I just realized the pain in my life that Jesus warned me about two weeks ago. As I sat in the pew at the back of the church during mass this morning. I thought about my weekend... and it was one hell of a weekend, but there was only one thing that was on my mind. The second I gave into my past, the things I hoped faded away, it comes again. I had to quickly hold back my tears from falling. I can't handle the intense sadness. I thought I was going to be okay but the more I think about him and our past I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. I hate this feeling, when I thought I was over him, but suddenly, I'm back at square one. Missing him... can't think of anything else but him.... frustratingly it was just like the old days. Why do I always fall back into this state of mind. I love him but I can't be with him. I wish I can go away from it all because it's all hopelessness and failure and misery. All our memories we had rushed back into me.. and all the things that's been going in his life I'm not part of right now. The could have been, would have been, should have beens hitting me one by one. This line we created to not be friends just makes me furious. ugh. I don't even know what to write anymore. I give up. I surrender. Jesus pull me out of this misery.
And there's something else I'm so freaking worried about. I've been spotting for a whole week now. And I think it's because of my workout and diet ever since I joined the gym. I guess the stress I put on my body physically is changing more than I thought. This spotting never happened before and freaking lasting for a whole week?! This change has to be the result of a bigger change. and the only thing I can think of is the change in my diet and exercise.
