2:02 AM 2/14/2007
Today's valentine's day. i have a test tomorrow. =(. i'm going to fail it. And also, Biology to study for. I'm am so going to cram it. The O.C. is so good. But i have to really study and cut back on it. I have to much at stake. =(. I miss liem alot. That boy doesn't even care about me. I'm kinda mad at him, for not calling or emailing or anything. Is he even my boyfriend? =( I really want to have a boyfriend, not like him. He's beginning to be a bad one. I give him so many chances too. Am i doing something wrong? is he trying to tell me something? like he wants me to break up with him? the thought of it makes me hurt a little. The heviness in the chest. It's deep. I can't break up with him. It's too sad. I'll hurt alot. it's sad just to even think about this. On valentine's day too! does my boyfriend even like me anymore? why is he still with me? and treats me like i'm not his girlfriend. I don't care. he can do whatever he wants. I mean, I do care. but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want. where is this relatinship going? no where. it's not even growing. Not even there anymore. it's like we've already broken up. damn that feeling again. damn, i think we slowly are. and it hurts. i don't wanna cry. plus i have chemistry tomorrow. and biology to start cramming for. Why? i thought liem was the one. why am i always hurt even when i'm with him? this feeling is too much. it's sad, overwhelming, so powerful in its good and bad ways. so strong. so emotional. so miserable. but so desired. i felt this feeling before. when i was in lafayette and all i could think about was liem. the time i went to delgado and think about him everyday and he doesn't even know it. I think about him all the time. and i still do now. The thing is HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. I keep hiding my feelings for him from him. I've been holding back. he hasn't even kiss me or anythign yet. there must be a reason why he hasn't tried. he doesn't liek me. =( that tinge of feeling came back a little again. It's slowly stabbing my heart everytime i realize something about liem and me. we're just not meant to be together. there it goes again. that feeling. I'm so sad. the last time was the day before my birthday. i wanted to break up with him that day. even when if its on my birthday. i didn't care because i needed the truth. he didn't say much. he told me not to spend alot of money. but that's not the point. it's because i want to. And if i don't have money i add a little extra love or creativeness or somethign special to make up fo rit. he doesn't think that way. I kinda asked him if he was busy this weekend. he didn't say. so i guess that means he doesn't have time ot go otu with me. or else he would have suggested to do something or have an idea what we could do. but nothing. he doesn't want to celebrate valentine's. maybe he's being a guy and says that hallmark made up this holiday because of money. why are guys like that? that's why they're losers no matter what. i guess the girls are too for making valentine's overrated. i guess love is too? that can't be true, i hope not. if it is, it's going to be sad, just like this feeling no love in the world. and the hope that it's there. but not, but really is. It's all so frustrating. maybe liem doesn't know. am i lying to myself to defend him? maybe he really does know, but have no reason to act upon it because he really doesn't love me in that kind of way everyone desires. maybe i'm just not the one. maybe. this feeling again. it hurts. i'm going to sleep goodnight.2:28 AM 2/14/2007
