His Birthday

I'm always thinking of him. No matter what, deep down inside, he's a part of me. I wish I could tell him Happy Birthday.

Song: How Can I Tell You (Cat Stevens) - Liz Durrette
This song really expresses everything I'm feeling right now.

Sharing the Love

I think I was on the verge of becoming lesbian this past weekend. I never trusted anyone like this before! She is like my best friend right now. I would kill her if she tells people about me, especially my parents! I'm really a wild child that's been kept protected for too long. And I revealed to her that I'm really a freaky deaky! LOL! Well, mostly in dancing anyways. I never had sex to actually claim that. She told me she would have to get me drunk to see how crazy I get. Which will never happen! Many said that they would, but I never gave them that chance. I don't think I can even trust myself being drunk! But maybe I'll get drunk on graduation night with her... That would be an experience! We're quickly becoming best of friends! She talks to me about things that's deeper than most people would and I tell her alot of personal things about me too. I also have alot of fun with her too. We have so much things in common, but yet still very different. Oh my God! I can't believe how much stuff went down that night. Well, she called me and asked if I wanted to come out and eat dinner with Vinh and that she would drive. I wasn't really hungry... I just wanted to go out that night. I was so glad she made plans with me. She drove us to the westbank and we ate at Chili's. Vinh didn't know I was coming until our phone chat in the car and he recognized my voice! It was fun just hanging out and talk alot about random things and BS like we usually do. This time without the intention of studying. And then Ton called me and told me he was going to Masquerade with the bunch. I wanted to go, but Tien was wearing uncomfortable shoes. Vinh doesn't dance so he quickly turned down the idea. Tien was about to drop me off to meet Ton there, but I changed my mind and went back to the east instead with her. I stayed at her house for a while to use the bathroom and I fed her puppies! She really love those dogs! Then her sister called and asked if we wanted to go to Masquerade. Very coincidental~! So we waited until Vi came home and Tien picked out her shoes and redid her makeup. We had time to just chill and hangout. She told me about her dogs, shoes, and handbags. We share alot of things about our past relationship with guys too. Her's about Hung and me about Liem. It was also a coincident that we broke up with them at almost the same time and still coping with it. We listen to the same break-up songs! LOL! Anyways, Vi's boyfriend Emerson drove us in case we drink. Which I didn't but danced away the night with random people like a drunk anyways. And I tried a few sips of whatever she handed me. But not alot of course. I was totally sober. I hated the taste of many of them. It was like medicine. And I can't believe she took my shots for me!! She literally drank double shots!! and was buzzing the whole night! LOL! and Vi got drunk! It was so funny! They taught me how to do lap dances. LOL! And Tien really enjoyed her night with me. I made her dance!! She introduced me to alot of her friends and I danced with them too! They took shots throughout the night, except me. I don't think they knew I was sober... They probably thought I was drunk as they were from my crazy dancing. They got me a shot too, but Tien drank it for me. To me, that was very thoughtful of her because she knows I hate drinking. I told her about my sake bomb and that I don't like the feeling where my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm all warm and fuzzy. I guess it's the buzzing feeling?! Most people enjoys it, but for me, I hate to feel my heart racing like that. I don't think I can ever get to the point of drunkeness. I can dance without drinking to loosen up. I just love dancing! I met a few new friends there that night. I danced very vulgarly with them too. I didn't care too much, they were drunk and probably forgot who I am already. I didn't know they had girlfriends until an hour or two afterwards. Which was annoying that Tien didn't tell me early. I kinda felt like a bimbo for bumping my ass next to guys who have girlfriends already. I do respect their girlfriend feelings. I'm more comfortable dancing with single guys because it's just all in good fun. No strings attached and just good ole dirty dancing fun. I just like the crazy dancing. It's like a workout for me. I feel my quads aching from all that getting low on Tien. LOL! I also had a guy getting low on me! He was quite a dancer too! I think his name is Khanh. Tien told me he was in Pharmacy. And if Tien told me earlier that he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have dance with him they way I did. Same goes to a guy named Son. I feel really dirty for dancing all up on them like that. They were not innocent themselves because they were dancing all up on me too! It was all in good fun anyways. Nothing serious and I really didn't care. The person I handled most was Tien anyways. I told her I would dance with her like a lesbian! And Vi got a nasty lap dance from me! LOL! It was my first time giving one ever! Then I saw Truc and gave her one too! She was with Thao and I danced a little bit with her.... And Tram was miss photographer didn't dance with me! But we took some silly pictures. I saw Thu, Lan, and Jesscia for a little bit. But they were leaving when I started dancing with Thu. Must of been a night for them. I saw Dyanuh there too! It's been so long since I've seen her! I miss her so much! She was so drunk and hella funny! I knew she can drink alot and still be fine. But that night may be one of those crazy nigths for her. I walked her to her friend because I wasn't sure she could walk on her own. It was so crazy! I didn't get home til 6:00am. Mom and Dad didn't know I even left the house that night. I made it to 11:00am mass looking decent. But it was one hell of a night! Sunday was uneventful. I slept most of the day and watched House. Ton called me to go eat but I was so tired and grumpy I really didn't want to do anything but sleep! Today, I'm catching up on my chores and schoolwork. And of course, writing this blog! Going to the next thing on my to do list. Thao-vi and Anna went to the parade in Metairie, which I passed, my quads are aching and I don't want to lose my voice. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. If I finish my introduction to my senior thesis.

Slipped Up

So I ate alot today. I ate after the time limit too. Crawfish season is back. =( I can't help it. It was so good. Anyways, so I haven't been writing the past few days because I was a little busy. I didn't even have time to write Nga the email about my partying weekend. But I will. and I need to shower too. I feel dirty after eating all that juicy crawfish. I didn't go to the gym today either. I did the opposite, stayed home and ate with my family. I also took naps wiht my little niece today too. She came over and it's been a while since I babysat her. I love her so much. She's growing so much and so fast! But all in all, I had a Fat day. And it's not even Mardi Gras yet!
So, I'm going to the gym tomorrow by myself because Xuan went to Chicago this weekend. And I didn't ask Thu to join me because I don't think she really enjoys it, and she doesn't really need to. I went to the Gym on Earhart on Tuesday. I didn't like their old elliptical machines. It doesn't have the programs like the one on Veterans. I saw Son monkey at the gym on Wednesday and said hello. On Thrusday, I did yoga with Thuy Tien! We talked alot too. Shared alot of unexpected things. She knows my biggest secret, but I know hers too. I can't beleive how fast and easily I made friends with her and trusted her with such things. I hope this new found friendship doesn't end in catastrophe. I guess my past experiences has affected my views on people. But I shouldn't let it get in the way. I'm quickly trusting people, and I don't know if I should. But I'm willing to take some risks. She's seems like a good person. So, yeah... we did yoga together. Then afterwards we went to TjMaxx and got me a Yoga mat. It was about time I invested in one. When I was giving her a tour of the gym, we bumped into Huy Duong again. He knows Tien too. Had a little chat. and I gave Huy a rub down of his muscles. I wasn't afraid of what people thought. Damn, that boy is fine. Plus, it was all fun and jokingly funny anyways. He know he looks good. Anyways, before gym that day, I went to Ton's house again, and we just watched House. I didn't want to stay home and be lazy. I think, as long as I don't go home, I'm less likely to eat and be lazy. We planned on going Sushi Brothers today but cancelled instead. Which I'm kinda glad because there's traffic from parades and stuff. He also told me UNO VASA people were meeting there for the parades. I was kinda excited to see them, but the traffic and parallel parking bothered me. I suck at it. We can go another time.
Okay, so here goes. I've been thinking alot about Ton. He's always been there for me when I need someone to talk to. I hate to take advantage of him, but we've known each other for so long. He's the other person who knows my biggest secret. He was the first and only person I told right when it happened a little over a year ago. My friendship with Ton is kind of confusing now. Why did I speand so much time with him this past week? Do I like him? I don't know how to explain it. The big thing: we've been friends for so long, it's weird if it were any different. Is there an attraction?! Maybe, but it might be for the wrong reasons. I can't see myself being with him in that way. He seems like a perverted guy to me. But he's just a friend and I should be understanding to him, cause he is my friend right? But sometimes I think he wants to be more than that or maybe that's how friendly he is to any girl. I'll admit, I like the attention and the touches he tried to advance on me. Sorry, I've been lonely. So, I tried to imagine and actually put my heart and thoughts to him when spending time with him this past week. And I don't know. It's just no spark. And I can't help it. But I really do appreciate him for being there. He is a really nice guy, under all the crazy nasty sex jokes. Which is not a way to sweep a girl off her feet. Sure it's funny but it's also a turn off for me. And I don't want to lead him on. So I gotta tell him right? Will that be unfair? because he always thought we were just friends and that he didn't know I was trying to give him a chance with me. Or just forget all together and spare the awkward conversation and still be friends like we are. I think we can spare it. I think I'm just overthinking it. And I'm lonely. I wish I had a boyfriend. Now, I sound like a pathetic loser. A lonely girl. Who has a single guy in front of her... and we've been friends for so long. Huh? Classic isn't it? I'm stupid. Well, I know I don't have feelings for him that way. Even if I force it, it's doesn't feel right.

Checking Out

Damn!! So I was driving home after workingout and I saw this hot guy washing his BMW with his shirt off. He's not buff, but his skin complexion was a nice asian tan. Damn, call me crazy but I was looking hard and smiling. He had some nice natural guyish curves on him. I was singing a song in the car and couldn't help laughing out loud from being excited. He's was the higlight of my day. A strange half naked guy innocently washing his car. And then I thought, hey he doesn't know me, so I turned the car around and got another glimpse. LOL! I love being single. I don't feel guilty checking guys out, and I am not afraid if that guy knows I'm checking him out either. He asked for it! I just took advantage of it. I cannot describe the sneaky things I do at the gym when I'm checking out a guy. Because it's too embarassing. I do it in a way that they won't know I'm looking. I have to! I don't want them to know how pathetic I am. Sometimes, it may be too obvious. I'm embarassed when I get caught, I just smile really big and then give them a thumbs up from afar and go back to minding my own business. I think it gives them a little flatterness and confidence. Oh well, I'm a girl I can't help it. I bet they like the attention too. It's a win win situation.

I think my level of health has gone up a notch or two. Body and mind. I'm more outgoing and more happy. I lost about ten pounds from one month at the gym 3-4 days a week. The endorphins are flowing! I feel really good about myself. Oh, my period is done! I think I'm okay now. If it had gone another week abnormal, I would go to the OBGYN or health clinic to see what's up. I'm thinking about getting a basal temperature thermometer. It's something I should start monitoring to watch for my ovulation cycle. It can be a natural form of birth control too called Billings method. No condoms or pills and such are needed. It's just an awareness of my own body. I may be sexually active in the next coming years. And want to be well aware of my body for when the time's right. And healthwise, it's also a good idea to make sure my cycles are normal. I want to be more educated about sex and socializing because I want to be healthy and smart about making decisions about sex and relationships. I don't want to go in stupid and not know what I'm doing. I'm a sexual being and I want to enjoy every aspect of it. Sex isn't just sex, you gotta be smart about it too.

dailyscriptureblog.com

Give all you have to the Lord God and trust Him to give back all that you need.

It’s not every day that you find someone who will give you a second chance—much less someone who will give you a second chance every day.

In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Walking by faith means you see God’s hand even in the most difficult of circumstances.

Sex Talk

I need to focus on schoolwork
Studied with Ton at UNO today
Hang out with him the night before
talked alot about my past and sex life
he shared a few stories himself
We've always been open about our sexuality since younger
even though we don't have it with each other.
but talking about it isn't awkward between me and him
maybe because I only see him as a friend
and not a significant other
that makes me less nervous to talk to him about it.
Well, we're adults
and things change
since our naive childhood
He had two experiences.
I had one. but incomplete.
I was ashamed of my experience.
Good thing I didn't go further.
It was with someone I didn't really care about.
It's funny Ton and I both once wanted to save sex for marriage
when we were younger, like back in high-school.
Wow, things have changed since then.
He tried to tell me...
Not to expect my future lovers to be virgins.
He knows many guys and girls that are not nowadays...
It's very hard and rare and not to get my hopes up too high.
Humph! I was kinda indifferent about that.
What a perv I thought.
But he's still himself. And its the truth.
I'll understand for him.
But he doesn't have to try to convince me to think differently
of my views on sex and relationships.
It kinda dawned on me... maybe I should've slept with Liem
Sure, part of marriage is the sexual connection.
But I don't want to regret anything and get hurt.
Which, I guess my heartbreak pain relieved in a better fashion
And yes, we talked about having sex, I felt scared mostly with him.
It not as open as I liked it to be,
It was hard for me to handle with all that temptations from him.
We both knew we had to control each other.
But where was the line? When did it moved further?
I was nervous and worried, but also didn't want him to think I didn't love him.
It was something I wanted to save for marriage and enjoy full on.
We were still young and unstable with our lives,
why mix sex and all that risks?
I know he didn't want me to get pregnant or anything, but still.
it means alot to me, and I want it to be right.
Maybe I did something wrong to him that day.
Lead him on and sudden absolute stop.
That's the only thinkg I can think of
that may have made him wanted to break up with me.
I just remember being sad and couldn't trust him anymore.
I always wanted to be intimate with him, but it have to be at the right time.
I hope he didn't breakup with me because he just wanted to have sex.
But I don't think Liem is that kind of person.
Maybe, who knows.

Never Settle for Less

Thinking about me and Liem, about two years ago, we was talking about him being the best that I deserve. He agreed, I do deserve the best. It's what my sisters was telling me that made him consider the thought. I felt in my heart that day it doesn't matter if he's the best, I already love him. But am I the best for him? he doesn't know it himself. But now that that's clearly all done and shot to hell.... What's the best now? Of course everyone wants the best... but is it easy to come by and how do you know it's the best when there's no one else to compare it to? Maybe I just can't be with anyone else! My naiveness has put me in a peculiar place because I can't see myself being with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. How can I open my heart to anyone else to even see what's better out there if there is something better? I know I've done some stupid things, does that mean I have to settle for much less than I deserve now. I hope not, because that would mean so much more to me than firstlove heartbreak. It's never being in love again because I'm not as deserving anymore. I'm not their best or they're not the best to me. Can they have their way with me however they want because I'm sloppy seconds from Liem? And I shouldn't expect alot from them?! I can't let anyone make me see it differently. I do still deserve the best don't I? I'm still a virgin... I think. I was very close to having sex... I migth as well have. But, I never actually had intercourse though. So, I consider that as being a virgin. Well, I still want to keep my virginity before marriage. If Liem did broke up with me because I didn't sleep with him, than maybe it was the right thing we broke up. I can't settle for anything less. I know I shouldn't expect the same status as for my future husband, but on my part, that's very important to me. I want my first to be within marriage just because I want it that way. Not because it's the church demands it. or I'm a stupid clueless little girl that's hoping for something only to be a self-created let down. And it's not a hopeless dream that will hinder the whole experience altogether and shouldn't be put on a pedestal. I want it to be special and right my first time to someone I really love. It's not just sex. Not to me. I can't believe I didn't see it cleary as I do now when someone tried to make me think otherwise. For me, Liem is the best because I chose him to be that person for me. I don't care if he has done all the wrong things. I still see him as the best for me than anyone else; because he makes me feel I'm the best for him. But after the best, what's next?! Next to the worst is all I can think of right now. I feel hopeless, maybe faithless on love. Do I settle for less now? I know with all the temptations in the world, it's very hard. Maybe we should just give in and give up. I don't know. I want my first time to be with Liem and no one else because he is my first love and I was the best. Now, that I'm less.... I feel inadequate for anyone. I feel like I'm not worthy of that love anymore. I wish I can still talk to Liem. He knows I'm still all new to this love/relationship/sex journey that I once shared with him. We're somewhat in the same boat because I know he really did love me. I may have ruin his future relationships with other girls in his future, but I don't want him to settle for anything less either.

Another Story

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by its color and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed, the mother hurried him to the hospital. He died. The mother was stunned! She was terrified how she was going to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.


QUESTIONS:
1. What were the five words?
2. What is the implication of this story?

ANSWER:
The husband just said "I am with you Darling". The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened. No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her. If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.

'As for me, this story is really worth reading. Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way we miss out some warmth in human relationship.'

There so much going on in my mind that I'm afraid to even put it out into words right now. I want to clear my mind, so here's a story instead of my thoughts.

Single Awareness Day

Today lived up to its name.
I found out something that entirely broke my heart again.
I hate myself for even relapsing again.
ugh!!! Van! don't watse time thinking about it
or even writing it
I'm going to sleep it off.
I made my mistakes, paid my dues.
That's enough.

My butt hurts

I think every other day I have some sort of pain on a part of my body.

Today it's my butt! I did cycling today. Oh my... It felt like I lost my virginity to that bicycle seat. It hurted me. I kept on bumping my privates into the seat when I was pedaling while lifted off the seat. So I leaned forward a little more, but the handles were right underneath me, and it was harder to lift off and pedal the pedals in that position. I couldn't believe the intensity of it!! I was afraid I couldn't make it through the whole class. But I did! Right after, I saw my former co-worker Danny lifting weights right outside the door of the cycling room. I gave him a big hug and had a quick chat. I just recently talked to him last week when I visited smoothie king. I told him about my Friday night at the gay bar and my plans for baton rouge that day. I forgot to tell him about masq today though. He would be surprised I did that two nigths in a row. LOL! He's been doing fine too. He told me last week that he's getting into Physical Therapy school. He actually works like one already and getting paid too!! But he still needs his professional license and schooling. hehehe... I'm so glad for him. He seems goal oriented and happy again. The last time I talked to him was at his Dad's funeral. And goodness... that parade... I wanted to meet Vinh at Barnes before gym and talk about today and stuff, but it was closing at 6. Well, we texted each other during clinics, but was not entirely texting in details and I wanted to talk to him about Xavier and the school of Pharmacy bad news. But the traffic on Veterans was crazy!!! We ended up at Circuit City though! And finally talked while browsing around. There wasn't much in the store because it's going out of business anyway. I found out more about Xavier than I thougth I knew. But it's not good news so I'll pass on the details here. There's alot of people I know in New Orleans who are in that program almost done or trying to get into it. Then I left to the gym and he went home. I also met an old acquaintance today at the gym. Man, I've been meeting and talking to so many different people lately. I guess I'm out more than usual. Well, her name is Lien. I only remember her from ccd, but I never actually talked to her then. But I'm glad she turned around, said Hi and striked up a conversation with me. I honestly felt intimidated by her at first, but once I got to know her a little more, she's really a cool gal. I couldn't believe how open and down to earth she is with me. I always thought she was too popular and pretty to talk to me. That kind of made my day. While at the gym, Chanh Thu Texted me and we made plans for tomorrow!! she's going to the gym with me tomorrow. And I'm going to pack things to shower afterwards. I usually don't shower there, because it's public and all but if Thu needs to shower, I'll shower with her... of course, not in the same stall. LOL. After gym, I was stuck in traffic because of the parade on Veterans. Near home, Anna called and told me to pick up movies at Vuong house. So I went to his house and talked to him and my two cousins who are there with him. They were just chilling and planning their night/weekend. apparently there's a neyo concert going on. Then mommy called and asked where I was. LOL! I can't beleive mom still doesn't trust me. But whatever. I told her where I was and where I went. and that I'm really near home. Good Gracious. Anyways, I got home, ate dinner, showered, took out the trash and did laundry... which I have to go back to finish now. Oh, I Love my Mommy. She's too cute sometimes. She finally had her own phone now. It feels weird having my cellphone caller ID show "Mommy". I can't believe my mom knows how to use a cellphone! She used to ask us to call for her. But she can call grandma or anyone on her contact list now.

Friends & Confidence

It's what makes me happy.
I've been losing weight.
Not alot, but I see the difference.
My skin is clearer because I drink mostly water.
I'm so happy.
I'm myself again.
I've been away for so long.
No more "solitude" mode anymore
I've been dead for over a year now.
I went through a bad relatioship and needed time to recover.
Am I totally recovered?
Well, God drew the final straw
And that's exactly what I needed.
I needed to beleive in myself.
to get through the pain.
When I saw my ex again,
It was a moment of truth for me,
That pain I ran away from,
In a way I still want to run away from it altogether.
But what I need to do is face it head on.
Have faith in myself.
I'm stronger than I thought I was.
I know God works in mysterious ways.
But once I let go of my pain,
I find God wonderous miracles worked in the people in my life
Everything happens for a reason.
I really believe that.
I just so happen to bump into Victoria today at Barnes.
I had a wonderful conversation with her.
As if the estranged person I've been didn't matter.
I've always been an approachable person.
And she said some really nice things to me.
I also told her a few things too about herself.
She just needed a boost of confidence and faith that she must have in herself.
I gave her the same advice I just realized on myself.
I needed faith in myself, I needed confidence.
And now I'm happy in my own way.
I was so glad I had that conversation with her.
I've been away from friends for so long.
and it so happens that lately I've been bumping into alot of friends.
God knew me too well.
I'm grateful for them Jesus. Yes, Yes I am.
After Barnes I went to Paul's house and had another great conversation too.
It's been a while since I had one of those with him.
It's also his birthday tomorrow.
I got him a book I recently read and ejoyed very much. "Rich Dad Poor Dad"
Which I also recommmened to Victoria.
She's a business major and I know she will really enjoy it.
I also got Paul a giftcard to Starbucks for his green tea lemonades.
And I sat down and actually talked to him today of how I've been doing.
And also thanked him for being there as a listening ear
when I was down in the dumps.
When I first broke up with Liem and did something
very stupid afterwards with another guy.
He's one of the only friends that I can trust other than Ton.
He has a perspective on things that's different from Ton.
But him just being there to listen means so much to me.
I wanted to let him know that.
I also told him my reconnected friendship with Nga.
And also my wild weekend that just have passed.
He doing very well himself.
He's enjoying his Master program very much and is very happy.
He's working and still have all his friends in his life.
He's a very good friend and deserves the best from me too.
I wish I was half as good a friend as he is to me.
The day doesn't end there.
I got texts from Chanh Thu right after Yoga,
I asked her if she want to go to the gym with me sometimes
We might go this Saturday if she's free.
After Yoga I met up with Vinh at Barnes to study.
But before I saw Vinh, I saw Thuy Tien~!
I gave her a big hug!
and we sat and did some catching up and talk alot too.
Vinh came by and joined in.
I really enjoyed my day.
I opened up myself to each and every person today in a different way.
But I let them know the truth.
I even talked about Liem to them too.
He's obviously been on my mind.
I find that without friends, I won't be able to move on.
But I am.
And I'm glad.
I'm grateful for friends. Jesus reminded me of that as of late.
And as for Family. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them.
Thank you, thank you Jesus.

Abdominal pain

No I'm not pregnant.
Why the abdominal pains?!
It just aches really.
I went to the gym last night and did alot of abs workout.
Saw an old friend!
Well, he was once my past love of my life.
It's really nothing, but to me, at that age, it was everything.
At one point of my life, I truly really loved him.
He was my first official boyfriend that I put my heart into.
Dat Le. I can't believe it!
Although it was at a very young age, I swear it was the world to me.
But now, all I can do about it is laugh of how silly I was.
I had no idea what Love was and now I'm really glad we're good friends.
We have a connection that will last forever.
I went to school with him in high school too.
We were classmates and high school graduates.
Even though we were never close, we still kept in touch and respect each other.
He's grown into a very handsome man I might add.
I think I always had a little crush on him, but nothing more.
I didn't know he was at the gym, I think he spotted me and came over to mess with me.
But he has the most adorable personality. I guess it's his charm.
I also saw another friend too!
I first met him in college playing cards or was it volleyball?
Huy Duong. He has the cutest smile.
Like a little boy who was up to no good kinda smile.
Though his smile did not change, other things have.
Man does he workout! He has some nice arms! =)
I think I've been looking way to hard.
Been thinking about alot of things lately.
And reading too. Like "He's not that into you" and "Rich Dad Poor Dad"
I'm longing for my soul-mate...
Maybe I just need someone to make the thought of Liem go away.
As much as I try to make him go away from my mind, he's not.
I hate missing someone knowing that it's all hopelessness.
I need hope. Hope for a better day.
Faith to keep me strong in my lonliest days.
And Love, because I know it's all worth the waiting for.

I also need to add: I'm on my period! Finally! It's slow but it's still a flow. It's not as dark like the spotting anymore. I guess I'm just having a long period. To think of it... My last period was really short. I guess my body is trying to normalize itself. Which makes sense to me. Is this like my mid-point of birthing age?! I guess reality strikes again. My motherly clock is ticking down. I feel the pressure of wanting children bearing down on me. It's silly I know. I'm only 24. But I feel my life is starting, but going no where. BLAH! But I still feel like a little kid. There's so much things I never encountered before. Why do I want kids?! I'm really a kid at heart. That's why I won't be a good mother. I'll be too much of their friend.

Spouse from God

Another Story I Found

A man and his girlfriend were married. It was a large celebration. All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and to partake of the festivities and celebrations. A wonderful time was had by all. The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true.

A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a proposal: “I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can strengthen our marriage.” she offered. “Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together.”

The husband agreed. So each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other. They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they would go over their lists. “I’ll start,” offered the wife. She took out her list. It had many items on it. Enough to fill 3 pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Nothing” the husband replied, “keep reading your list.”

The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it. “Now, you read your list and then we’ll talk about the things on both of our lists.” She said happily.

Quietly the husband stated, “I don’t have anything on my list. I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don’t want you to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn’t want to try and change anything about you.”

The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.

IN LIFE, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed and annoyed. We don’t really have to go looking for them.

We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise...

Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or annoying things when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things before us?

'I believe that WE ARE HAPPIEST when we see and praise the good and try our best to forgo the mistakes of our loved one. Nobody’s perfect but we can find perfection in them to change the way we see them. It is necessary to understand the difficulties and be a helping hand to each other….
THAT BRIGHTENS THE RELATIONSHIP! '

We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge...

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever. Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.

Time Never Goes Back

I found this story which I think its pretty interesting. After reading, I could relate it to my life.

And I hope that I won't miss it again.

Once upon a time, there was a teacher and his student lying down under a big tree near a big grass area. Then, suddenly, the student asked the teacher...

Student : Teacher, I'm confused, how can we find our soul-mate? Can you please help me?

Teacher : (Silent for few second, then he answer) Well, it's a pretty hard and easy question.

Student : (Thinking hard) Huh???

Teacher : Look on that way, there are a lot of grass there, why don't you walk there but please never walk backward, just walk straight ahead. On your way, try to find a beautiful grass and pick it up then give it to me. But just one.

Student : Well, ok then... wait for me... (walked straight ahead to the grass field).

A few minutes later...

Student : I'm back.

Teacher : Em, well I don't see any beautiful grass on your hand.

Student : On my journey, I found few beautiful grass, but I thought that I would find a better one, so I didn't pick it up. But I didn't realize that I'm at the end of the field, and I hadn't picked up any. Cause you told me not to go back, so I didn't go back.

Teacher : That's what happened in real life.

What is the message of this story?

* Grass - is people around you
* Beautiful Grass - is people that attract you
* Grass Field - is time

* In looking for your soulmate, please don't always compare and hope that there will be a better one. By doing that, you'll waste your lifetime, cause remember "Time Never Goes Back".

It applies the same in finding your ideal life partner, your suitable career or business, therefore the morale is LOVE & grab hold of the opportunity that you have now, don't waste time!

...There Can Be Only One...

it's been a while Hidden

since I've dreamed of him like that.
I don't know what to make of it.
I always knew I loved him.
I miss being close to him.
Most definitely close.
That heavy feeling inside my heart,
He triggered it again.
It's been so long since I felt that way.
I miss it so much.
Seeing him.
and I miss us.
I miss myself being in love with him..
I miss being held.
I miss holding his hands, just being next to him.
Should I just dust it off and let it go.
Or does this mean something more?
I'm so scared of feeling this way again,
I don't know if I can handle this feeling
Actually I already began, I'm trying to fight it off.
But somehow, it's taking the best of me.
To the point it's in my dreams?
It's obviously something I've been thinking about alot lately.
Everything that's going on around me somewhat revolves around it.
Is God telling me something??
Am I not listening?
What does God tell me?
What does my heart tell me?
I feel guilty for the most part.
Like I betrayed us.
I felt like I cheated on him.
If he knew, he would be so hurt.
I don't want that.
If he knew how stupid I was, or how imperfect I am.
or how ugly I am from the inside
He wouldn't want anything to do with me.
If he knew.. I'd be the one devastated.
I wish I can talk to him.
to know how he feels.
I wish I can tell him things I kept inside for so long.
things I don't even write but haunts me every effen day.
because I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't even bring myself, to even dare write out
what exactly happened that one night.
Things I have to live with on my own.
Not sharing the pain and guilt inside.
That was killing me for so long now.
Kept me from living my life.
I wish I can go back to days when I whole
I fell apart that one december night
and I never actually recovered.
I live with it day in and day out.
It's part of me, even though I don't like it
I'll just have to deal with it and move on.
let go all of it.
[2.10.09]

It's been a while

Sheesh Van.....
I gotta move on.
all this non-sense of my emotions getting the best of me
I can't let it rule my life
I have to take control
I have to think with my head, not my heart
I know better than to fall back into that pattern
It's like that dream I had years ago.
I know he doesn't love me now
and he never will.
I gotta face that fact and move on
and not make any excuses for him anymore.
There's someone else for me in my future.
He will love me and make me happy.
I just know it, I just have to fight through this feeling.
I must have hope. That love will come again.
Pray and be patient for that day to come.
When the time is right, the love of my life will be with me.

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Well, I don't know why I didn't read this book earlier. But I can relate to so many things in this book... it's freaking me out! Anh Hung told me to read this book a long time ago. Back when I was still at Delgado. Why didn't I listen to him? No wonder he lives his life the way he does. Fortunately, things happens for a reason and I couldn't appreciate it more that this landed in my life at this exact moment. I really needed this book. It gives me a sense of what I'm up for in my adulthood. I revamping my plans now. I just realized that I'm single and I will be single for quite sometime. Even if I have a new boyfriend soon, my tax paper work will still be filed as a single independent. And single girls like me will have to put out alot of money for the government. There's no way around it. Unless I get married and file with a spouse and some kids for dependents. I'm dreading to pay taxes, but I know Ihave to hurry up and pay off my school loans and credit cards bills. I also planned to give my mom allowance too. Because I love her and because she loves me. I know now I'm pretty much an asset to my parents. My dad said he would let me live in one of his houses... or maybe he was just joking, but I think it's much smarter to keep it up for rent and not sell it unless we're really feeling the pressure of the financial crisis. I really don't mind the paperwork and calling and being a bitch to the tenants while my dad plays the nice owner role. I never knew my parents were teaching me things I'm reading in this book already. I used to think I was just helping them out, but in truth they were helping me with my future and how I handle paperwork and business with people. Whoa, I better cool it with the bitchiness. I can never forget that time I bitched out someone over the phone and made my parents burst out laughing. I was just trying to get those people to know that vietnemese people are not pushovers. I now understand why Anh Hung owns so much apartment complexes and his store has extra space for new ideas he doesn't have money for yet. I think I will move over to Lafayette afterall. I really do need to get out of this town and it's haunting memories. And I would love to be nearer to my god-daughter and that cardiovascular institute is looking more appealing than anything now. But I still have to really think about it. I've been very bored with echo. And I know I can do respiratory, no problem. It's quite laid back and I can invest my free time into real business. And since I'm paying tuition and pretty much took out loans for my education, I should take advantage of it all and obtain everything it has to offer. I'm still young and I can do anything if I just put my mind into it. I'm really glad Ngoc talked to me about this book. I hope Richard reads it and pertain to his life also. I want Ngoc to be happy and be well taken care of. I can't wait to go back to Barnes tomorrow and finish reading this book. I have a quiz on Wednesday to study for too. I love it when Darrin let's me go early I hope he lets me go again tomorrow. I love going to Barnes and read. I have to pack gym clothes for tomorrow cause I have a date with Glenn to help me with my butt workouts.

Dancing

So, I slept most of the day and tried to get back my energy from all the dancing and working out. I think I lost two more pounds after this weekend. But then I've been drinking alcohol too and that may have a negative effect. I went to wal-mart tonight after I scrubbed the bathroom and got ready for tomorrow's lunch and such. I wanted to keep busy to keep my mind off things. Hopefully clinicals doesn't bore me tomorrow.

I can't believe it. I finally went out and danced my head off two nights in a row. I went to a gay bar and then clubbing the night after. I didn't planned it or anything. It was "spur of the moment" kind of descions, which are the best ones! I miss dancing. And good thing I've been doing Yoga so it helped me get back into it pretty easily. I haven't danced like that in years. I think the last time I danced like that was maybe the convent days. I think I got the gist of dancing at a very young age. I find out alot of things about myself that I never shared to anyone but only the convent girls knew. They were there when I realized it myself. I love dancing! And I'm a little ghetto. I'm really a black girl on the inside. I love to dance with my butt and boobs. And after this weekend, I don't have to control it all in anymore. I danced my heart out and it was a blast. I also got to see alot of familiar faces at the club too. I guessing they didn't think I would dance like that. I don't think they knew it was my first time dancing in front of them like that. But whatever, I know it's not a big deal to them. But I had so much fun. I'll never forget it! I'm glad I finally let go a little more in front of my friends and trusted them a little more. Especially with him there too. If anything, he's the only person I can trust myself around with more than anyone else. But in the end, it's all on me. If anything bad or sad ever happens to me, I can handle the consequences or pain it comes with. I have to trust myself to get over it and deal with it and move on.

Sunday Epiphany

I just realized the pain in my life that Jesus warned me about two weeks ago. As I sat in the pew at the back of the church during mass this morning. I thought about my weekend... and it was one hell of a weekend, but there was only one thing that was on my mind. The second I gave into my past, the things I hoped faded away, it comes again. I had to quickly hold back my tears from falling. I can't handle the intense sadness. I thought I was going to be okay but the more I think about him and our past I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. I hate this feeling, when I thought I was over him, but suddenly, I'm back at square one. Missing him... can't think of anything else but him.... frustratingly it was just like the old days. Why do I always fall back into this state of mind. I love him but I can't be with him. I wish I can go away from it all because it's all hopelessness and failure and misery. All our memories we had rushed back into me.. and all the things that's been going in his life I'm not part of right now. The could have been, would have been, should have beens hitting me one by one. This line we created to not be friends just makes me furious. ugh. I don't even know what to write anymore. I give up. I surrender. Jesus pull me out of this misery.

And there's something else I'm so freaking worried about. I've been spotting for a whole week now. And I think it's because of my workout and diet ever since I joined the gym. I guess the stress I put on my body physically is changing more than I thought. This spotting never happened before and freaking lasting for a whole week?! This change has to be the result of a bigger change. and the only thing I can think of is the change in my diet and exercise.

Solid Weekend

So, I'm like on my period, but kinda not on it. I've been spotting. And I think it's abnormal, because usually I am very normal with my cycles. It's less than 28 days since last time. But it ranges from 23-35 days so it's okay that I've spotted early right?! Maybe I'm just high on my ovulation this month. I have to go check it out. I got out of clinics early. I mean real early, 9:30am. I went to LSBME to pick up my license for Respiratory that was sent to me in December but somehow was not "claimed" so I had to go to the office myself and get it. I'm so glad I have it. I need to get a frame and put it on my wall. I'm so proud! It's my first real license! Well, except my driving license. This one is for professional work. I filled out an application to University. But not ready to turn it in yet. WHY?! Am I crazy?! yes. I don't know. I just wish I have my RRT. Which I need to study for. It's coming up very soon. Anyways, it was so cold walking downtown to the office today and it just so happens that there was a PJ's coffee right next to it. So I got me a small latte. No sugar just foamy skim milk. Which was great!!! Ummm.. Yummy yum yum! It was a real treat for me since I've been only drinking mostly water. I love it. What to do next?! Well, I've been meaning to wash my car but it's so cold outside lately. So, I went to treat my car to a nice car wash. I went to Safari and got the whole big package deal. They cleaned inside and outside of my car. I used my rebate credit card from my cell phone rebate to pay for it. It was a good idea. Since, my car was so freaking dirty and it's too cold!! Then afterwards I went to Barnes and Nobles! My favorite place to go to read and lounge around and simply be myself. My escape from the world. Guess what are the books I picked up to read, just to read?! "What to expect when you're expecting". I know I'm kind of lame to read such a book but I've been having this gut feeling that I want to have children, like really soon. After the news from last week about Theresa being pregnant. I couldn't help to have those feelings inside me surge up too. It made me cry but yet happy?! Like almost motherly. I wanted to be in her position. I want to get married and have kids too. But I don't even have a companion to do that with yet. But whatever, until that day comes when that person finds me and makes me happy. Which, by the way, there are a couple of movies coming out soon for Valentine's day. Such a great time for dating couples!! I'm jealous! and being single doesn't make it better. I just had to get a glimpse into the raving books that are now motion pictures. One called "He's not that into you." It's from Sex and the City and I watch the whole series on DVD and really loved it. It's a big chick flick thing. I just had to read it. It's so good. It gave alot of tips for me to deal with unwanted men in my life. Just in case, so I don't waste my time on worthless men in the future. And also, "Confession of a Shopaholic." I want to read that next. I also want to read "Rich Dad Poor Dad" which is recommended by my brother in law a few years ago. I just haven't had time or thought about it much until I saw it on the table today under finance. I'm still trying to finish "He's not into you" which is soon because it's not too thick compared to the Twilight novels or Harry Potter. Which I need to finish reading too. It's just hard because I got an online PDF file of that book and I forgot what page I'm on. Anyways, I'm going to the gym in a few minutes. Yoga class today and I need to fulfill my three day minimum at the gym each week. I also have a birthday dinner for another old frined of mines. It's her 24th Bday and I miss her so much. I wonder why we just slowly grow distant. But when I see her tomorrow, things will be okay again. It always do somehow. I'm also going to see my ex-boyfriend there too. Which I fear will be awkward to some degree. Especially when we know the same people. But it'll be okay. I hope it's not to weird. I've been trying to spend some time with old friends and catching up on things too. Oh yeah, good thing I went to the bookstore today. I just rememebered I have a DAT prep guidebook I can give to Xuan this Saturday when I meet her again for our Saturday workouts. It'll be good since I'm not going into that field anymore and I won't be using it. Then at night I'm going to BR with Ton to celebrate another friend's birthday. I wonder what they're eating since they usually go for sushi. That means I'll be eating sushi two nights in a row. High five to Omega threes! Oh by the way. I lost five pounds since I started the gym!!! Yippie! But it's getting harder and harder man. Let's stay focused!!! I need to keep on top of it!

Sore Throat

So Friday morning I woke up with a sore throat. It got worse since then. Yesterday I did preparation for Saturday's family dinner. I stick skewers through the marinated beef slices for shish-ka-bobs. Helped Vi make potatoe salad, BBQ chicken, and put on the dry rub onto the roast beef. I didn't go out to the fair but I drove out there to drop off and pick up my parents and little sisters. Then later on in the night, I went to my cousin house to play a little Bo-Cua. I didn't play... just watched people play mostly. And called it a night. I woke up in the middle of the night from dry throat. it stung... so i drank water and went back to sleep. Today, when I first woke up, I was coughing up a storm. My throat hurted even more. I took some halls to soothe the pain. I went to the gym today. I dropped off Anna and Monica off at the mall too.
I met an old friend at the gym! It was Xuan. I haven't seen here since confirmation! We talked and catched up alot. She worksout at the gym every Saturday. So I'll see her next week again. It's nice having new workout buddies. Then as Xuan and I walked out, I asked about the chiropractor services at the gym for her. And the guy answered us and also introduce us a new family plan going on at the gym. I kinda shrugged it off my shoulders as me and Xuan went on our way. I picked up Anna and Monica at the mall and told her to call the personal trainer named Glenn about the deal going on. And he asked us to come back to sign some paper work. One thing led to another and I ended up signing up two people and got a free sessions with a personal trainer. I gotta tell Xuan next week. I went home showered and started setting up for the night. The kids came over and the party started! we ate so much food. The best was the crawfish! and my Shish-ka-bobs were killed. Only one plate left before the kids came over. They had to stop eating it to save it for them. The family except Kayla, my mom, and I stayed home from the fair. I was sick and didn't want to get worse from being in the cold. But unfortunately, Kayla was so scared of me and mom. She cried so much, I think it's because of stranger anxiety. also strange house. It wasn't working out so we called the parents to come home and they did. The enjoyed their little time out there. My throat still itches and hurts when I cough, gotta take another cold and flu pill. Night Night.