ask?! he says, what do you want to know?! I'm like... i don't know what i want to know. I was up for anything. I wanted him to open up to me. to trust me with anything he has to say. i wanted him to be honest even if he felt he couldn't because i couldn't handle the truth or whatever. Now i feel bad because he couldn't handle my truth.

back then, I told him about "this guy" that apparently became a good friend of mines today. He thought it was the reason why we broke up. oh yeah, that's why we did brake up! it's because of me, i told him the truth about talking to "this guy" and i like the way "this guy" talked to me. "this guy" was open to me and didn't feel any shame of the things he tells me. Til this day "this guy" and i are still good friends as we were back then. okay, so maybe "this guy" told me and everyone that he likes me, but we agreed to be friends. What the hell do people take me for, go from one guy to the next just like that?! besides, "this guy" can fall in love with a random girl walking down the street. Sounds bad but i still respect the dude and he's my friend for other good reasons. Okay, so maybe "this guy" made him feel that he can't be with me, but i think there's more to it than that. I mean how can you simply let the girl of your dreams slip away like that to "this guy".

I told him about Paul. that time by the lake he asked me if i liked Paul. i told him I don't know. Honestly, i really didn't know. i was speechless because i was trying to get over him. i also told him about not being ready for a boyfriend because if I did like Paul; it was for the wrong reasons. Paul reminded me of him, and it was wrong of me to do that to Paul. Paul is such a nice guy. so maybe this was a reason why he didn't want to tell me about his feelings yet because of Paul and me not wanting a boyfriend. But you gotta give me credit for being honest. i was confused and I was laying my heart out and needed someone, at least from a friend. that day i felt that he was there to listen to me like a friend would, i thought that was good enough from him. What more can i ask for? he's a good friend and we would always be friends and nothing more. who would of thought he still had feelings for me right then. If he could of take that chance to do something... it would be different.

So now, we're kinda arguing, and it's going to take sometime for him to call me up to finish this argument. Oh yeah, i want him to keep in touch with me because we're still friends. even though we maybe mad, but we need to work on being friends. he was a lil hesitant when i asked him if i can call him and vice versa, but it was for the sake of our friendship, it may seem bad right now, but i feel that if we get through this our friendship can only grow stronger and not worse as it may seem right now. so i'm waiting for him to call me. i know many times i say -not only to him but other to guys too- that i'm not ready for a boyfriend. But that's the truth. i'll never be ready to have a boyfriend. I'm not girlfriend material, but i won't let it stop me from trying. i'm still trying to find the guy to do that with. I'm kinda working on one right now.

There's someone new in my life. He's very charming. let's call him Charming. i told Him about Charming. Charming is the reason i'm still sane on this earth during this hard time after-Katrina. Charming is simply just there when i need to talk about anything. Charming is open to almost anything i have to say. Charming can talk a good deal too and he always make me laugh. I do like Charming very much and i have a feeling he likes me too. but we're not together though, As of right now, we keep in touch through phone calls. Anyways, this journal is not about Charming. i told Charm about HIM. Charm said that i should let Him down easy. but it was too late, because it already went badly. Anyways, Charm said that i shouldn't of told HIM to call me because that's leaving HIM mixed signals that there might still be an open window. Oops, I'm not really good with relationships as Charm is. Charm had Five Ex-es, Who could blame the guy, he's Charming. So i explained that i wanted to keep in touch with Him because i still consider HIM as my friend. Charming is understanding and told me the best thing to do is give HIM time. On the other hand, liem wishes me and Charming the best of luck and happiness with him. And it's not even like that. well sort of. i do want it to be happy with Charming but that's not the thing here. I asked him if he was waiting for me to move on so that he can also move on too. And being sweet as he is, he Was waiting for me to move on so that he can too. all i can say is, whoever ends up with Him is a very lucky person. i hope he knows he's a very great guy.

Who knows what's going on in his mind. He says he's been thinking about alot of things after this hurricane and i was one of them. There's so much going on in his mind that he's not telling me, and i don't understand what he's going through. He wanted to know how he feels in the end. What end?! i know there's so much he's not telling me. Maybe it's because of his male ego. Either way, i just want him to TRUST me and OPEN up to me. okay, so i may not be the perfect person to talk to, but i really care for him, and i know he cares about me too. We want good things for each other, even when it means: me being happy with some else and him being happy with someone else. See how good friends we are and not even know it!?! Someone asked me if He met someone new would i be jealous?! I wasn't jealous when he told me about Hong. I was Sad and i stayed calm. (post May 21, 2004) I didn't want to be jealous, because it's his happiness and being jealous won't make any difference about him liking her. It's been eight years since we've known each other and i can truly say we go way back. however, it's a shame i don't know anything about the guy i thought i loved. So if this is my chance to understand him, i'm so up for it. i hope Charming will be okay with this. because really, there's a risk of me falling for liem again. But really, I keep my heart in one place and I will not betray Charming because in reality I would only betray me and hurt myself. if i let my heart bounce from one place to another it'll be too painful to deal with compared to my heart being in one place, like it was for liem after so many years.

Once upon a December

My life is changing so much. it's to the point that my dreams of becoming a dentist will not come true anymore. i'm changing my major, or better yet, i'm not going to have a major. Somewhat like dropping out of college or something. Who would of thought, I would drop out of college. i really want to finish college with some kind of degree, but I don't know what. i really wanted to study to be a dentist. I'm so going through depression man. so far, this is the lowest point of my life. I'm taking a semester off from school. well, maybe.. i really want to keep my scholarship though, but i can't hold up to the grades or credits hours anymore. i have a rough time going to school. the little things adds up like parking, tuition bills, car rides, missing or being late for classes, and too stressed to pay attention in class. Maybe the new transition to the school was hard or all the sad news killed the spirit to study or maybe i'm just not smart enough. i think i messed up my life too much to fix it now. hopefully as the time pass, i will find strength to go back to school and finish it, even if it's not for a BS. i have no plans. my plan backfired and so did the rest of them i made just in case. What am i to do? i know friends tell me that i should cheer up and think of positive things. And i'm trying, but you can't be truly happy if it is forced. i'm going to take this time to think things over about my life. I feel so shitty right now. although my family may see that i'm fine, but really, i am not. they expected so much from me and now i can't deliver. that's why i'm so sad because i have to live with them. everyday they see me do nothing but waste my life away. And it's like I've grew apart from them, because we don't spend time with each other like we used to. it's like i lost my purpose to live. right now i'm just doing little errands and simply be there for my lil sisters when they need me. I'm not doing anything for myself, to better myself. i'm not even working. and i want to, but the time is difficult to manage since i'm needed randomly everyday. So work became out of the question. school came second for me and that's where i messed up ever since i started ULL. by the way, that school sucks. I work at my sister store though, but it's not really work. I'm just helping her out at the store. and she offers me pay, but who would take their sister's money like that?! And i really miss my friends. they're all so far away from me. i know some of them are going through something similar to me right now and can relate to me. But for some reason, i don't want their sympathy, because it seems like they're having fun with their life and won't understand. and i don't expect them to because I want them to enjoy their happiness and not to worry about mines. when i talk to them, i want to tell them the good things about my life, but there's not much to tell. and when i do talk abou my life, it's too depressing and i make them feel bad and they have no words ro reply with. they probably don't understand why i'm this way. i know i seem mad or pissed off at the world but i'm not, I'm just sad, and i just need everyone to be okay with me being sad, really... i'm okay with myself being sad. It's not pleasant, but i need this. don't be sad for me either, because it won't make it better. i kinda want to say "leave me alone" but honestly i so don't want to be alone. remind me of the happiness i once had. someday, i'll have it again.

Memoirs of a Geisha

Hey Everyone. Well, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. We’ll my turned out to be Not extravagant as I wanted it. I had better Thanksgivings. I miss having everyone home for the holidays. It was last minute that we had to cancel our dinner plans since my dad and the guys didn’t want to come home for thanksgiving. Hopefully this weekend they’ll come home for a late thanksgiving dinner. But they’re probably not. I really miss home. I’m very grateful that I still have my family. Even though I don’t see them much, but that’s what makes me appreciate the time I have with them even more. I miss my dad telling me to get him a fruit or something from the fridge and bring him a small knife and a plate to put the peelings in. After he peeled it, he would ask us if we wanted a slice. These little things really do get to me. I miss having my family around. So every time he comes home I would ask him if he wanted something from the fridge instead. Last night when my mom asked us to pray nightly prayer, it just made me miss the times that I prayed with my whole family at home on our big comfy couch. We would sometimes get sleepy on it during prayer time too. It really sucks during the holidays over here, right now. Nothing beats the Holidays in New Orleans. Nothing beats New Orleans period.



Anyways, I had another embarrassing moment last week. My car didn’t want to start. It was very aggravating because I didn’t know what to do and look like an idiot. But it was okay, I was only stuck out there for about 45 minutes or so until my brother in law came to help me out. Now I know how to jump start a car. Another one on my accomplishment list, next to changing flat tires. Also, during the week I lost a lot of money. I don’t know how but I’ll be more careful now. This was my first time losing so much money man! But it’s okay because my sister said something in Vietnamese that means, “you’d rather lose money than a person.” (cua thay di nguoi) Which means everything happens for a reason… when you lose an earthly possession; it was a trade from losing a member of your family. I guess everyone who lost their homes during Katrina, still have their family members right? As the week passed, I heard that the there’s people who wanted to make Versai into an Airport. It just made my week even worse. I think this is the lowest point of my life dude. But It’s okay…. I’m hanging in there. =) all smiles babes. Embarrassing moments can’t bring me down. I won’t let a few bad grapes spoil my wine. I have the people that loves me to pull me through this. Thank you Lord! Oh yeah.. been praying a lot more now too.. I been trying to do the whole rosary, but I always fall asleep during my last ten. Hopefully it don’t happen again, but I know Mary loves me



HmMmm… so I’m reading a very good book! It’s called “Memoirs of a Geisha.” This may sound familiar because it’s coming out into theaters in December. It’s like watching Phim Tau dude! Can’t put that book down. The main character has gray-blue eyes, just like me! Well, of course mines aren’t natural. But what a coincidence that her eyes are the same colors I liked for my eyes. This made me like it even more! This book kept me company on Thanksgiving Day. Thank God for good entertainment. This concludes my Thanksgiving entry. Dude, I’ve been writing such long entries, I hope I don’t bore you all.