"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are Young, but set an example for the Believers in Speech, in Life, in Love, in Faith, and in Purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)"
It's easy to go on a path when it is Wide, but to travel on a road that is Narrow, it's not easy. I really want to be a good daughter. It's as simple as that, but it takes alot of little steps/sacrifices. Many people may think that a 22 year old girl is old enough to go out at night and really shouldn't have a curfew. Maybe it's ridiculous to some people that my curfew is way earlier compared to a girl who's younger than me. Or even having a curfew altogether is absurd. But I can't compare myself to other girls, because I'm not like other girls. I don't have their parents. I want to be my parent's daughter as long as I can. It's not easy to raise me and I want to be understanding for my parents. One day I'll be one too. and I'm glad they're not giving up on me easily. But for a second, last night, they made me question that. I felt so sad. I know i'm still young and may not know or fully understand life as much as they have. But damn, They have to understand for me too. I'm not perfect, but that doesn't mean they can't help me no longer. I felt threatened of losing their respect, love, and guidance by the things I said last night.
I told them I'm not doing anything wrong and they should trust me, I never did anything horribly wrong before. And they should trust me more than that. I'm not scared of what they may think of me. A dumb, boy crazy, whore who goes out at night and do bad things. I know, in my heart, that I'm a good person and I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not afraid of what other people may think of me. When I'm with my boyfriend in the day or night time, I am being myself. I can go to sleep at night without a guilty conscience. I live for myself, and what I decide to do is my choice. But still, that doesn't give me the excuse to do whatever I want. Or that I still have a chance to do something wrong. I hurted my parents. They feel they no longer have to be my parents, because I can make my own decisions, but in reality I still need them. I need them to show me how to be good parents too. Maybe I'm not being what is expected of me. They have to understand it's not easy, and for them to leave me hanging for a second made me feel sad. but I shouldn't have put them in that position in the first place. It's not easy being a perfect daughter as it is for them to be perfect parents. We have to understand for each other. how can i tell my parents that? That's like teaching them how to be my parents. That's not what I want to do, I'm not courageous enough to tell my parents how to be my mom and dad. I feel that's disrespectful.
Although I had good points, but for me to even dare say those things, I really hurted them, even when the things I say may be true and upright, I really didn't want to hurt them. They felt they no longer can say anything to me anymore because I'm all grown up now. Maybe I can make my own decision in one certain aspect of my life, but there are other things I still need them for. Once you're someone's parent, you can never stop being their parent. I made my parents felt like their hands were tied. I made them feel there's nothing they can do to make me understand or listen to them. That I don't understand what they do is out of love and for the best for my future. I don't know what to say to my parents. They're being overly protective. But that's just natural for them. I'm sorry I made them feel like I don't need their love. That they have to threaten me of losing it to understand it.
How can I tell my boyfriend that I can't go out with him as much at night time anymore? That's just hurtful to say to someone you like and really care about. How can he respond to that when he's already trying his best. I want to be honest with him and true to myself. I want to be able to trust him. I really need him with me cause I can't do this alone. I want my parents to like him. Maybe we can take this as our little step together. Maybe we can show my mom and dad what a good boyfriend he is. We can still go out in the daytime when we do have time, which I know is very little. but we can cherish the little time we have to spend with each other even more. If he really wants to be with me, he wouldn't mind right? we can compromise. But if he can't, If this is not what he wants, then it is best we no longer continue our relationship. Heartbreaking, yes. But it'll be okay. It's what we decide to do that defines us and our relationship. We can learn something here. I'm still learning as I go. Learn with me.
I know we hardly go out alot. I know time is limited with our busy schedule. But I'm always obedient to my parents, and I'm not changing that. I do feel pressure to do so oherwise, by my own little sister and my cousins and even my boyfriend. Maybe I'm asking for too much from my boyfriend. But anything worth doing is not easy. I wouldn't be strong enough to this years ago, but Lord knows I'm strong enough now. I love my parents, who doesn't?! and my parents love me too. How can good parents not love their children. No one can stop that love. They just want the best for me and my future. I know it's not easy to be my boyfriend. It's not easy to find a good boyfriend either. It's not easy to be a good person in general. We choose what we want to do in life, and it is what we do in action that defines who we are, in our hearts, and in our minds.
