I need to focus on schoolwork
Studied with Ton at UNO today
Hang out with him the night before
talked alot about my past and sex life
he shared a few stories himself
We've always been open about our sexuality since younger
even though we don't have it with each other.
but talking about it isn't awkward between me and him
maybe because I only see him as a friend
and not a significant other
that makes me less nervous to talk to him about it.
Well, we're adults
and things change
since our naive childhood
He had two experiences.
I had one. but incomplete.
I was ashamed of my experience.
Good thing I didn't go further.
It was with someone I didn't really care about.
It's funny Ton and I both once wanted to save sex for marriage
when we were younger, like back in high-school.
Wow, things have changed since then.
He tried to tell me...
Not to expect my future lovers to be virgins.
He knows many guys and girls that are not nowadays...
It's very hard and rare and not to get my hopes up too high.
Humph! I was kinda indifferent about that.
What a perv I thought.
But he's still himself. And its the truth.
I'll understand for him.
But he doesn't have to try to convince me to think differently
of my views on sex and relationships.
It kinda dawned on me... maybe I should've slept with Liem
Sure, part of marriage is the sexual connection.
But I don't want to regret anything and get hurt.
Which, I guess my heartbreak pain relieved in a better fashion
And yes, we talked about having sex, I felt scared mostly with him.
It not as open as I liked it to be,
It was hard for me to handle with all that temptations from him.
We both knew we had to control each other.
But where was the line? When did it moved further?
I was nervous and worried, but also didn't want him to think I didn't love him.
It was something I wanted to save for marriage and enjoy full on.
We were still young and unstable with our lives,
why mix sex and all that risks?
I know he didn't want me to get pregnant or anything, but still.
it means alot to me, and I want it to be right.
Maybe I did something wrong to him that day.
Lead him on and sudden absolute stop.
That's the only thinkg I can think of
that may have made him wanted to break up with me.
I just remember being sad and couldn't trust him anymore.
I always wanted to be intimate with him, but it have to be at the right time.
I hope he didn't breakup with me because he just wanted to have sex.
But I don't think Liem is that kind of person.
Maybe, who knows.
