Love and Consequences

So I'm doing something that is not usually me. But it's okay. I think.
this whole image of me that I put on myself all these years...
The way we encounter love in its purest form.
I'm not perfect or whole or innocent as I was the first time I experienced Love.
I've been there done that. I'm over it I guess.
I guess we're all damaged one way or another.
The things I thought that mattered, doesn't seem too significant anymore.
I guess my image of Love is tainted, and from now on, will always be.
I always tried to avoid the player type kind of guys.
but I'm such a hypocrite because I'm the girl version of those people.
I never thought I would do that to guys, nice guys too.
I didn't realize I was two timing... briefly.
I don't want to do that again, I feel slutty.
Right when I cleared things with Ton, I had to let go of another guy.
Tien and Thao-vi said me and Ton doesn't look like a good match.
And I told them about the crushing hand holding.
It's complicated when I still like them but know that it won't work.
I don't see potential with Ton; and I don't see a future with Cuong.
Cuong actually helped me get through the situation with Ton.
He told me to stop leading Ton on.
and teased me when Ton was holding my hand too tight because he didn't wanna lose me.
He was so easy to talk to and I opened up to him.
Which is something that's hard to come by for me.
I couldn't beleive how easily we connected.
But he's married. I can't have a relationship with someone who's married.
He has a kid, I'm not ready for that.
So I had to let him go too, stop leading him on.
No matter how much I easily fell for him, I had to do the right thing.
I really like him.
He's a guy I know I can love.
I guess that's all it takes for me when I meet a guy.
If his personality is easy going, his voice isn't annoying, and he smiles...
He's cute but not too good looking and doesn't bullshit talk.. we can do.
I finally found someone I could look at and not get tired of.
I knew it because the way I looked at him was the same way I looked at Liem.
Staring at him like a crazy person. Not letting my eyes off him.
I guess I'm letting go another chance at happiness.
Sigh* if only I met him before his wife did.
I liked the craziness between us. It's a spark, a connection.
I like his forwardness when he asked me if I like him.
All because of the way I was looking at him.
Or when he tried to hold my hand... and asked me how it felt.
And his hands were kind hands... and it fit nicely too.
I guess I'm pretty easy to read when I'm into someone.
I kind of miss him texting me.
But also relieved he stopped calling and texting me too.
He really does respect me, like he said he would.
I'm too immature for him anyways and he's been through alot.
He's 30 and need someone on the same level as him.
Not a silly naive little girl like me.
I kind of regret not giving him a chance...
But there's so many things I can't deal with.
His smoking is #1, his drug dealing past, and his wife~!
He says he doesn't do drugs or deal anymore ever since his son.
He says he didn't get a divorce yet because he can't afford it and loves his son.
He says his wife isn't with him for the past two years...
and that she's having another relationship with another guy.
There's so much going on his life already, He can't fit me in there.
I didn't see my future with him. My parents would disagree.
The have higher hopes for me and my friends won't allow a controlling and possibly abusive relationship.
He had alot of history....
But anyways, it's time to move on again.
This should be easier than Liem.
I feel the same way Tien does about Hung.
I'm glad I could finally talk to someone about my break up with Liem.
If I do see Liem again, I would fall in love with him again easily.
I miss him. I cry thinking about us. And I hate it.
But we will never be. I know that he will never love me again.
And one day he will meet that girl who he will love much more than he does me.
And I can be happy for him that he finds that person.
and I know we can never be friends because there's so much feelings between us.
There's not a day that passes by without me thinking about him at least once.
Every fucking day, I think about him at least once... sometimes all day.
I know it's been over a year that we've broken up.
And I do a very good job at hiding my thoughts of him.
even under all these journals in my blogspot.
I write it, so that maybe he can see it.
I still love him. I hate that I still do because we can never be together again.
It just can't... and I know it will not happen ever again.
He;s always in my mind and deep inside my heart and I love him no matter what.
It's sickening and I hate myself.
I want to get over him! but I can't stop thinking about him.
He doesn't love me. and I know that!
I make myself think that he still loves me in my heart, mind, dreams, and fantasies.
But in reality, He doesn't.
But you gotta just live with it. I guess we all do.
It's better this way. and yes you can love someone and not be with them.

Been Busy

so much has happened. I can't write down everything that happened.
but here's the gist of it.
Ton and I are friends.
LOL!! it was funny.
I'm glad we can still be friends after all that.
We've been friends and always will be.
We tried otherwise and it didn't work.
I'm so glad he felt the same way.
And I knew he did too! LOL!
Met someone new. I can't beleive how quickly it happened.
He's got alot of history.
I'm scared but also excited, it may be a downfall.
His name is Cuong Le and he's crazy.
I think I'm even crazier.
I want to get out, but somehow, he pulls me back in.
He's got that manliness that I'm attracted to
But I know it's no good for me
He's controlling and gets mad easily.
I have to comfort him alot.
I'm defensive alot and he hates that.
I can't trust people..... or become vulnerable.
But he's pushing all my right buttons. I'm scared.
I must say... He's my counter ego.
We're just friends though. Too soon for anything.
He said he'd give it a shot if I want to too.
But I tried backing away, but it didn't work.
This is the trouble I get into, for being Lonely for too long.
I want love... not just anyone at the moment to fill the void.
I kind of wish I never met him.
I love Tien more and more each day!
Not in a lesbian way.
She let me play with her dogs!
I'm getting to know her more each day.
We're similar, but different. It's good.
She introduced me to a new place.
The view was magnificent!
All I can think about was Liem.
I know deep down inside, I love him.
I finally spilled my beans to Thu today at lunch.
I told Thu my secrets of my love life.
And didn't judge me....
She still loves me!
Vinh is getting closer.
He's getting to know me more now than the past two years.
Mostly because I'm quickly becoming best friends with Tien.
But he's a good friend too.
Crawfish boil tomorrow.

Incompatible

I brought on myself some complication.
I tried, and it doesn't feel right.
I knew it.
So how do I tell him?
I must do it soon.
Stop leading him on.
And I think he knows it too.
We're incompatible.
When we held hands, it was kinds sqooshing mines.
I felt pressure points between my fingers from his knuckles.
And that was one sign, it doesn't feel right.
Another one, his arms are too short.
When he tried to lay his hand on my lap, it didn't reach comfortably.
And for me, the little things means alot to me.
Well, he's short altogether.
I can't wear heels if I stand next to him, and I love wearing tall shoes.
Another one, and he's said it himself: he has a short one too.
But there are good things about him too.
Things he does and put effort into.
He's more out going than my former boyfriend.
He texts me to check up on me and see what I'm doing.
He offers to drive. And when we switch places,
he closes the door for me when I get in.
He take alot of initiatives. Making the first move.
Like holding me first when I told him I'm an easily cold person.
Trying to kiss me first and I pulled away.
After I let him kiss me, he wanted to cuddle and watch TV.
Then did his move with my ear. And I cannot believe how good that felt.
But that's just pure lust. which is not good.
He speaks his mind outloud. Even if it's obnoxious.
I know he thinks about sex alot.
Which scares me because he might just want sex.
He would go through lengths for his friends.
He treats his friends very well.
So I know he will treat me well too.
He's mature in some ways, but still childish in many ways.
He should be more serious about school and getting done.
But he makes excuses and sometimes really lazy.
I can't deal with laziness.
He's in no condition to date right now.
and I think he knows it too.
He didn't text me so far... so I guess he doesn't want to go any further either.

Snogged

I kissed Ton and we made out. And it was very good. The best for me actually. It's a little too good to be true. But he's definitely a good kisser. Which is bad because it's very tempting. But I can still control myself. Maybe because I'm not in love with him so it's easier to control. But for him on the other hand, it's totally opposite. Guys are animals. *sigh* he's done it twice already. And I feel like I'm just another girl to him. But he surely do know how to make a girl feel good. But he's so nasty it's a little disturbing. Am I crazy?! Maybe. Can I sit here and over think a few things? I guess that's what this blog is for right. I can't believe I kissed him. I guess I really miss being with a guy. I love kissing and cuddling. At some moments, I think it feel just right when we're wrapped in each other's arms. But sometimes I feel it's too forced. And I think we're so incompatible in so many ways; I don't think it'll work. But I have to try. I guess I'm doing that. I want to see how it is to really try. You never know I might just love him to death. We've been friends for so long and he says stuff that's on his mind. Even things that's a turnoff like his obscene sex advances but he's being himself. It's nothing new to me. At least he lets me know what's he's thinking of. Which kind of pressures me into it. He might not know it, but when he says those things and I'm thinking of it too. Ahhh!! It's just so easy to fall into my sexually urges. It's bad I know. I feel embarassed and scared and nervous about it. I'm totally not ready, and I made that clear and he understands. I feel so bad cause I left him hanging there hard and all. I don't think we'll be making out for a while to avoid that situation. Sigh, it'll be really sad when I tell him that. But I like him holding me to sleep and cuddling with me. I think he likes it too. Sigh* that's enough for now, how much more can I write about making out right? It was fun. I want to do it again.... but I'm scared it might lead to other things. And I don't want to have sex before marriage. Oh, and I texted Tien about it.

Places

I didn't want to lie to Tien about trying that Siamese Thai restuarant by TJmaxx. It was a coincidence that we both shared that places with our former boyfriends. How is she cool about going back there and I'm not? One day I will go back to all the places I've been trying to avoid. I will dedicate a whole day going to those places and just spend time thinking about it. Just because... I don't know. Sigh, I'm pathetic. I guess I'm not really over him. Tien is over Hung, why am I still hung up on Liem? I should be able to go to the places where we used to eat and be fine right? I don't know. I don't want to feel sad because I know memories will come up if or when I do go back to those places. I just think about how things would be if we were still together and it hurts. I hate to tear up and have that heavy feeling inside my heart bearing down with so much pressure. I feel my mistakes are living in the present moment all over again. I hate that feeling of sadness. It's overwhelming and pretty much pathetic!! I haven't been back to Puccino's on Severn ever since that night or Kanno's or Bonnabel Boat Launch or Lakefront and many other places. I try to avoid going to our places and think of new places to go instead. Like Equator instead of Siamese, Puccino's on Veterans instead of Severn, Borders on St. Charles instead of Causeway. Of course there are places I still go to like Barnes & Nobles and Little Tokyo just because I love those places. But if I can avoid a place we shared, I would. Sigh, there's so many places too. On my birthday, Ton suggested to go to the Lakefront to hangout, but I quickly suggested to stay by the Riverwalk instead. I can't bear to imagine to be alone with another guy at the Lakefront. I don't want to ruin my memories there with Liem. So we just drove around downtown that night and stayed near the Riverwalk. I want to keep that place and its memories to just one person. But I didn't tell Ton that. I'm up for new memories at new places and new experiences, but I want to protect and cherish my past ones with my first love. It'll be with me forever and I want to keep them special because they were.

Long Day Yesterday

I woke up around 9:00am yesterday and played with my little niece for a bit and then I got ready to start my day. I went to Borders on St. Charles and didn't study but read a funny book written by Steve Harvey about how guys think on love and relationships and it was pretty interesting and than I went to eat lunch with Thu and talked about doing sports activity together and I told her about how Gma was doing. We had a nice lunch. I enjoy her company and hopefully she finds something that interest her so she can set forth on doing it. After lunch, I worked at the clinic for 4 hours and grab free condoms on my way out. LOL! Black ones this time. Went to Barnes and studied for a while until Tien called and made dinner plans at Little Tokyo. I showed her the condoms LOL! We had a nice dinner and talked about Borey and I talk about my Gma and Ton. She also told me about where she used to work and about her Job fair day. And we also talked about how she got a free pregnancy test from her lab and if I ever needed.. LOL! I told her I would tell her if I ever have sex, she'd be the first to know. LOL! I like talking to Tien. She's cool.So we ate there and after that went back to Barnes and studied some more and talk and Vinh came and chatted with us for a little while and I finaly went home around 10:30. Tien wenthome and played Wii with her sister Vi and Vi's boyfriend Emerson. I did alot of things and didn't get come home until around 11:00pm. I showered and texted my friends thanked them for a great evening and went online.
I wanted to write last night, but I fell asleep on myspace while listening to someone's playlist. Thank god for it. I fell asleep and didn't know until near morning. I had a long day yesterday. It was busy but very enjoyable. Oh, And I started my period for this month. I'm starting to keep track of it beginning this month. Let's see how it would go. I'm planning to go to the gym a little bit later at noon and go study again at Starbucks today. I don't want to go to Barnes because they have no parking on weekends.

Starbucks

I'm at Starbucks right now, although I can't use the internet to log onto Blogger, I can't keep from writing. Yes, I'm distracting myself with time wasting writing. But I need a break. I just made a graph of components about Metabolic Syndrome (MetS) and drawing out the aspect of the direction my paper is going to be about within MetS. Quite creative I must say. Anyways, I'm looking at the most interesting thing across my table. A father and son enjoying cupcakes and coffee. I'm not sure what's in the little boy's cup, maybe hot chocolate. But seeing these two people and their connection is the sweetest thing. The father is well in his 40's I believe. Dressed business-like with a tie, tuck-in button-down white shirt, and penny-loafers. The boy is in Elementary school, I can tell by his uniform and ninja turtle back pack. Now, the boy has his composition notebook out and the father is asking questions and looking at his notebook. It's such a delight to see his attention to his kid. But why out here, in the public eyes? Isn't this a place not quite for kids to do homework because of loud noise and other distractions? Well, as for me, I have headphones on and currently listening to David's Choi rendention of 'How Deep is your Love'. I'm doing that for me so I'll be less distracted from the noise, but I'm distracted anyways. I'm bored from writing my senior thesis, and instead writing about non-sense. At least I'm making it sound like I'm busy at work with my typing behind my laptop to the guy across from me studying. I wish I was a real writer. But my grammar is bad. One good factor, the thought process is there. If I write more, with construction from a second view, possible deconstruction I must admit, I might turn into a real writer. I need to read newspapers more often. Maybe get ideas and actually talk to a writer and have their opinion about my writing. For now, my observation and writing skills just have to suffice. But isn't this how journalists start? I don't know after I start working, this would be one of my hobbies. I found one! I'm adding it to my list of To Do's. Start a career in Journalism. LOL. I do enjoy writing. Been doing it for a long time now. Just about random stuff maybe. Can I get column in a newspaper from random writing? I guess not. That's why there are blogs. Hey, it can happen right? I can dream. F5 for date and time [5:04 PM 3/4/2009]

Shivering

It's so cold in my room tonight.
I'm under two blankets!
wish this bed was smaller
so I'd feel less alone.
Clinics was okay today.
ran my first EKG and Stress Test
I'll do a whole echo study another day
When there's more time.
was allowed to go home a little early
but I'll have to stay after four tomorrow.
It'll be a busy day.
or so Mike says... I'll be doing more EKG's
today was just a practice for me.
I went home and took a little nap.
wrote up some checks and mailed off the bills
dropped the mail at the hospital before going upstairs
so Gma thinks she dying.
she told us she saw a ghost.
so I visited her again today.
I packed rice with dry pork strands
the vietnamese kind like salted pork jerky
and I squeezed the rice into little rolls for her
Hong cut her toe nails
mom and dad got her holy stuff placed around her room
she seems okay, I hope she is
dropped Vuong's insurance card and rent receipt at his house
He's going to pick up rent money from the tenant
saw his girlfriend and said a quick hello
went home and I watched House
I'm on season two disc three
Anna finished it before I did.
she can't wait til I get season three from Ton
haven't talked to him since I told him about
not going to Date Auction or the party Saturday
I told him about gma and how busy I am lately...
I guess I'll text him after everything is settled down
I miss him

Tucking Into Bed

Just showered
presently curled into my bed
Ready to go to sleep.
A little bit more relaxed
compared to the rest of the week
Grandma is feeling better
but still in the hospital
Her leg pain isn't going away
So until she can walk without pain...
I really don't know when she can go home
Been so long since I blogged
Where to begin?
Didn't go to any parades
really stressed from my crazy grandmother.
she makes me crazy~!
and my parents too
but I have to do what I can
missed alot of gym time and ate bad foods.
Although I did fast for lent.
But with the high level of stress,
I ate sweets and passed the time limit
far more than I should've
Hopefully I can make it up this week
I ate lunch with Thu Friday!
And talked to her about Gma.
I loved the building where she works at.
It has nice views out the windows
And I love just walking through the building.
I wish I can do that more often,
But I was walking alone.
So I hurriedly met up with Thu.
I was at Borders that morning and just randomly texted her
She asked me to join her for lunch!
Before I headed to St. Thomas Clinic on Magazine that day
But it's back to Canal St. Tomorrow
I saw something really interesting at the Clinic!
A big bowl full of condoms by the door!!
It was half full of Lifestyles black condoms the first day I was there.
by the end of the day is was nearly empty when I walked out.
and the next day... it was filled up to full again.
This time it's in a green packs and came in a bunch of colors!
I wonder how low it would go by the time I get back.
I was tempted to grab some of the colorful ones...
just because they were free and pretty.
But then, why would I use it?
Collect them maybe?! LOL.
Anyways, Sister came down Saturday
And joined us at Little Tokyo for dinner.
She visited grandma before going home today.
I brought food up around 6pm
she ate all the Pho I packed for her
After that, I went to Barnes but it was so packed.
read a magazine and walked out.
I felt a craving for sweets and coffee.
I immediately thought of Cafe du Monde.
It's been a while and it'll be perfect!
I bought home some, but was stuck in traffic!
But it was scrumptious because outside is very cold.
I love the perfect meal to a match the weather perfectly.