i don't know where to start. So out of the blue one day, he called me. First time on my cell. i thought he just wanted to talk and catch up on somethings. I was wrong, it was more than that. he called to tell me to read an e-mail he sent. I was getting nervous, and had a feeling what it was about. it was something i knew i had to go through with sooner or later.
i know people would think of all the stories they read about how they should tell the person they love that they love them before it's too late. Well, this is not a fairy tale. He told me he had nothing to lose and wanted to know if i still had feelings for him. he still cared for me and he thinks about what it would be like if we were still together. He wrote alot of little memories here and there and how much i mean to him.
I'm grateful this happened, because it cleared some of my thoughts that i had trouble with these past few years. i wanted so bad to still have feelings for him, but i couldn't feel anything in my heart. I had to tell him the truth about my feelings. that was the only thing i could do. it was the right thing to do. he said something about being childish, i didn't understand what he meant. okay so he needed me to spare the details and tell him if i liked him or not. Maybe it was like a -take me now or lose me all the way- kinda deal. What did he wanted me to say?! It's kinda childish of him to say that. Because i want to settle the situation in the best way possible. we need to quit lying to each other to make each other feel better or whatever. Am i supposed to say that i too still liked him and i wanted to be with him?! And start our relationship off with a lie?! No, i wanted to be friends. I like to build relationships on friendship. and to make it worse, i feel like we're not even friends in the first place. I told him I'm sorry, and that i moved on. If only he told me sooner things will be different. I wanted to know what was going in his mind, why he wanted to tell me this now. and i told him about this page too, and it's not going to be a surprise if he reads this.
he asked me if i wanted to work things out. Where do we begin to work at? Should we start over?! we could... but our past will still haunt us. Can we pick up where we left off?! no because it would never be the same. So i just wanted to be friends and get to know each other again, cuz lord knows we're both different people now. And who knows, we can laugh about our stupid past and go on with our lives.
he asked me how do i know it's not going to work if i didn't try. he asked me this before a long time ago. did i tried?! at first i didn't but later on i think i did. well, if he do like me that much, he would do anything for me. but I was the one who actually got him out to places with me, while i really didn't want to because i wanted him to do that. frist one was to the mall. and we talked about orchids alot. i wonder how does he ask girls out?! I don't know he never tells me. besides the point, i tried and i waited for him. I made it possible this past year, it was like my last chance! i was single and i wanted to spend time with him. I came up to him during school just to talk. i made appointments to meet up with him for lunch. i wanted to have fun and enjoy each other's company and go from there. okay, so he wanted to be alone with me that day by the lake, i thought having someone close there would make him feel better. besides it was only his cousin and plus, she's a dear friend of mine. I had no idea what he was feeling but for me. it was like we were just friends and had alot in common and nothing much more. There's probably so much that was going on in his mind, and he didn't have the courage to tell me about his feelings. and i'm sorry he didn't.
i hardly understand him anymore. he doesn't open up to me. i still trust him til this day and tell him things about my life. I was being honest and told him everything that was going on. on the other hand, if i wanted to know something about him, i had to ask. Like what am i supposed to ask?! he says, what do you want to know?! I'm like... i don't know what i want to know. I was up for anything. I wanted him to open up to me. to trust me with anything he has to say. i wanted him to be honest even if he felt he couldn't because i couldn't handle the truth or whatever. Now i feel bad because he couldn't handle my truth.
back then, I told him about "this guy" that apparently became a good friend of mines today. He thought it was the reason why we broke up. oh yeah, that's why we did brake up! it's because of me, i told him the truth about talking to "this guy" and i like the way "this guy" talked to me. "this guy" was open to me and didn't feel any shame of the things he tells me. Til this day "this guy" and i are still good friends as we were back then. okay, so maybe "this guy" told me and everyone that he likes me, but we agreed to be friends. What the hell do people take me for, go from one guy to the next just like that?! besides, "this guy" can fall in love with a random girl walking down the street. Sounds bad but i still respect the dude and he's my friend for other good reasons. Okay, so maybe "this guy" made him feel that he can't be with me, but i think there's more to it than that. I mean how can you simply let the girl of your dreams slip away like that to "this guy".
I told him about Paul. that time by the lake he asked me if i liked Paul. i told him I don't know. Honestly, i really didn't know. i was speechless because i was trying to get over him. i also told him about not being ready for a boyfriend because if I did like Paul; it was for the wrong reasons. Paul reminded me of him, and it was wrong of me to do that to Paul. Paul is such a nice guy. so maybe this was a reason why he didn't want to tell me about his feelings yet because of Paul and me not wanting a boyfriend. But you gotta give me credit for being honest. i was confused and I was laying my heart out and needed someone, at least from a friend. that day i felt that he was there to listen to me like a friend would, i thought that was good enough from him. What more can i ask for? he's a good friend and we would always be friends and nothing more. who would of thought he still had feelings for me right then. If he could of take that chance to do something... it would be different.
So now, we're kinda arguing, and it's going to take sometime for him to call me up to finish this argument. Oh yeah, i want him to keep in touch with me because we're still friends. even though we maybe mad, but we need to work on being friends. he was a lil hesitant when i asked him if i can call him and vice versa, but it was for the sake of our friendship, it may seem bad right now, but i feel that if we get through this our friendship can only grow stronger and not worse as it may seem right now. so i'm waiting for him to call me. i know many times i say -not only to him but other to guys too- that i'm not ready for a boyfriend. But that's the truth. i'll never be ready to have a boyfriend. I'm not girlfriend material, but i won't let it stop me from trying. i'm still trying to find the guy to do that with. I'm kinda working on one right now.
There's someone new in my life. He's very charming. let's call him Charming. i told Him about Charming. Charming is the reason i'm still sane on this earth during this hard time after-Katrina. Charming is simply just there when i need to talk about anything. Charming is open to almost anything i have to say. Charming can talk a good deal too and he always make me laugh. I do like Charming very much and i have a feeling he likes me too. but we're not together though, As of right now, we keep in touch through phone calls. Anyways, this journal is not about Charming. i told Charm about HIM. Charm said that i should let Him down easy. but it was too late, because it already went badly. Anyways, Charm said that i shouldn't of told HIM to call me because that's leaving HIM mixed signals that there might still be an open window. Oops, I'm not really good with relationships as Charm is. Charm had Five Ex-es, Who could blame the guy, he's Charming. So i explained that i wanted to keep in touch with Him because i still consider HIM as my friend. Charming is understanding and told me the best thing to do is give HIM time. On the other hand, liem wishes me and Charming the best of luck and happiness with him. And it's not even like that. well sort of. i do want it to be happy with Charming but that's not the thing here. I asked him if he was waiting for me to move on so that he can also move on too. And being sweet as he is, he Was waiting for me to move on so that he can too. all i can say is, whoever ends up with Him is a very lucky person. i hope he knows he's a very great guy.
Who knows what's going on in his mind. He says he's been thinking about alot of things after this hurricane and i was one of them. There's so much going on in his mind that he's not telling me, and i don't understand what he's going through. He wanted to know how he feels in the end. What end?! i know there's so much he's not telling me. Maybe it's because of his male ego. Either way, i just want him to TRUST me and OPEN up to me. okay, so i may not be the perfect person to talk to, but i really care for him, and i know he cares about me too. We want good things for each other, even when it means: me being happy with some else and him being happy with someone else. See how good friends we are and not even know it!?! Someone asked me if He met someone new would i be jealous?! I wasn't jealous when he told me about Hong. I was Sad and i stayed calm. (post May 21, 2004) I didn't want to be jealous, because it's his happiness and being jealous won't make any difference about him liking her. It's been eight years since we've known each other and i can truly say we go way back. however, it's a shame i don't know anything about the guy i thought i loved. So if this is my chance to understand him, i'm so up for it. i hope Charming will be okay with this. because really, there's a risk of me falling for liem again. But really, I keep my heart in one place and I will not betray Charming because in reality I would only betray me and hurt myself. if i let my heart bounce from one place to another it'll be too painful to deal with compared to my heart being in one place, like it was for liem after so many years.
