since I've dreamed of him like that.
I don't know what to make of it.
I always knew I loved him.
I miss being close to him.
Most definitely close.
That heavy feeling inside my heart,
He triggered it again.
It's been so long since I felt that way.
I miss it so much.
Seeing him.
and I miss us.
I miss myself being in love with him..
I miss being held.
I miss holding his hands, just being next to him.
Should I just dust it off and let it go.
Or does this mean something more?
I'm so scared of feeling this way again,
I don't know if I can handle this feeling
Actually I already began, I'm trying to fight it off.
But somehow, it's taking the best of me.
To the point it's in my dreams?
It's obviously something I've been thinking about alot lately.
Everything that's going on around me somewhat revolves around it.
Is God telling me something??
Am I not listening?
What does God tell me?
What does my heart tell me?
I feel guilty for the most part.
Like I betrayed us.
I felt like I cheated on him.
If he knew, he would be so hurt.
I don't want that.
If he knew how stupid I was, or how imperfect I am.
or how ugly I am from the inside
He wouldn't want anything to do with me.
If he knew.. I'd be the one devastated.
I wish I can talk to him.
to know how he feels.
I wish I can tell him things I kept inside for so long.
things I don't even write but haunts me every effen day.
because I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't even bring myself, to even dare write out
what exactly happened that one night.
Things I have to live with on my own.
Not sharing the pain and guilt inside.
That was killing me for so long now.
Kept me from living my life.
I wish I can go back to days when I whole
I fell apart that one december night
and I never actually recovered.
I live with it day in and day out.
It's part of me, even though I don't like it
I'll just have to deal with it and move on.
let go all of it.
[2.10.09]
