Never Settle for Less

Thinking about me and Liem, about two years ago, we was talking about him being the best that I deserve. He agreed, I do deserve the best. It's what my sisters was telling me that made him consider the thought. I felt in my heart that day it doesn't matter if he's the best, I already love him. But am I the best for him? he doesn't know it himself. But now that that's clearly all done and shot to hell.... What's the best now? Of course everyone wants the best... but is it easy to come by and how do you know it's the best when there's no one else to compare it to? Maybe I just can't be with anyone else! My naiveness has put me in a peculiar place because I can't see myself being with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. How can I open my heart to anyone else to even see what's better out there if there is something better? I know I've done some stupid things, does that mean I have to settle for much less than I deserve now. I hope not, because that would mean so much more to me than firstlove heartbreak. It's never being in love again because I'm not as deserving anymore. I'm not their best or they're not the best to me. Can they have their way with me however they want because I'm sloppy seconds from Liem? And I shouldn't expect alot from them?! I can't let anyone make me see it differently. I do still deserve the best don't I? I'm still a virgin... I think. I was very close to having sex... I migth as well have. But, I never actually had intercourse though. So, I consider that as being a virgin. Well, I still want to keep my virginity before marriage. If Liem did broke up with me because I didn't sleep with him, than maybe it was the right thing we broke up. I can't settle for anything less. I know I shouldn't expect the same status as for my future husband, but on my part, that's very important to me. I want my first to be within marriage just because I want it that way. Not because it's the church demands it. or I'm a stupid clueless little girl that's hoping for something only to be a self-created let down. And it's not a hopeless dream that will hinder the whole experience altogether and shouldn't be put on a pedestal. I want it to be special and right my first time to someone I really love. It's not just sex. Not to me. I can't believe I didn't see it cleary as I do now when someone tried to make me think otherwise. For me, Liem is the best because I chose him to be that person for me. I don't care if he has done all the wrong things. I still see him as the best for me than anyone else; because he makes me feel I'm the best for him. But after the best, what's next?! Next to the worst is all I can think of right now. I feel hopeless, maybe faithless on love. Do I settle for less now? I know with all the temptations in the world, it's very hard. Maybe we should just give in and give up. I don't know. I want my first time to be with Liem and no one else because he is my first love and I was the best. Now, that I'm less.... I feel inadequate for anyone. I feel like I'm not worthy of that love anymore. I wish I can still talk to Liem. He knows I'm still all new to this love/relationship/sex journey that I once shared with him. We're somewhat in the same boat because I know he really did love me. I may have ruin his future relationships with other girls in his future, but I don't want him to settle for anything less either.