Just Thinking

I can imagine me and my ex being just friends. Although he may feel uncomforatble by it because he loves me so much, and can't bare to be with me, and yet not be with me. I just want to be with him, in a relationship with him or not. Just to ask him how he's doing what he's been up to. Just enjoy each other's company. I mean the love that we shared can't become obsolete that quickly. We owe it to each other to be at least be friends. I know we do care for each other. I mean, I'd want that. So we can't work out the relationship, but we can still have fun just being friends. We'd still have our moments too. Maybe, in the relationship, we were too serious too fast. We wanted to go slow, but heck, we really liked each other too much. Sometimes, I felt very tempted to rush into things. I guess that hurted me and him too. All this over analyzing and serious talk got us over our heads. we forgot to chill out and just enjoy being together. But we can't be naive and ignore the doubts and uneasiness that is under our skin. We know we're two different people. I'm proud that we even came together and tried to work things out. It was great while it lasted. We had things in common too. We had our moments and happy times. Those are the memories that is killing me now. Looking towards my future kills me too . So many more chances to make more memories, but now we can't. I can't help that he's all I still think about. I knew that I would terribly miss him. I know it'll be hard to be without him. I don't have much to look forward to, especially this time of year. It's so sad. alone fro christmas, when just a few weeks ago I had so much planned. Now all my christams plans is ruined. I'm doing it with someone else. Someone I don't know or trust or feel anything for. Why?! why didn't he even stop me! It's not right, he's not going to put up a fight for me, not now, not ever. He knows I don't like this guy. maybe I shouldn't have tested him then either. I have to deal with the consequences now. It's okay, I'm going to be strong and go through with it anyway. I think this would be a good time for me to chill out before school starts again. I won't have a long break again until next christmas. *sigh* This has been another saddest and depressing moment of my life. This will probably last for a very long time. but I will still live on. So, don't worry too much, I'm still alive, I'll do fine. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Some people, after a break up, just somehow do become stronger. It's inside you, a force that you need to make yourself feel better. Since your ex has brought you down so much, you got to pull yourself up. maybe there is a little competitiveness to it also. Some may think it's silly that we're trying to out do our ex, but maybe you need that driving force to live on without your ex. I want to prove to myself that the choice I made is right. I do deserve better. I don't need a boyfriend who makes me feel bad about myself. He made me feel as if I'm not good enough or too good for him and that it's bad. I don't understand and know him well enough. well, he doesn't know me that well either. I'm a woman, I'd fight for what I want. Yeah, I tested him, but that's life. I have to know what I'm getting myself into. I do trust liem, but I trust me more. You can't blame me for doing what I did. I had to do what I had to do. I know now that he can let go of me. he'll just give up on me when it's hard. he said our relationship is to impaired to fix anymore. That we've tried already and that it won't work out. I felt so sad, I'm not good enough for him to do that for. I'm not the one for him. No matter how much he think he loves he doesn't. I can't be mad at him for that, he never did say he love me. And I'm grateful he never use those words loosely. But actions are stronger than words. he never got me roses. and that's the easiest thing you can do to make a girl happy and forget about everything else. That's like the most obvious thing you can do. Shwo her that you care enough to go get roses and look like a fool, a sweet fool for her. I know that if Liem doesn't want good things for me now, he won't think I deserve those good things later in life. He will deprive me of it. His pride and ego are much more important. He won't let it down to show his woman that he cares. He's too higly of himself to give a damn about me. He doesn't want nice things for me. and youknwo what else, he doesn't let me buy those things for him also. I got him a decent gift last year. It's not expensive but I put alot of effort to run around and find the best deal. and I was so mad he didn't want it, and I had to try so hard until he finally took it. He did the same shit this year with the aphelion tickets. Sigh* you can't change a man for nothing. it's his ego. And I'm being the bad person for bringing him down for being that. Man... I don't know what to do, I just want him to have good things too. I love him. So I stop expecting alot. I down played a few things. Try to think like he does to understand him. I try to do things differently and want less but I can't help it. I am who I am. But if he changes me into something I'm not, in the end I'm the person who's going to unhappy. I know he loves me and tells me all the time how special I am to him. How happy I make him. And I'm happy that I do. But what about me. I want so much, but he pulls away, he's have pretty good explanations or excuses that I can't complain about. And I didn't say anything. But sorry, I'm complaining now, I'm a woman. I can't forget that. I was losing myself in this relationship, maybe I was too into it. Too serious and wanted so much for it too work. I beleived in my heart it was the right thing to do. But Love is blind. You do crazy things. Like keep silent when you should've spoken up. I won't stay silent to make him feel better anymore. I need to speak up for myself and fight for what I want. I want a man. and If he's not man enough for me, than so be it. I gave Liem enough chances to be that man. If i were to stay silent now, I would've been a silent wife if we lasted that long. A sadly silent wife who thinks she's happy because her love was more important than herself. No, I am important! and if a man doesn't understand that, he's not a worthy man of this woman.