Once upon a December

My life is changing so much. it's to the point that my dreams of becoming a dentist will not come true anymore. i'm changing my major, or better yet, i'm not going to have a major. Somewhat like dropping out of college or something. Who would of thought, I would drop out of college. i really want to finish college with some kind of degree, but I don't know what. i really wanted to study to be a dentist. I'm so going through depression man. so far, this is the lowest point of my life. I'm taking a semester off from school. well, maybe.. i really want to keep my scholarship though, but i can't hold up to the grades or credits hours anymore. i have a rough time going to school. the little things adds up like parking, tuition bills, car rides, missing or being late for classes, and too stressed to pay attention in class. Maybe the new transition to the school was hard or all the sad news killed the spirit to study or maybe i'm just not smart enough. i think i messed up my life too much to fix it now. hopefully as the time pass, i will find strength to go back to school and finish it, even if it's not for a BS. i have no plans. my plan backfired and so did the rest of them i made just in case. What am i to do? i know friends tell me that i should cheer up and think of positive things. And i'm trying, but you can't be truly happy if it is forced. i'm going to take this time to think things over about my life. I feel so shitty right now. although my family may see that i'm fine, but really, i am not. they expected so much from me and now i can't deliver. that's why i'm so sad because i have to live with them. everyday they see me do nothing but waste my life away. And it's like I've grew apart from them, because we don't spend time with each other like we used to. it's like i lost my purpose to live. right now i'm just doing little errands and simply be there for my lil sisters when they need me. I'm not doing anything for myself, to better myself. i'm not even working. and i want to, but the time is difficult to manage since i'm needed randomly everyday. So work became out of the question. school came second for me and that's where i messed up ever since i started ULL. by the way, that school sucks. I work at my sister store though, but it's not really work. I'm just helping her out at the store. and she offers me pay, but who would take their sister's money like that?! And i really miss my friends. they're all so far away from me. i know some of them are going through something similar to me right now and can relate to me. But for some reason, i don't want their sympathy, because it seems like they're having fun with their life and won't understand. and i don't expect them to because I want them to enjoy their happiness and not to worry about mines. when i talk to them, i want to tell them the good things about my life, but there's not much to tell. and when i do talk abou my life, it's too depressing and i make them feel bad and they have no words ro reply with. they probably don't understand why i'm this way. i know i seem mad or pissed off at the world but i'm not, I'm just sad, and i just need everyone to be okay with me being sad, really... i'm okay with myself being sad. It's not pleasant, but i need this. don't be sad for me either, because it won't make it better. i kinda want to say "leave me alone" but honestly i so don't want to be alone. remind me of the happiness i once had. someday, i'll have it again.