Dreadful December

I had so much planned for this month. This is my longest break until next year December. I don't really have a summer break or a spring break for that matter. Why do I dread it. Because I broke up with my boyfriend. There was so much I wanted to do with him this year that will make it a memorable year. I wanted to share special moments doing little things with him. I never actually been to Celebration in the Oaks. And this will be my first Cirque Du Soleil show also. And the person I'm going with to the show now.... *sigh* I have no idea if I will enjoy myself. I wish I can still go with my ex or something. At least I'd feel more comfortable. But I can't, we are going to move on and that's life. It's going to be hard on both of us if we prolong it. We have to stop seeing each other; and It's only for the best. I really do love him, but I don't think I will ever be as happy as I should be. I've been waiting and waiting for him to show me his heart. I know he wanted to do things for me, but not hard enough to actually do it for me. I understand we're both students and not stable yet. and we don't know how to date. But we can at least try. We need to be more aware of ourselves so that we can treat each other better. I know there are somethings I shouldn't have done on my part to him. But I have to, I need to know what I'm getting myself into. And If i should go on with it or not. And to my disappointment and somewhat relief, I have to let him go. I should have broken up a long time ago. But I knew there had to be something more, But in reality, it's not. He won't change. I don't want him to change who he is. I just want him to be a better boyfriend, make me feel special, So I don't have to try as hard to make it work. We both did tried a little too hard. Maybe that's what happened to us. We both wanted to work things out so much that it got overwhelming. It's too hard. I hope I can find someone who can make me happy. That I don't have to think twice about it or three or four times about being happy, because it naturally does. I guess I blind myself and told myself I was happy because It's the natural thing, but then I tried too hard to be that happy. And I shouldn't. I had so much hope for me and my ex. Given him so any chances. I'm not a hard person. He was just too careful and protective of himself that he doesn't trust me, love me. Dating should like the best time in a relationship, once you get married, it's even harder to make things work. and if it's this hard to make a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to work, we might end up in divorce or something. Some may think marriage gets better, But I think it gets harder. beside from that, it's the beginning that makes you do things. A drive, a spark, a sudden burst of hopeful feeling that can last. We just gotta keep it alive to remind us the good things about being in a relationship and strive through the hard parts together, like through marriage. If i don't have that, I don't feel a reason to keep on going. I was hopeful when he told me as a heads up that there are times when it is better and times when it won't, But I don't feel the better. Maybe he thought it was good enough, but it didn't cut it for me. Sure, good enough is okay, but why stay there when things can be better? I can make it better than he can imagine, but he won't let me. And he won't make it better because of his situation. I don't want to make him feel bad for it, maybe we're just imcompatible. Situation or not, when there's a will there's a way. I'm a freaking broke student too, but I try to work and make effort to do things for him. Now, the tickets I put my effort into getting for him is wasted for a my-trang guy. Urgh* I don't even like this my-trang guy. I hope this my-trang guy doesn't read this, but I'm not into him. he just seem like a very nice friend. a little too easy to use. I warned him already. But he's getting a free ticket to a show, so who cares. I don't care anymore. I don't want to start dating again, not for a very long time. Maybe after I graduate. If i were to stay with Liem, can i do it? sure, why not. But I want to be happier. I don't think Liem can do that, he seem too careful and tight with his money. he said it's because I judge him for being poor, but that's not it. It's his personality. He's careful about spending, even for someone he loves. In the relationship, we made a pact on what to do with our christmas presents this year. that's somewhat controling. If I do get married to him I would have to agree and go along with him. He has this logical way of thinking that we can't spend money because of our financial situation. I understand that, I really do. But we're not married. and dating is dating, we don't have kids to support. Man, if I were to marry him, he can control my money too, and I'm a spender. I'm cheap too but not afraid to spend when need be. I'm a woman, I need to treat myself. What's the pleasure of life when you don't spend the moeny you work so hard for. but he's tight all the time. he doesn't know it though. he says it's because of his financial situation and past experiences with money that made him very careful. His family is like that though. So it's not too surprising. That brings up another thing, our families are different. I'm glad to have sisters to support me and want the best for me. They are not thinking for me, they just know me really well, they knew I can be happier, and they don't understand why I'm tormenting myself to be with him. When I'm much happier, even if I'm single. They knew I could do better and I should just break up with Liem since last year. But I gave liem another chance. give him some time to treat me better, get to know me. He think it got better, but it's still the same. You gotta treat your girlfriend nice man, if you want to keep her around. don't make her feel less important or not good enough for you to do things for her. and don't let her be deprived of showing her feelings too. I know I shouldn't have picked up the bill several times, but that's how i'd treat my bf, the same way he should treat me. I know he both are students and both work hard for our money, so out of courtesy, I pay sometimes, and I really don't mind. But he gotta aprreciate that I even do that. He gotta be the Man! The man have to be the better person and out do things a little for his lady. he didn't for me. I feel like more of a man in the relationship. And funny thing is, I didn't even do much. I could have done more, but I don't want to make him feel behind or less than a man that he is. I treat myself less for him, I didn't go to the mall often. I try to plan trips or go on big events, but I want him to do it first. To make the initial move. But he didn't. I lowered my expectations alot for him. I put some standards down, but even that is a little too high. And I'm worth more than that. I'm a great person, quite adaptable too I might add. I can endure alot of things. *sigh* I can't believe he even made me cry. and this is when we were still in the relationship! I want to be happy, umm... and happier too. Yes I am happy that I'm with him and that we're together trying make things work. but I need more. I need love and compassion, I need laughter and comfort, I need support and trust, I need to know what i'm fighting for and if he's up for the challenge too. I want an ambitious man who's hardworking and fight for what he wants. and what he wants better includes me. No excuses! He's a businessman right?! well, I'm a good investment to his future years and I can benefit from him too. What's so worng in that?! Sure you can be careful , but it takes risks to make the real profit. LOL. stupid analysis but anyways, I'm moving on.