my heart

I love my mom and dad. They've given me so much. more than anyone has ever given me. Why am I crying over a stupid guy like liem who's given me shit. He treat me bad. I should be crying over every day that my mom and dad has left in this world with me. They're getting old, and I owe it to them to make them happy. I'm going to finish school and make something out of myself. They've given me everything. My new 2007 white Camry, a king sized temper pedic bed, my car insurance, my blackberry, my teeth, my education, they raised me to be a good person, they given me my life. I have so much to be happy for.Thanks you Jesus. For everything. I'm okay... I love you, I love my mom and dad, I love my family, and I love myself. *deep breath* I'm okay. It's okay.

I decided, this christmas, I will make a gift of myself to jesus. i love him and he's always been there for me, when I needed him the most, in my weakest moments, no matter how bad I make mistakes, He still loves me and Forgives me. I'm taking this time to replinish my soul, and no matter how many bad things I've done, I still can turn back around and forgive myself and love myself, because jesus loves me. Jesus Loves Me!!!! He's blessed me with so many things. And I'm so grateful! I love you Jesus!!! I Love you. I'm sorry i turned away from you, I'm sorry I blocked you out of my life. I'm sorry, I'm a sinner. Please help me. to face the devil and evil spirits of the world. Please help me overcome human weaknesses. Please help turn back around and love you the right way. help me to love myself the right way.

Heartbroken

Somedays you're strong, but there are days when you hurt like hell and want to die. Best thing to that feeling is crying so much I can drown in my tears. I think I love to feel heartbroken. It makes me feel better for breaking up with my boyfriend. And I need this pain to punish myself for what I did. I am to blame for all my shortcomings. People make mistakes, and people learn from them. I'm one of those who learn things the hard way. And I must deal with the consequences. I hate myself so much right now. I'm so hurt. I told myself I won't let him hurt me anymore. But it's hurting me so badly. Oh, my heartaches so much. Like this heavy heart that wants to shed its own tears. When I think about him and how sad he must be, that even hurts more. I love him so much. how can I go on like this. How will he go on. I need him so much. I need him to hold on to me tight as possible and tell me he loves me. I knwo I can only block this sadness feeling for so long. I know this will come and haunt me one day or later. So I'm going to cry so bad that I will have the puffiest eyes ever. and Who cares. I can use stressing out for finals as a good excuse. I'm so sad. It's unbearable. It harder to breath when this pain lingers on for a long time in your throat. Shit Fuck Fuck FUck... it hurts. my nose is so stuffy I can sneeze up a storm. I have snot everywhere on my pillows. how am I even typing this?? I don't know. I'm so sad it's crazy. If he's not thinking about me, it's sad, if he is thinking about me, it's also sad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like dying. I want to die right now. I'm so depressed. I know I sound crazy right now, but i need to let it all out as much as possible. Fuck!!! I hate this feeling. I knew it. I knew it. I shouldn't have never started this relationship again. It hurts so damn much when we break up. Fuck! Liem, I love you so much. It hurts like hell. Someone just kill me already. Maybe if i stop breathing through my mouth cause my nose is so stuffed up and can stop breathing. That won't happen, my brain will just tell me to breath again.
Okay, I'm Okay. *sigh* I'm so sorry for everything. Can't we just kiss and make up? It'll make all things better. I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do either. I'm so heartbroken. I don't trust mysef anymore. everything I do is wrong. It's one mistake to the next and to the next. How can I do this again?! This is going to take me years. Possibly never.

Plans

It's amazing how much I've grown and learned in such a short period of time. And I'm still learning more! This is what I wrote ten days ago. Who would've thought I'd be here making adult decisions. Decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I'm doing pretty well. I think. Just broke up with my boyfriend whom I still love. I probaly should be the saddest girl. But i'm okay. I'm not at my greatest, but I'm doing better than I thougth I would. He does consume my thoughts alot, but eventually he will fade away, in time. I need time for myself. Yeah, that's what I will do. At least my heart doesn't ache anymore. I got my heart back. He doesn't hurt it anymore. I won't let him. It's just my mind... and its memories. And the "could have beens" this christmas will past too. As long as I get through this christmas... no more wondering about the what ifs. because it didn't and won't. I still have some hope... but it'll die out soon. I'm going to stop believing in us. Stop loving him. And stop thinking about him. Oh yeah, the New York trip got cancelled. maybe another time.

November 28, 2007 (myspace)
I think I'm going to stay single for a while. When i graduate. i think i want to move away from my family and try to live on my own. I think I want to go to houston. I heard from lsu alumi's that they make good money over there working as an RT. And i can get an apartment, maybe live with some girl friends i have over there like Julie or Trang. they're great and i lived with them before. I can help support them if they need to finish school or do whateveer they need. I have family over there too. my cousin huggies lives with her older brother while going to school for dental hygiene. but i migth not want to live with them though. i want to be on my own. this is just a thought for the next two years or so. gives me a new outlook on life. see what i want to do for the rest of my life. I think it'll give me a chance to get away from my family here in NO. I've been letting them influence my way of thinking. I just need to get away from them, after i graduate of course. They probably will not understand and be mad. but I think i'll be old enough to do my own thing and make my own choices. since i'll be single, no one is going to influence me but myself. any decision i make will totally on my own. no regrets. just moving along. i need to get away from new orleans too... see the world a little bit more. been thinking about going on that new york trip with linda and thao-vi fro the holidays. I think i might go. I'm going back to work right after finals and taking more hours to help Sarah out at smoothie king. and the money would be spent on the trip. i just went to the dentist tuesday and she fixed my teeth. =) it's very pretty! so since i'm not with liem anymore. I gotta think differently, for my own now. not for us anymore. I know we had plans together.. but it's not going to happen. we had our differences and couldn't make things work out. Things change and it will keep changing. It'll take time for me to get over him again. but eventually i will.

Just Thinking

I can imagine me and my ex being just friends. Although he may feel uncomforatble by it because he loves me so much, and can't bare to be with me, and yet not be with me. I just want to be with him, in a relationship with him or not. Just to ask him how he's doing what he's been up to. Just enjoy each other's company. I mean the love that we shared can't become obsolete that quickly. We owe it to each other to be at least be friends. I know we do care for each other. I mean, I'd want that. So we can't work out the relationship, but we can still have fun just being friends. We'd still have our moments too. Maybe, in the relationship, we were too serious too fast. We wanted to go slow, but heck, we really liked each other too much. Sometimes, I felt very tempted to rush into things. I guess that hurted me and him too. All this over analyzing and serious talk got us over our heads. we forgot to chill out and just enjoy being together. But we can't be naive and ignore the doubts and uneasiness that is under our skin. We know we're two different people. I'm proud that we even came together and tried to work things out. It was great while it lasted. We had things in common too. We had our moments and happy times. Those are the memories that is killing me now. Looking towards my future kills me too . So many more chances to make more memories, but now we can't. I can't help that he's all I still think about. I knew that I would terribly miss him. I know it'll be hard to be without him. I don't have much to look forward to, especially this time of year. It's so sad. alone fro christmas, when just a few weeks ago I had so much planned. Now all my christams plans is ruined. I'm doing it with someone else. Someone I don't know or trust or feel anything for. Why?! why didn't he even stop me! It's not right, he's not going to put up a fight for me, not now, not ever. He knows I don't like this guy. maybe I shouldn't have tested him then either. I have to deal with the consequences now. It's okay, I'm going to be strong and go through with it anyway. I think this would be a good time for me to chill out before school starts again. I won't have a long break again until next christmas. *sigh* This has been another saddest and depressing moment of my life. This will probably last for a very long time. but I will still live on. So, don't worry too much, I'm still alive, I'll do fine. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Some people, after a break up, just somehow do become stronger. It's inside you, a force that you need to make yourself feel better. Since your ex has brought you down so much, you got to pull yourself up. maybe there is a little competitiveness to it also. Some may think it's silly that we're trying to out do our ex, but maybe you need that driving force to live on without your ex. I want to prove to myself that the choice I made is right. I do deserve better. I don't need a boyfriend who makes me feel bad about myself. He made me feel as if I'm not good enough or too good for him and that it's bad. I don't understand and know him well enough. well, he doesn't know me that well either. I'm a woman, I'd fight for what I want. Yeah, I tested him, but that's life. I have to know what I'm getting myself into. I do trust liem, but I trust me more. You can't blame me for doing what I did. I had to do what I had to do. I know now that he can let go of me. he'll just give up on me when it's hard. he said our relationship is to impaired to fix anymore. That we've tried already and that it won't work out. I felt so sad, I'm not good enough for him to do that for. I'm not the one for him. No matter how much he think he loves he doesn't. I can't be mad at him for that, he never did say he love me. And I'm grateful he never use those words loosely. But actions are stronger than words. he never got me roses. and that's the easiest thing you can do to make a girl happy and forget about everything else. That's like the most obvious thing you can do. Shwo her that you care enough to go get roses and look like a fool, a sweet fool for her. I know that if Liem doesn't want good things for me now, he won't think I deserve those good things later in life. He will deprive me of it. His pride and ego are much more important. He won't let it down to show his woman that he cares. He's too higly of himself to give a damn about me. He doesn't want nice things for me. and youknwo what else, he doesn't let me buy those things for him also. I got him a decent gift last year. It's not expensive but I put alot of effort to run around and find the best deal. and I was so mad he didn't want it, and I had to try so hard until he finally took it. He did the same shit this year with the aphelion tickets. Sigh* you can't change a man for nothing. it's his ego. And I'm being the bad person for bringing him down for being that. Man... I don't know what to do, I just want him to have good things too. I love him. So I stop expecting alot. I down played a few things. Try to think like he does to understand him. I try to do things differently and want less but I can't help it. I am who I am. But if he changes me into something I'm not, in the end I'm the person who's going to unhappy. I know he loves me and tells me all the time how special I am to him. How happy I make him. And I'm happy that I do. But what about me. I want so much, but he pulls away, he's have pretty good explanations or excuses that I can't complain about. And I didn't say anything. But sorry, I'm complaining now, I'm a woman. I can't forget that. I was losing myself in this relationship, maybe I was too into it. Too serious and wanted so much for it too work. I beleived in my heart it was the right thing to do. But Love is blind. You do crazy things. Like keep silent when you should've spoken up. I won't stay silent to make him feel better anymore. I need to speak up for myself and fight for what I want. I want a man. and If he's not man enough for me, than so be it. I gave Liem enough chances to be that man. If i were to stay silent now, I would've been a silent wife if we lasted that long. A sadly silent wife who thinks she's happy because her love was more important than herself. No, I am important! and if a man doesn't understand that, he's not a worthy man of this woman.

Second Love

With the same person as my first. There's only one great love in one's person's life. I think I'm done with it. I'm moving on. He doesn't want me. and I don't want him either. I thought I was simple enough, but I guess my enough doesn't cut for him either. I know He loves me though, and would never cheat on me. I know he has my best interest at heart. But I need a man, who think for himself too. I want him to want to do things for me, not because I want him to. I don't want to control his feelings. I can't... then I'd be lying to myself. I need him to show me his feelings, because he has it deep down inside, not because I bring it out of him. Because I want him to be happy, to see for himself that he's capable of such things. Being a man, being in love, and being happy. I'm sorry he never felt that way with me. I really can't help it. I'm sorry I wasted all his time when he could have found that person to do such things with. I'm sorry that he wasted any feelings for me. I'm sorry I had to put him through what I did at the end. to test him. I just really needed to know if he loves me. And I'm sorry he doesn't. Even though he says he does feel it, but I guess it's not strong enough to stay with me, be with me, and love me. I don't know how he feels. I really can't feel it. There's no spark, or fire, or the oompf that was there before. I need to know he's with me. So i can be sure, I'm not standing alone. But I am alone. I feel sad about it, but at least I know for sure, I have to move on if he's not with me. If he still has feelings for me. He better be man enough to show it. I don't want him to hide it, thinking that's it the best for me. I don't want him to give it up, thinking it's the best for me. I don't want him to let me go, thinking it's the best for me. If I know my man knows what is best for him. I'd feel confident about being in the relationship with him. If he knows that I'm what's best for him, than he knows what I'm worth. and yes, I know I'm worth it baby! He gave me the best break up too. well, our last talk was the saddest, but sweet also. Bittersweetness Breakup. we had our last talk. even if we try to work things out, he doesn't want to anymore, it's too hard. He said it's too impaired to be fixed. I'm not worth it to him. But our relationship meant so much to me. But If i do reall ylove him, I'd have to let him go. I couldn't walk away from him, leaving as he look at me walk away. Because I really don't want to do that. I told him to go to the bathroom so that I can leave. I just couldn't stand the thought of me walking out of his life. So we both left out there together. It was the last time he's going to treat me to puccinno's. last time holding the door for me, and walking me to my car. I was stillgetting to knwo him, and he was still getting to know at that moment. Yeah, we learn about each other during our break up too. I know what he wanted. I kind of knew I wasn't right for him either, but I also knew he loves me. He a very simple nice guy. but sometimes an asshole too. it was great having a relationship with him. He'll get better at it too. Sucks for me, because I did most of the owrk for the next girl... who'll profit more than I would. I wish I can still be friends with him. He's such a great guy. I'm sorry to be selfish, but I do want him all to myself. But the best thing is to let him go now. I telll myself that everyday. I need to know I'm not making a mistake, or at least this is the only thing, or the best thing i can do right now, for the both of us. It'll just be heartache and sadness if we stayed together.

Dreadful December

I had so much planned for this month. This is my longest break until next year December. I don't really have a summer break or a spring break for that matter. Why do I dread it. Because I broke up with my boyfriend. There was so much I wanted to do with him this year that will make it a memorable year. I wanted to share special moments doing little things with him. I never actually been to Celebration in the Oaks. And this will be my first Cirque Du Soleil show also. And the person I'm going with to the show now.... *sigh* I have no idea if I will enjoy myself. I wish I can still go with my ex or something. At least I'd feel more comfortable. But I can't, we are going to move on and that's life. It's going to be hard on both of us if we prolong it. We have to stop seeing each other; and It's only for the best. I really do love him, but I don't think I will ever be as happy as I should be. I've been waiting and waiting for him to show me his heart. I know he wanted to do things for me, but not hard enough to actually do it for me. I understand we're both students and not stable yet. and we don't know how to date. But we can at least try. We need to be more aware of ourselves so that we can treat each other better. I know there are somethings I shouldn't have done on my part to him. But I have to, I need to know what I'm getting myself into. And If i should go on with it or not. And to my disappointment and somewhat relief, I have to let him go. I should have broken up a long time ago. But I knew there had to be something more, But in reality, it's not. He won't change. I don't want him to change who he is. I just want him to be a better boyfriend, make me feel special, So I don't have to try as hard to make it work. We both did tried a little too hard. Maybe that's what happened to us. We both wanted to work things out so much that it got overwhelming. It's too hard. I hope I can find someone who can make me happy. That I don't have to think twice about it or three or four times about being happy, because it naturally does. I guess I blind myself and told myself I was happy because It's the natural thing, but then I tried too hard to be that happy. And I shouldn't. I had so much hope for me and my ex. Given him so any chances. I'm not a hard person. He was just too careful and protective of himself that he doesn't trust me, love me. Dating should like the best time in a relationship, once you get married, it's even harder to make things work. and if it's this hard to make a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to work, we might end up in divorce or something. Some may think marriage gets better, But I think it gets harder. beside from that, it's the beginning that makes you do things. A drive, a spark, a sudden burst of hopeful feeling that can last. We just gotta keep it alive to remind us the good things about being in a relationship and strive through the hard parts together, like through marriage. If i don't have that, I don't feel a reason to keep on going. I was hopeful when he told me as a heads up that there are times when it is better and times when it won't, But I don't feel the better. Maybe he thought it was good enough, but it didn't cut it for me. Sure, good enough is okay, but why stay there when things can be better? I can make it better than he can imagine, but he won't let me. And he won't make it better because of his situation. I don't want to make him feel bad for it, maybe we're just imcompatible. Situation or not, when there's a will there's a way. I'm a freaking broke student too, but I try to work and make effort to do things for him. Now, the tickets I put my effort into getting for him is wasted for a my-trang guy. Urgh* I don't even like this my-trang guy. I hope this my-trang guy doesn't read this, but I'm not into him. he just seem like a very nice friend. a little too easy to use. I warned him already. But he's getting a free ticket to a show, so who cares. I don't care anymore. I don't want to start dating again, not for a very long time. Maybe after I graduate. If i were to stay with Liem, can i do it? sure, why not. But I want to be happier. I don't think Liem can do that, he seem too careful and tight with his money. he said it's because I judge him for being poor, but that's not it. It's his personality. He's careful about spending, even for someone he loves. In the relationship, we made a pact on what to do with our christmas presents this year. that's somewhat controling. If I do get married to him I would have to agree and go along with him. He has this logical way of thinking that we can't spend money because of our financial situation. I understand that, I really do. But we're not married. and dating is dating, we don't have kids to support. Man, if I were to marry him, he can control my money too, and I'm a spender. I'm cheap too but not afraid to spend when need be. I'm a woman, I need to treat myself. What's the pleasure of life when you don't spend the moeny you work so hard for. but he's tight all the time. he doesn't know it though. he says it's because of his financial situation and past experiences with money that made him very careful. His family is like that though. So it's not too surprising. That brings up another thing, our families are different. I'm glad to have sisters to support me and want the best for me. They are not thinking for me, they just know me really well, they knew I can be happier, and they don't understand why I'm tormenting myself to be with him. When I'm much happier, even if I'm single. They knew I could do better and I should just break up with Liem since last year. But I gave liem another chance. give him some time to treat me better, get to know me. He think it got better, but it's still the same. You gotta treat your girlfriend nice man, if you want to keep her around. don't make her feel less important or not good enough for you to do things for her. and don't let her be deprived of showing her feelings too. I know I shouldn't have picked up the bill several times, but that's how i'd treat my bf, the same way he should treat me. I know he both are students and both work hard for our money, so out of courtesy, I pay sometimes, and I really don't mind. But he gotta aprreciate that I even do that. He gotta be the Man! The man have to be the better person and out do things a little for his lady. he didn't for me. I feel like more of a man in the relationship. And funny thing is, I didn't even do much. I could have done more, but I don't want to make him feel behind or less than a man that he is. I treat myself less for him, I didn't go to the mall often. I try to plan trips or go on big events, but I want him to do it first. To make the initial move. But he didn't. I lowered my expectations alot for him. I put some standards down, but even that is a little too high. And I'm worth more than that. I'm a great person, quite adaptable too I might add. I can endure alot of things. *sigh* I can't believe he even made me cry. and this is when we were still in the relationship! I want to be happy, umm... and happier too. Yes I am happy that I'm with him and that we're together trying make things work. but I need more. I need love and compassion, I need laughter and comfort, I need support and trust, I need to know what i'm fighting for and if he's up for the challenge too. I want an ambitious man who's hardworking and fight for what he wants. and what he wants better includes me. No excuses! He's a businessman right?! well, I'm a good investment to his future years and I can benefit from him too. What's so worng in that?! Sure you can be careful , but it takes risks to make the real profit. LOL. stupid analysis but anyways, I'm moving on.