So, Being true to myself. I must write all that I'm feeling. although it may not be clear but i need to help myself understand all that i'm going through right now. My feelings for liem is gone but like i still think about him alot. i don't know why. I'm worried and don't understand anything that's going on between us. i'm so lost and confused everytime something happens between me and liem. What am i supposed to do. I can't love him anymore. because simply, i feel he's not the one. Maybe because i think he's boring and not romantic as i want him to be to me. He's a lil strict and highly demanding, like things should go his way and nothing else. all the questions he asks is ef-ing me over. why doesn't he tell me straight up and get it done and over with. I want him to be brutally honest with me, even when he feels like he can't be. He's so hard to talk to now, we're so distant. so, I think his feelings for me are real, because he said something like -why would he want for me to be with someone else, when he wanted to be with me. *wish i could take back whatever i said to make him say that* But i feel like he's not telling me things i need to know. Jimmy told me that liem wrote a letter to Ngoc like he did to me, but she didn't respond to it yet. Whatever Jimmy told me about his letter to Ngoc, i don't want to beleive it because it may be different from mines. hang told me he was fine and that he was getting drunk! but that isn't important. is he screwing me over?! what did he want from me?! Really?! what was his intention in the first place? Ugh I can't believe what Jimmy told me is getting to me. He said that Liem is a late bloomer of his sexuality. yeah, he may be Gay. But i told Jimmy that liem's feelings for me a real. And somehow he convinced me that his feelings for a girl was real too, but really he learned later on that He's gay. Jimmy told me that one time during hgih school liem and him talked on the phone for a long time and liem wanted to stay up and talk longer. Jimmy said that straight guys don't do things like that to other guys. Oh god! am i going Nuts?! well, him and Jimmy don't talk much so i really don't want to rely on his opinion about liem. i trust myself about liem more than what other people may say about him.
i know many times i say -not only to liem but other to guys too- that i'm not ready for a boyfriend. But that's the truth. i'll never be ready to have a boyfriend. I'm not girlfriend material, but i won't let it stop me from trying. i'm still trying to find the guy to do that with. I'm kinda working on one right now. His name is Loi aka Charming. i want to tell him i like him but then i'm scared it'll ruin what we have right now. I don't know! relationships are so complicated. i know i should really tell him that i like him but what happens if he doesn't like me back. Fuck. then okay i can accept the dude is not interested, but from then on, things are not going to be the same anymore. and he said it himself just like i did, that we both are not ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend. His is time and money, and me just simply because i'm emotionally unstable and would rather focus on school. and he told me himself that when he once told the girl that he liked her, things went badly. and he wants to learn from that and want to keep things interesting without the verification that they liked each other, because maybe they simply do. i'm counting on that.
when i first met him, i didn't think about him much in this way. i just enjoyed the time we sat with each other and just talked. That i adored very much about him but didn't think of it much. we we're just very good friends. also, i was kinda talking to Paul during this time. I told Loi about Paul too! and you know what... he said something that kinda made me think twice about Paul. he said to really think things over and that when you like someone you'd do anything for them and this whole analogy thing about sparks/fireworks and he asked if paul told me that he like me. and i lied to him and said yes because i didn't want to feel bad that paul didn't. i was kinda geting a hint that Loi likes me but i couldn't beleive it and just let it go in one ear and out the other. Maybe because i felt that it was wrong of me to kick the thing i have betwee me and paul away. by the way, me and Paul agree to be friends shortly after we began to get closer. I never let Loi know about that because we're just friends right? later on, when Loi and i stopped talking, i realized how much i Liked him. Yes, i finally like him. Then i recall all the times when he called just to talk. He was the only guy that called me that much. He called me rigth after i got out of work. he called me three times in one week in a row. We talked into the wee hours. and i remember that he once stayed outside in the cold just to talk to me! he shared his xangas with me before he even post them. silly Loi, he writes out his post with pencil and paper before he put it on the computer. He talks about food alot. and he shared with me things about his ex girlfriends. How could i be so Blind?!
It was end of the school year at Mikimoto for his friend's birthday party that i spent some time with him and started growing feelings for him. I think it wasn't just a crush anymore now. Then there was one time at a BSC bbq back to school party that me and him really became closer. This was also the time when i ended my feelings for liem for good. but as the summer went by, i lost touch with him and thought that it was only a stupid crush and my feelings for him were just a fantasy i lied to myself that they were real. I mean, he's very hard to get and i'll never have a chance with him and really need get over myself and move on. So the first week of school I really need to be away from him because all the feelings i have for him are growing stronger and i couldn't handle it because i thought we could never hit it off. I really distant myself from him, and when i saw him sad because i was being cold to him and not myself towards him, i felt bad. i thought i just needed to be away from him to stop the stupid crush and i thought maybe later on when i feel much better we can just be friends again like we were. During that week i saw him at least once everyday and everyday he asks me if i wanted to go and eat lunch with him and stuff. i'm thinking this guy is so nice! Is he just asking me because that's what he would ask any girl?! Oh Yeah, i found out he became friends with Thao and he was having so much fun with his group of friends which included hotgirl Lisa. As for me, i was left out and I wanted to get over him because he's just a crush! I felt... Ugh! the feelings that are churning up inside are becoming out of control. Ahh!! why is he so Hot?! But either way, i was busy everytime he asked me to go, i needed to pick thao-vi up from school. I coudn't beleive i had feelings for such a guy like him. maybe i don't want to tell him that i like him because what he said was true, look what happened to me and paul.
Then the hurricane came and ruined our lives. Then It all went down from here. my life is changed forever. I thought me and Loi will never be. and to make matter worse, he was staying with his new friends and Thao was one of them. I envied her having the chance to spend more time with him and she may realize what a great guy he is and fall for him as i did. I couldn't take it anymore and called thao up. I wanted to know if anything is hapening. But to my surprise. I was all wrong. i asked her if she was talking to anyone, she said she is not. But in return, she asked me if there was something going on between me and loi. I have no idea why she knows about my feelings for him. Either she must be psychic or i think Loi told her. I don't talk to Thao very much about my life and she couldn't have ever known that me and Loi used to talk. I think Loi told her about me and him. And to have him mention me to antoher girl like Thao, means something right?! I think he likes me! So during the Huriicane. I called him up. i never told him about that conversation i had with Thao, but i did told him i talk to her. So that's when i was okay of liking him. The only bad thing is that we don't see each other. I dont' call him alot anymore, because he's having fun and i don't want him to be sad about me. He's a very optimistic person and really everytime i talk to him he makes me feel better. But then i think i'm getting annoying to him. So once in a while i call him up. And sometimes he calls me. I wish it was better than this, but due to the situation, I can't. But He's a very understanding person and he's very easy going, so somehow i find comfort that everything is okay when i'm with him. I want to thank God for letting me have such a great person to help me through this ordeal. i know Loi is there for me and i want to be there for him too. I pray for him, that's all i can do fro now. I want to give this relatinoship a try when i get back to N.O. well, if he wants to take that step with me. i want it to turnout well, it'll be very new to me and he can help me get through it, together.
