So I'm doing something that is not usually me. But it's okay. I think.
this whole image of me that I put on myself all these years...
The way we encounter love in its purest form.
I'm not perfect or whole or innocent as I was the first time I experienced Love.
I've been there done that. I'm over it I guess.
I guess we're all damaged one way or another.
The things I thought that mattered, doesn't seem too significant anymore.
I guess my image of Love is tainted, and from now on, will always be.
I always tried to avoid the player type kind of guys.
but I'm such a hypocrite because I'm the girl version of those people.
I never thought I would do that to guys, nice guys too.
I didn't realize I was two timing... briefly.
I don't want to do that again, I feel slutty.
Right when I cleared things with Ton, I had to let go of another guy.
Tien and Thao-vi said me and Ton doesn't look like a good match.
And I told them about the crushing hand holding.
It's complicated when I still like them but know that it won't work.
I don't see potential with Ton; and I don't see a future with Cuong.
Cuong actually helped me get through the situation with Ton.
He told me to stop leading Ton on.
and teased me when Ton was holding my hand too tight because he didn't wanna lose me.
He was so easy to talk to and I opened up to him.
Which is something that's hard to come by for me.
I couldn't beleive how easily we connected.
But he's married. I can't have a relationship with someone who's married.
He has a kid, I'm not ready for that.
So I had to let him go too, stop leading him on.
No matter how much I easily fell for him, I had to do the right thing.
I really like him.
He's a guy I know I can love.
I guess that's all it takes for me when I meet a guy.
If his personality is easy going, his voice isn't annoying, and he smiles...
He's cute but not too good looking and doesn't bullshit talk.. we can do.
I finally found someone I could look at and not get tired of.
I knew it because the way I looked at him was the same way I looked at Liem.
Staring at him like a crazy person. Not letting my eyes off him.
I guess I'm letting go another chance at happiness.
Sigh* if only I met him before his wife did.
I liked the craziness between us. It's a spark, a connection.
I like his forwardness when he asked me if I like him.
All because of the way I was looking at him.
Or when he tried to hold my hand... and asked me how it felt.
And his hands were kind hands... and it fit nicely too.
I guess I'm pretty easy to read when I'm into someone.
I kind of miss him texting me.
But also relieved he stopped calling and texting me too.
He really does respect me, like he said he would.
I'm too immature for him anyways and he's been through alot.
He's 30 and need someone on the same level as him.
Not a silly naive little girl like me.
I kind of regret not giving him a chance...
But there's so many things I can't deal with.
His smoking is #1, his drug dealing past, and his wife~!
He says he doesn't do drugs or deal anymore ever since his son.
He says he didn't get a divorce yet because he can't afford it and loves his son.
He says his wife isn't with him for the past two years...
and that she's having another relationship with another guy.
There's so much going on his life already, He can't fit me in there.
I didn't see my future with him. My parents would disagree.
The have higher hopes for me and my friends won't allow a controlling and possibly abusive relationship.
He had alot of history....
But anyways, it's time to move on again.
This should be easier than Liem.
I feel the same way Tien does about Hung.
I'm glad I could finally talk to someone about my break up with Liem.
If I do see Liem again, I would fall in love with him again easily.
I miss him. I cry thinking about us. And I hate it.
But we will never be. I know that he will never love me again.
And one day he will meet that girl who he will love much more than he does me.
And I can be happy for him that he finds that person.
and I know we can never be friends because there's so much feelings between us.
There's not a day that passes by without me thinking about him at least once.
Every fucking day, I think about him at least once... sometimes all day.
I know it's been over a year that we've broken up.
And I do a very good job at hiding my thoughts of him.
even under all these journals in my blogspot.
I write it, so that maybe he can see it.
I still love him. I hate that I still do because we can never be together again.
It just can't... and I know it will not happen ever again.
He;s always in my mind and deep inside my heart and I love him no matter what.
It's sickening and I hate myself.
I want to get over him! but I can't stop thinking about him.
He doesn't love me. and I know that!
I make myself think that he still loves me in my heart, mind, dreams, and fantasies.
But in reality, He doesn't.
But you gotta just live with it. I guess we all do.
It's better this way. and yes you can love someone and not be with them.
