my heart

I love my mom and dad. They've given me so much. more than anyone has ever given me. Why am I crying over a stupid guy like liem who's given me shit. He treat me bad. I should be crying over every day that my mom and dad has left in this world with me. They're getting old, and I owe it to them to make them happy. I'm going to finish school and make something out of myself. They've given me everything. My new 2007 white Camry, a king sized temper pedic bed, my car insurance, my blackberry, my teeth, my education, they raised me to be a good person, they given me my life. I have so much to be happy for.Thanks you Jesus. For everything. I'm okay... I love you, I love my mom and dad, I love my family, and I love myself. *deep breath* I'm okay. It's okay.

I decided, this christmas, I will make a gift of myself to jesus. i love him and he's always been there for me, when I needed him the most, in my weakest moments, no matter how bad I make mistakes, He still loves me and Forgives me. I'm taking this time to replinish my soul, and no matter how many bad things I've done, I still can turn back around and forgive myself and love myself, because jesus loves me. Jesus Loves Me!!!! He's blessed me with so many things. And I'm so grateful! I love you Jesus!!! I Love you. I'm sorry i turned away from you, I'm sorry I blocked you out of my life. I'm sorry, I'm a sinner. Please help me. to face the devil and evil spirits of the world. Please help me overcome human weaknesses. Please help turn back around and love you the right way. help me to love myself the right way.

Heartbroken

Somedays you're strong, but there are days when you hurt like hell and want to die. Best thing to that feeling is crying so much I can drown in my tears. I think I love to feel heartbroken. It makes me feel better for breaking up with my boyfriend. And I need this pain to punish myself for what I did. I am to blame for all my shortcomings. People make mistakes, and people learn from them. I'm one of those who learn things the hard way. And I must deal with the consequences. I hate myself so much right now. I'm so hurt. I told myself I won't let him hurt me anymore. But it's hurting me so badly. Oh, my heartaches so much. Like this heavy heart that wants to shed its own tears. When I think about him and how sad he must be, that even hurts more. I love him so much. how can I go on like this. How will he go on. I need him so much. I need him to hold on to me tight as possible and tell me he loves me. I knwo I can only block this sadness feeling for so long. I know this will come and haunt me one day or later. So I'm going to cry so bad that I will have the puffiest eyes ever. and Who cares. I can use stressing out for finals as a good excuse. I'm so sad. It's unbearable. It harder to breath when this pain lingers on for a long time in your throat. Shit Fuck Fuck FUck... it hurts. my nose is so stuffy I can sneeze up a storm. I have snot everywhere on my pillows. how am I even typing this?? I don't know. I'm so sad it's crazy. If he's not thinking about me, it's sad, if he is thinking about me, it's also sad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like dying. I want to die right now. I'm so depressed. I know I sound crazy right now, but i need to let it all out as much as possible. Fuck!!! I hate this feeling. I knew it. I knew it. I shouldn't have never started this relationship again. It hurts so damn much when we break up. Fuck! Liem, I love you so much. It hurts like hell. Someone just kill me already. Maybe if i stop breathing through my mouth cause my nose is so stuffed up and can stop breathing. That won't happen, my brain will just tell me to breath again.
Okay, I'm Okay. *sigh* I'm so sorry for everything. Can't we just kiss and make up? It'll make all things better. I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do either. I'm so heartbroken. I don't trust mysef anymore. everything I do is wrong. It's one mistake to the next and to the next. How can I do this again?! This is going to take me years. Possibly never.

Plans

It's amazing how much I've grown and learned in such a short period of time. And I'm still learning more! This is what I wrote ten days ago. Who would've thought I'd be here making adult decisions. Decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I'm doing pretty well. I think. Just broke up with my boyfriend whom I still love. I probaly should be the saddest girl. But i'm okay. I'm not at my greatest, but I'm doing better than I thougth I would. He does consume my thoughts alot, but eventually he will fade away, in time. I need time for myself. Yeah, that's what I will do. At least my heart doesn't ache anymore. I got my heart back. He doesn't hurt it anymore. I won't let him. It's just my mind... and its memories. And the "could have beens" this christmas will past too. As long as I get through this christmas... no more wondering about the what ifs. because it didn't and won't. I still have some hope... but it'll die out soon. I'm going to stop believing in us. Stop loving him. And stop thinking about him. Oh yeah, the New York trip got cancelled. maybe another time.

November 28, 2007 (myspace)
I think I'm going to stay single for a while. When i graduate. i think i want to move away from my family and try to live on my own. I think I want to go to houston. I heard from lsu alumi's that they make good money over there working as an RT. And i can get an apartment, maybe live with some girl friends i have over there like Julie or Trang. they're great and i lived with them before. I can help support them if they need to finish school or do whateveer they need. I have family over there too. my cousin huggies lives with her older brother while going to school for dental hygiene. but i migth not want to live with them though. i want to be on my own. this is just a thought for the next two years or so. gives me a new outlook on life. see what i want to do for the rest of my life. I think it'll give me a chance to get away from my family here in NO. I've been letting them influence my way of thinking. I just need to get away from them, after i graduate of course. They probably will not understand and be mad. but I think i'll be old enough to do my own thing and make my own choices. since i'll be single, no one is going to influence me but myself. any decision i make will totally on my own. no regrets. just moving along. i need to get away from new orleans too... see the world a little bit more. been thinking about going on that new york trip with linda and thao-vi fro the holidays. I think i might go. I'm going back to work right after finals and taking more hours to help Sarah out at smoothie king. and the money would be spent on the trip. i just went to the dentist tuesday and she fixed my teeth. =) it's very pretty! so since i'm not with liem anymore. I gotta think differently, for my own now. not for us anymore. I know we had plans together.. but it's not going to happen. we had our differences and couldn't make things work out. Things change and it will keep changing. It'll take time for me to get over him again. but eventually i will.

Just Thinking

I can imagine me and my ex being just friends. Although he may feel uncomforatble by it because he loves me so much, and can't bare to be with me, and yet not be with me. I just want to be with him, in a relationship with him or not. Just to ask him how he's doing what he's been up to. Just enjoy each other's company. I mean the love that we shared can't become obsolete that quickly. We owe it to each other to be at least be friends. I know we do care for each other. I mean, I'd want that. So we can't work out the relationship, but we can still have fun just being friends. We'd still have our moments too. Maybe, in the relationship, we were too serious too fast. We wanted to go slow, but heck, we really liked each other too much. Sometimes, I felt very tempted to rush into things. I guess that hurted me and him too. All this over analyzing and serious talk got us over our heads. we forgot to chill out and just enjoy being together. But we can't be naive and ignore the doubts and uneasiness that is under our skin. We know we're two different people. I'm proud that we even came together and tried to work things out. It was great while it lasted. We had things in common too. We had our moments and happy times. Those are the memories that is killing me now. Looking towards my future kills me too . So many more chances to make more memories, but now we can't. I can't help that he's all I still think about. I knew that I would terribly miss him. I know it'll be hard to be without him. I don't have much to look forward to, especially this time of year. It's so sad. alone fro christmas, when just a few weeks ago I had so much planned. Now all my christams plans is ruined. I'm doing it with someone else. Someone I don't know or trust or feel anything for. Why?! why didn't he even stop me! It's not right, he's not going to put up a fight for me, not now, not ever. He knows I don't like this guy. maybe I shouldn't have tested him then either. I have to deal with the consequences now. It's okay, I'm going to be strong and go through with it anyway. I think this would be a good time for me to chill out before school starts again. I won't have a long break again until next christmas. *sigh* This has been another saddest and depressing moment of my life. This will probably last for a very long time. but I will still live on. So, don't worry too much, I'm still alive, I'll do fine. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Some people, after a break up, just somehow do become stronger. It's inside you, a force that you need to make yourself feel better. Since your ex has brought you down so much, you got to pull yourself up. maybe there is a little competitiveness to it also. Some may think it's silly that we're trying to out do our ex, but maybe you need that driving force to live on without your ex. I want to prove to myself that the choice I made is right. I do deserve better. I don't need a boyfriend who makes me feel bad about myself. He made me feel as if I'm not good enough or too good for him and that it's bad. I don't understand and know him well enough. well, he doesn't know me that well either. I'm a woman, I'd fight for what I want. Yeah, I tested him, but that's life. I have to know what I'm getting myself into. I do trust liem, but I trust me more. You can't blame me for doing what I did. I had to do what I had to do. I know now that he can let go of me. he'll just give up on me when it's hard. he said our relationship is to impaired to fix anymore. That we've tried already and that it won't work out. I felt so sad, I'm not good enough for him to do that for. I'm not the one for him. No matter how much he think he loves he doesn't. I can't be mad at him for that, he never did say he love me. And I'm grateful he never use those words loosely. But actions are stronger than words. he never got me roses. and that's the easiest thing you can do to make a girl happy and forget about everything else. That's like the most obvious thing you can do. Shwo her that you care enough to go get roses and look like a fool, a sweet fool for her. I know that if Liem doesn't want good things for me now, he won't think I deserve those good things later in life. He will deprive me of it. His pride and ego are much more important. He won't let it down to show his woman that he cares. He's too higly of himself to give a damn about me. He doesn't want nice things for me. and youknwo what else, he doesn't let me buy those things for him also. I got him a decent gift last year. It's not expensive but I put alot of effort to run around and find the best deal. and I was so mad he didn't want it, and I had to try so hard until he finally took it. He did the same shit this year with the aphelion tickets. Sigh* you can't change a man for nothing. it's his ego. And I'm being the bad person for bringing him down for being that. Man... I don't know what to do, I just want him to have good things too. I love him. So I stop expecting alot. I down played a few things. Try to think like he does to understand him. I try to do things differently and want less but I can't help it. I am who I am. But if he changes me into something I'm not, in the end I'm the person who's going to unhappy. I know he loves me and tells me all the time how special I am to him. How happy I make him. And I'm happy that I do. But what about me. I want so much, but he pulls away, he's have pretty good explanations or excuses that I can't complain about. And I didn't say anything. But sorry, I'm complaining now, I'm a woman. I can't forget that. I was losing myself in this relationship, maybe I was too into it. Too serious and wanted so much for it too work. I beleived in my heart it was the right thing to do. But Love is blind. You do crazy things. Like keep silent when you should've spoken up. I won't stay silent to make him feel better anymore. I need to speak up for myself and fight for what I want. I want a man. and If he's not man enough for me, than so be it. I gave Liem enough chances to be that man. If i were to stay silent now, I would've been a silent wife if we lasted that long. A sadly silent wife who thinks she's happy because her love was more important than herself. No, I am important! and if a man doesn't understand that, he's not a worthy man of this woman.

Second Love

With the same person as my first. There's only one great love in one's person's life. I think I'm done with it. I'm moving on. He doesn't want me. and I don't want him either. I thought I was simple enough, but I guess my enough doesn't cut for him either. I know He loves me though, and would never cheat on me. I know he has my best interest at heart. But I need a man, who think for himself too. I want him to want to do things for me, not because I want him to. I don't want to control his feelings. I can't... then I'd be lying to myself. I need him to show me his feelings, because he has it deep down inside, not because I bring it out of him. Because I want him to be happy, to see for himself that he's capable of such things. Being a man, being in love, and being happy. I'm sorry he never felt that way with me. I really can't help it. I'm sorry I wasted all his time when he could have found that person to do such things with. I'm sorry that he wasted any feelings for me. I'm sorry I had to put him through what I did at the end. to test him. I just really needed to know if he loves me. And I'm sorry he doesn't. Even though he says he does feel it, but I guess it's not strong enough to stay with me, be with me, and love me. I don't know how he feels. I really can't feel it. There's no spark, or fire, or the oompf that was there before. I need to know he's with me. So i can be sure, I'm not standing alone. But I am alone. I feel sad about it, but at least I know for sure, I have to move on if he's not with me. If he still has feelings for me. He better be man enough to show it. I don't want him to hide it, thinking that's it the best for me. I don't want him to give it up, thinking it's the best for me. I don't want him to let me go, thinking it's the best for me. If I know my man knows what is best for him. I'd feel confident about being in the relationship with him. If he knows that I'm what's best for him, than he knows what I'm worth. and yes, I know I'm worth it baby! He gave me the best break up too. well, our last talk was the saddest, but sweet also. Bittersweetness Breakup. we had our last talk. even if we try to work things out, he doesn't want to anymore, it's too hard. He said it's too impaired to be fixed. I'm not worth it to him. But our relationship meant so much to me. But If i do reall ylove him, I'd have to let him go. I couldn't walk away from him, leaving as he look at me walk away. Because I really don't want to do that. I told him to go to the bathroom so that I can leave. I just couldn't stand the thought of me walking out of his life. So we both left out there together. It was the last time he's going to treat me to puccinno's. last time holding the door for me, and walking me to my car. I was stillgetting to knwo him, and he was still getting to know at that moment. Yeah, we learn about each other during our break up too. I know what he wanted. I kind of knew I wasn't right for him either, but I also knew he loves me. He a very simple nice guy. but sometimes an asshole too. it was great having a relationship with him. He'll get better at it too. Sucks for me, because I did most of the owrk for the next girl... who'll profit more than I would. I wish I can still be friends with him. He's such a great guy. I'm sorry to be selfish, but I do want him all to myself. But the best thing is to let him go now. I telll myself that everyday. I need to know I'm not making a mistake, or at least this is the only thing, or the best thing i can do right now, for the both of us. It'll just be heartache and sadness if we stayed together.

Dreadful December

I had so much planned for this month. This is my longest break until next year December. I don't really have a summer break or a spring break for that matter. Why do I dread it. Because I broke up with my boyfriend. There was so much I wanted to do with him this year that will make it a memorable year. I wanted to share special moments doing little things with him. I never actually been to Celebration in the Oaks. And this will be my first Cirque Du Soleil show also. And the person I'm going with to the show now.... *sigh* I have no idea if I will enjoy myself. I wish I can still go with my ex or something. At least I'd feel more comfortable. But I can't, we are going to move on and that's life. It's going to be hard on both of us if we prolong it. We have to stop seeing each other; and It's only for the best. I really do love him, but I don't think I will ever be as happy as I should be. I've been waiting and waiting for him to show me his heart. I know he wanted to do things for me, but not hard enough to actually do it for me. I understand we're both students and not stable yet. and we don't know how to date. But we can at least try. We need to be more aware of ourselves so that we can treat each other better. I know there are somethings I shouldn't have done on my part to him. But I have to, I need to know what I'm getting myself into. And If i should go on with it or not. And to my disappointment and somewhat relief, I have to let him go. I should have broken up a long time ago. But I knew there had to be something more, But in reality, it's not. He won't change. I don't want him to change who he is. I just want him to be a better boyfriend, make me feel special, So I don't have to try as hard to make it work. We both did tried a little too hard. Maybe that's what happened to us. We both wanted to work things out so much that it got overwhelming. It's too hard. I hope I can find someone who can make me happy. That I don't have to think twice about it or three or four times about being happy, because it naturally does. I guess I blind myself and told myself I was happy because It's the natural thing, but then I tried too hard to be that happy. And I shouldn't. I had so much hope for me and my ex. Given him so any chances. I'm not a hard person. He was just too careful and protective of himself that he doesn't trust me, love me. Dating should like the best time in a relationship, once you get married, it's even harder to make things work. and if it's this hard to make a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to work, we might end up in divorce or something. Some may think marriage gets better, But I think it gets harder. beside from that, it's the beginning that makes you do things. A drive, a spark, a sudden burst of hopeful feeling that can last. We just gotta keep it alive to remind us the good things about being in a relationship and strive through the hard parts together, like through marriage. If i don't have that, I don't feel a reason to keep on going. I was hopeful when he told me as a heads up that there are times when it is better and times when it won't, But I don't feel the better. Maybe he thought it was good enough, but it didn't cut it for me. Sure, good enough is okay, but why stay there when things can be better? I can make it better than he can imagine, but he won't let me. And he won't make it better because of his situation. I don't want to make him feel bad for it, maybe we're just imcompatible. Situation or not, when there's a will there's a way. I'm a freaking broke student too, but I try to work and make effort to do things for him. Now, the tickets I put my effort into getting for him is wasted for a my-trang guy. Urgh* I don't even like this my-trang guy. I hope this my-trang guy doesn't read this, but I'm not into him. he just seem like a very nice friend. a little too easy to use. I warned him already. But he's getting a free ticket to a show, so who cares. I don't care anymore. I don't want to start dating again, not for a very long time. Maybe after I graduate. If i were to stay with Liem, can i do it? sure, why not. But I want to be happier. I don't think Liem can do that, he seem too careful and tight with his money. he said it's because I judge him for being poor, but that's not it. It's his personality. He's careful about spending, even for someone he loves. In the relationship, we made a pact on what to do with our christmas presents this year. that's somewhat controling. If I do get married to him I would have to agree and go along with him. He has this logical way of thinking that we can't spend money because of our financial situation. I understand that, I really do. But we're not married. and dating is dating, we don't have kids to support. Man, if I were to marry him, he can control my money too, and I'm a spender. I'm cheap too but not afraid to spend when need be. I'm a woman, I need to treat myself. What's the pleasure of life when you don't spend the moeny you work so hard for. but he's tight all the time. he doesn't know it though. he says it's because of his financial situation and past experiences with money that made him very careful. His family is like that though. So it's not too surprising. That brings up another thing, our families are different. I'm glad to have sisters to support me and want the best for me. They are not thinking for me, they just know me really well, they knew I can be happier, and they don't understand why I'm tormenting myself to be with him. When I'm much happier, even if I'm single. They knew I could do better and I should just break up with Liem since last year. But I gave liem another chance. give him some time to treat me better, get to know me. He think it got better, but it's still the same. You gotta treat your girlfriend nice man, if you want to keep her around. don't make her feel less important or not good enough for you to do things for her. and don't let her be deprived of showing her feelings too. I know I shouldn't have picked up the bill several times, but that's how i'd treat my bf, the same way he should treat me. I know he both are students and both work hard for our money, so out of courtesy, I pay sometimes, and I really don't mind. But he gotta aprreciate that I even do that. He gotta be the Man! The man have to be the better person and out do things a little for his lady. he didn't for me. I feel like more of a man in the relationship. And funny thing is, I didn't even do much. I could have done more, but I don't want to make him feel behind or less than a man that he is. I treat myself less for him, I didn't go to the mall often. I try to plan trips or go on big events, but I want him to do it first. To make the initial move. But he didn't. I lowered my expectations alot for him. I put some standards down, but even that is a little too high. And I'm worth more than that. I'm a great person, quite adaptable too I might add. I can endure alot of things. *sigh* I can't believe he even made me cry. and this is when we were still in the relationship! I want to be happy, umm... and happier too. Yes I am happy that I'm with him and that we're together trying make things work. but I need more. I need love and compassion, I need laughter and comfort, I need support and trust, I need to know what i'm fighting for and if he's up for the challenge too. I want an ambitious man who's hardworking and fight for what he wants. and what he wants better includes me. No excuses! He's a businessman right?! well, I'm a good investment to his future years and I can benefit from him too. What's so worng in that?! Sure you can be careful , but it takes risks to make the real profit. LOL. stupid analysis but anyways, I'm moving on.

The night you made me CRY!

Tonight you made me so scared. You made me feel what I dreaded to feel. The painful sadness that overwhelms your heart when the person you love says they don’t love you and that they can never find themselves loving you. It’s the saddest thing in the world. You questioned my love for you. Do you know how demeaning that is?! I thought you trusted me and know me a little bit better. But it’s okay. If you need to put me on the spot and know for sure. Than you gotta do it.

Been Busy

During the last few weeks I've been so busy with school, work, clinicals, exams, and just regular errands around the house. I'm so tired! I hate school. But this is the last four weeks of the semester. We're finishing off clinicals and presenting case studies on a patient we choose to talk about. I have to talk about their signs and symptoms. What they're diagnosed with and treatment of the patient. I think I'm going to choose an easy one like asthma or something.

Clinicals are okay. Been exposed to alot of things. Learn alot of things and there's still more to learn. Sigh. I'm tired. I think I need to quit Smoothie King so I can really focus on school. But I need to save up to pay off my dental bills and also save up for christmas. My family knows not to expect alot from me this year, so yeah. I think it was a good idea me and my boyfriend made a pact last year abotu gift giving. We said that we are going to buy presents not for each other, but for TOTS or something. I think he's sweet and all, but I want to get something for him to show I care. But I guess by followign through with our pact will be good right?! I really didn't liek it at first, but somehow.. It's funny that everything happens for a reason.

Okay, I really need to go to sleep now. Night Night!

September Ends

Whoa, this month has come and gone by so fast!! I was so busy with school! Everyweek there's a test or exam coming up to study for. Next month will be diferent. We've been craming the last two months to study for our clinicals.... which starts in two weeks!!! We got Respiratory Fundamentals done in two months!!! Ahh!!! I can't believe they did that to us. Well, we kinda did alot this past summer too. There's so much to learn and so little time!!!! I'm so scared of clinicals!!! Am I ready for it?!!?!? Am I?!?!?! Ahhh!!!! So, we're doing clinicals but also..... we have to continue our other courses too. Like Pharmacology and Cardiopulmonary Physiology and Critical Care Concepts. Wish me luck!! Be back next month to update. By the way, I got a stethescope!!! It's so cool! I feel like a doctor!! LOL. And YES! I will use it on patients!!! And do therapy too!! Coolness huh?!?! I'm so excited. Can't believe that it's happening.

Classic Ones

There's a reason why I'm not into Pharmacy as many of my friends are. Cause Damn!! It's so much information! I'm only taking a general pharmacology course and I'm trying to catch up on the drugs already. I know it's basically memorization to pass it, but to truly understand it, uh.... you might as well become a medical doctor. I only have to know some of the drugs that's related to my field of work and I'm already complaining, but to know all of it.... How can you manage?!?! For those who are going into Pharmacy School, Good Luck! It's a pretty good field if you're interested in it. It's probably so much more interesting to yal than it is to me so don't give up! There's alot of biology/chemistry concepts and yes, marketing and law too!! It's more like a business field career than a medical career to me. Keeping up with all the new names and different new derivatives of a new drug. Also, having to deal with the FDA finding major side effects with the new drug. Ugh!!
Man, I'd feel guilty of giving out those drugs in the first place. It's too complicated for me. I know people learn from their mistakes and they'll try to fix it. But it shouldn't happen in the first place. I know you see those commercials on TV about drugs and lawsuits. Rosiglitazone (Avandia) is one.
So, here's a good tip: You rather be safe than sorry. So if you ever need drugs, stick to the classic ones. All the new ones are just out there to make money! Once in a very long time, they'll discover a good drug, but never the miracle drug. I know penicillin is a good old classic, it was known as the miracle drug once upon a time. But now, it's just an antibacterial. There's so much viruses in the world right now that there's not a good drug to fight against it all. The world is just gonna eat us all up!!! Ahhh!!! just kidding.. we're adaptable.
Anyways, it's not like the pharmacists write the perscriptions!! They just fill it, The doctors make the orders... So it won't be entirely the pharmacist's responsibilty. So take it easy. Just a little encouragement to future Pharmacists!! and Pharamaceutical reps too!! Don't give up... I feel for yal! Who knows, yal might find a cure for AIDS or cancer. =)
As for me, I hope I don't fail out of school right now. I wanna start buying a house and invest some money for my retirement. And then go to peace-corps with my hunny. LOL! i'll just keep dreaming (and studying...) hhahaha.. we'll see.

Til next time my dears, Van.
Comments disabled, Sign the guestbook! =)

My August

Hmmmm.. how can I do this?! how can I write about something that I shouldn't write about but dying to write it so I can remember the sweetest moments of my life?! Oh, Nevermind. These are the moments I'm going to be greedy with and never to share with the world. Besides, it's best if I only share with the person I really care about anyways. And it may be something no one wants to read about... but me. Man, I feel like screaming on the top of my lungs to world about it and describe every little detail of the things that happened!!! So that I can never forget these moments. The time when I was young and discovering new things about myself that I couldn't ever imagined. I'm hopelessly in love with the boy I've always dreamt about in all my dreams. All the fantasies I always wanted are slowly and sweetly coming true. Though I am kinda impatient... but it is true, the best things comes to those who wait. And I'm not as scared and nervous as I thought I would be but there's always a first to everything. He makes me insanely crazy but so blissfully happy. I don't know, I'm really out of my mind. All these feelings and sensation going through my body and I'm not even having sex or anything. I almost wanted to die in his arms. Okay I think that's enough.

7/25/2007

11:58 PM 7/24/2007
I'm getting bored with school. It's so not interesting anymore. What's up with all this renal and Gi stuff?! Bagby and shepherd aren't good at leacturing abouttheese stuff, Since I'm so used to Dr. Mcdonough and Pellett explaining things in great detail... that when it gets to their stuff... It's complicated. I wonder how will i ever do good on the test this friday. I have three days by the way and i also the final on monday. And then anatomy on wednesday. Fuck! I' can't believe I didn't call Hoa back. Liem needed me to pick him up from metaire. By the way, how did he got over there in the first place? Who knows, I feel bad, But he's home now. I didn't knwo i got three missed calls until late. I think i should turn back the sound of my phone after class. I hardly use my phone, unless i call thao-vi, home, or liem. Anyways. I shouldn't have put it on silence. No one called me anyway.
Goodnight, I'm sleeping early.12:03 AM 7/25/2007

Summer School

Just started my first semester at a new school. I gotta say it's hard but it's all good because I never studied so hard in my life; and I never learned so much in my life. I feel this school is challenging in a way that it's also encouraging me to go even further no matter how stressful it may be. I can't believe of how much my brain can retain in less than a month. I gotta say, dissecting cadavers really opened my eyes and mind to things I thought I never will have a chance of being exposed to. I mean, I can see the plaques in people arteries. Put my finger through the vavles in a human heart. Cracking and sawing bones. Well, just the sternum and ribs to get to the heart and lungs. Saw what's inside our belly. Rip up some guts and peeled off muscles with my hands! (gloves on of course) I learned how muscles work and I realized why it hurts so much when I do crunches, there's so many muscles running in different directions on your stomach! I learned all the branches of the lungs and removed the lung tissue from the branches, even the one with emphysema, it literally smells like cigarettes!! I saw a real ovary too with those finger like structures attaching to it called fimbriae. Just like you would see it in anatomy books. I can't believe I have those structures in my own body. And all the fat in your stomach!! Man, there's alot of fat!! And all the veins and arteries in your digestive system. It's like a whole new world. It's so interesting! Some had pacemakers in their heart. Some had bypass surgery, some more than once. It's amazing how each cadaver died of different reasons. I had a chance to look at different hearts. Some are the size of your fist! and some that suffered from congested heart failure are humongous! What's amazing is that most of the cadavers have clogged arteries in the heart. Especially the artery that supply blood to the heart itself. I actually can squeeze the fat like it's a hard elongated rock stuck inside the little tube! I know I have my share of atherosclerosis too. So, down that chicken from popeye's! Just kidding. I mean, you gotta try to be healthy! I've been going to the gym again! Well, now that I don't have to be in that lab anymore I have time for running and do crunches. I don't miss those days in the lab, it smelled awful. Breathing formaldehyde and looking at dead people for a long time isn't my cup of tea. But it's worth it though. I learned so much! The time I've spent in there is wisely spent. Heck, I even sacrificed a few weekends to be in there studying. I can't believe I dissected human hearts, brains, lungs, abdominal and pelvic cavities. Learned some arteries, veins, and nerves. Looked at half heads and whole brains and skulls. It's amazing how our body is organized! And NO, I did NOT faint or barfed, although I did have moments of gagging. Surprisingly, according the teacher, all of the medical students did good this semester. None of us fainted and did well sucking it up and just do our job. I know, I'm kinda weird because I'm not scared of dead people and putting my hands in them. I can do it because I really want to learn and study it! Maybe watching those medical shows on the health discovery channel helped me adapt to it more easily.I'm still continuing my studies until the first week of August, that's when this semester ends. I'm taking pharmacology next semester. Heard it was hard too. But I can't wait. And clinical too of course. Can't wait to go see patients. Update more later. Have a nice summer everyone! =)

E-mailed my <3

Hunny, I'm a girl who's crazy about you. Just know I really care about you. I'm probably making a huge mistake by sharing my thoughts with you, cause you might be overwhelmed by it and think a lot about it. I don't want you to, because I'd be really freaking you out. And that’s the last thing I want to happen, you running away from me because I’m so freaking obsessed about you. But I’m not. Please don't be freaked out....I mean, there's so much more where all this came from. I'm full of love for you, and this is just part of it. Ever wonder how much a human can love another?! It's amazing how much my heart can do that. I think I kind of know how much Jesus loves us. I'm so happy you're in my life. I feel in my heart such joy that it gives my heart that heavy feeling. I think you know what I’m talking about huh? It kind of hurt, but this hurt is a good one. I can’t believe how much feelings my heart can have every time I think about you. I guess all the words in the world can’t explain certain things, and I can write on forever about love. The best thing I can do is to live my life with love, that’s the best way to explain it. I'll talk to you later.... *whew* finally... I think I’m done for tonight. I need to take a mental break. Goodnight.

E-mail My Heart

Hey Liem, You know what?! I feel so stupid for what I did today. I think my hormones was driving me today. LOL!! Or maybe It's really me. Who knows... I think I really do got the hots for you. Isn’t' that interesting?! I can't stop thinking about us. I think I need a break from you before I go crazy, dude... I think I’d die without you, and I'm usually not that dependent on you. Do you think I'm crazy?! Maybe huh? Oh the things you do to me and not even know it. I think we should break up so all these feelings will stop making me do crazy things. baby, I can trust you right? even though you said that I trust people too easily... you can see it huh? Maybe I shouldn't trust you either because you can be like them too. I hope not. You’re the only guy I can trust to a certain level, I trust no one completely but myself. But I’m slowly showing myself to you, there are some things I’d never tell my family about. Because I'm not as strong and smart as they want to think of me. I have flaws and blunders too. But that's not the best of me, you know that right? I think there's a quote by Marilynn Monroe that says "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." I think it's so true to every human being. Even you hunny. SO don't be discouraged to show me your flaws and blunders, because to me, it might be things I'll love most about you. I like it when you speak your mind to me, even when it seems like you're lecturing me. I guess that's how you talk to your friends... by "lecturing." Maybe you should become a teacher.. hehehe. Just kidding, I joke I joke. I guess its part of your personality. You seem so serious... and sometime it's misleading when you want to joke around. And I get you dear, I think you can be childish and funny, and sometimes mean too... but I like you anyway. Because I’m getting to know you better, and you're worth knowing.*winks* Can I get a kiss for sharing that thought?! I doubt it, since you're playing hard to get, and pretty well too I must say. But don't keep me waiting too long... I might feel inadequate in your eyes. Sometimes I feel not good enough for you, I know it's silly, but I can't help it. You’re so wonderful. I really like you. And if I really do, I’ll wait. And sorry about not knowing Hoa brother's name (Bore -spell??) I should have figured why his name is different. I have this impression that they're 100% Viet all this time. I didn't realize they're half Cambodian. I think I knew that from somewhere before. I felt so embarrassed that I didn't know. I know I'm not smart Liem, keep me in the light to know certain things okay?! I'm a quick learner. Just need to be notified, maybe more than once for some things. You'll get to know me better. I'm not the brightest person, but I’m learning. I do trust people too easily, but the Lord above protects me from evil. Man, I feel like I’m writing a journal. Should I send this to you?! Yeah... why not?! I don't know if you know, but when I write journals, it's either I'm writing to God or to you. Thoughts about you, I write to you. Things about my life... I write to god which includes you too anyways. hehehe... I told you one day I'll open up to you about what I was thinking that night when you were driving me home. I’ll attach it... so if you wanna read it, READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! You probably shouldn't know these things about me because you might think of me differently, but better know now then being held back in the dark right?! I think, for the most part it's good things. Things I'm slowly sharing with you. I don't want to keep it inside forever. What if I die and you'll never know?! That’ll be unfair and very heartbroken if you didn't know my thoughts about you. Sorry I’m writing so much. Ever wonder why I write journals?! So I can release all my thoughts and stop thinking about it. When I have it all down in a journal, and not in my head, I can focus on studying. I have so many thoughts right now that I need to vent all out so I can take a break from thinking about you and really start study for physiology. I can't believe I’m writing all this to you. Why didn't I write in my journal before this email to you? Anyways, I really need to focus on school. So I’ll be MIA from you for a while after this, plus that gives you some time to understand my journals. LOL. You probably think my thoughts run so easily from one thing to the next, which it does for the most part... but only the writer truly knows what she's talking about, the reader must analyze. hahahaha. Enjoy reading! I think you will, since it's about you anyway. I love you Liem, I’d tell you in person one day, and really mean it too, but for now, you can enjoy that thought through my journals. Goodnight! Sweet dreams. I think you probably read this while you're tutoring tomorrow. Sorry I started to write this after midnight and you're probably sleeping, try not to get too distracted by me okay?! Read this later after tutoring. I should put that as my title. Have a nice day Liem! I’m having second thoughts about sending this. Okay imma send it, I don't want to do the same things I did in the past and never share my thoughts with you.... for better or worse here it goes.

Summer Love

Yesterday, I had a great time with you. I think I told you I love you randomly twice last night. I don’t know where it came from. But I do speak what’s on my mind. It came from somewhere, inside. I tell Thao-Vi randomly that I love her sometimes. When I realized how much I miss her driving around with the van during the Florida trip, I told her I missed her. And she knows it too. Sometimes when she talks to me and tell me things I know are from her heart I tell her I love her, because she share those things with me and it’s sincere things. Sometimes it’s the simple things that make it the best moments of love. It was like that last night with me and you. You probably don’t even notice it, but you told me things that I can tell in my heart you were sincere and I’m glad that you shared it with me. I know how much I mean to you and it makes me happy. So, I couldn’t help but say I love you at that moment. It’s a habit I have with people I love that you don’t know about me yet. I know you’re happy that you’re with me. I understand what you mean about this summer you’ve accomplished a lot. There were things that you wanted to do a long time ago and it finally came true this year. This year has been different for me too. I guess we’re really happy that we’re finally together and actually having all our dreams and fantasy of having each other and growing in love or just having someone that understands come true. I guess being in a relationship is fun. We learn from each other and just simply enjoying each other’s company and sometimes having lovely moments of what it’s like to have a companion. That feeling of liking someone and they like you back and cares for you too is just wonderful. I know things happen that made us want to be apart, but we still stayed together. It makes it more worthwhile. My mom and dad are very strict on me, but you still want to be with me in spite of their feelings towards you. They still are strict, but somehow, it’s better now. We work our way around those things. As long we stay true to each other and trust each other, we can be happy with each other no matter what. Our relationship works for me. And I’m very happy in this relationship. I’m slowly showing myself to you, which I never done with anyone before, and I’m glad it’s you because I wanted to do that especially with you for a long time now. And I know you do too. I’m slowly getting to know you better and slowly trusting you with things I would never tell anyone, even my family. I can’t talk to my family about everything in my life right now. Being at our age; living in our world; being a couple; growing together and loving each other in this relationship in a way that’s different from family love is not easy. It’s hard living in this world, but having someone like you by my side make it easier and worthwhile. We’ve choose to be together and learn from each other; not like family where we naturally have to love our family members and understand for each other. So, our relationship is different and that makes it special. And having it makes me live my life in an enjoyable worthwhile fulfilling way. Sometimes I can sense it when I look at you; and what you’re thinking, and somehow I think you feel it from me too. Sometimes when you look at me and I look at you, and we’re so quiet and I don’t know what to say, and you don’t either, but the feelings we probably feel inside says it all. I’m glad you were trying to share your thoughts with me too. I can’t wait until next time I see you. I want to see you everyday. Because I love you so much. Maybe One day I’ll marry you and spend all the time I want with you, so then I don’t have to wait. I’m still waiting on my first kiss with you. So miserable without kissing you to death, so you know how many times I wanted you to kiss me? I find many moments where it’s so perfect to share a kiss with you, but we don’t!! Why!?!? I hope we can share more feelings, experiences, and more love with each other. It’s not like I want to have sex with you, I can’t wait for that either, but I want to share with you other things like first kiss, first make-out, first dance, first serenade (from you to me), first romantic date, first anniversary. Yesterday was the first time you bought me a shirt and first time sipping from the same cup from two straws like they do in movies. LOL! And you setting up my food and I think you took my hand to hold it. It was the first time we had a great double date with Hoa and Chino too. I was more myself than I was a few months ago. Yesterday was also my first time seeing you drink alcohol. Man, you’re good at handling your alcohol. I was impressed. I like that about a man. Very sexy. But I don’t want to compliment on it, I don’t want you to turn to an alcoholic nah. But damn was it attractive. I was attracted to the manly things you do. I know you’re a gentlemen too. I think you kind of played with my hair at the mall yesterday too. You usually don’t do that. It’s either you’re kind of buzzed from the Mojito or you really like me. You know I only let you touch me right?! I mean in a loving way, not abusive way. I would have a problem with other guys touching me like that. But with you, it’s different. I want you to touch me. Makes me feel like your lady and only yours. So baby, love me all you want. I like it. But I trust you to be a gentlemen too. And it’s cool if you don’t want to kiss me in front of other people, like single people, but who cares. I like you and I’m not afraid to show it. There are times when we are alone too... what’s keeping you from kissing me? I really want you to kiss me. I mean I can kiss you easily, but having you kiss me, Oh yes!! It’s harder but more worth the wait. I hope you kiss me good too, don’t have me disappointed. LOL! Just kidding. Don’t worry. I’d kiss you right back with all my heart. I hope you won’t be disappointed with my kiss to you. Let’s just enjoy it okay?! I was laughing so hard yesterday. I was being silly. Hope you’re not embarrassed by it. I’m kind of funny. I know. But you can be too. I know somewhere in that funny person you have a little boy waiting to come out to play. Come play with me okay?! Keep me young. I’m a child at heart, I hope you are one too.

7/6/07

11:31 PM 7/5/2007
TOday, Julius came up to me and talked to me, trying to sound nice, but i know he's not nice. He's so fake. I'm so pissed at that man! but then william came by just to say hi, he didn't know what julius just said to me though. I asked william if he's going to eat lunch, and he said yeah, so i ate lunch with him. I didn't want to sit there thinking about what julius said or tried to do. I'm glad i went to lunch with him. He told me the juiciest stories about John's girlfriend quynh-anh. Man I couldn't believe him, but he proved it was real and not fake. Man!!! Oh my God juiciest story ever!! That made me feel better. and we kept talking and he told me about why my-hanh broke up with. Left him out cold during the hurricane. man that was mean. But what quynh-anh did to him was mean too. I told him, he;s setting himself up to get hurt. and Then i told him about liem too, how liem forgave me for doing the same thing my-hanh did to him. I didn't leave Liem because of the same reason my-hanh did. she left william because he lost everything during the storm. I just left liem cause I can't handle being in a relationship and was too young to know what i was doing. I never gave liem an explanation until way after it happened. But it's all behind us now and we're doing okay. I told william i never want to hurt liem again. i rather liem hurt me. he said that's what a guy that really loves you would do, they'd forgive you, no matter how much you hurt them. And i'm happy liem did. Anyways, after lunch he asked me to go to the gym with him, but I can't i have to sutdy and alot of other excuses i had. I told him i'd go but i won't work out cause i didn't wear the right clothes and i needed to pick up adrian from summer school. turn out i remembered he didn't go to school today. So i went to study for about 4 hours and william came by the lab after 5 and saw me and stayed and talked to me more about his juicy story. I can't beleive he made out with her!! and she's with john. and he told me alot of stories about other girls too and how they'd throw themselves at him. I told him he's a player and that's not good. He told me to stop hating on him and kinda got mad at me, and i apologized for being rude and telling him straightforwardly that i think he's a player. I told him He can change his ways, and he wants to too because he doesn't like the girls that throw themselves at him. He told me he likes syeda and been asking me like a million times to put in a good word for him to her. i got fed up and told him to give me her email. and i emailed her about school and told her that i got her email from william so that next time i email her i can talk about william to her without being obvious that i want to talk about him to her. LOL. Then one day eventually i can tell her all the good things and hiding the bad things about william to her. But honestly, I don't like william because he seems like a player and he falls for any girl that he thinks is pretty. I think syeda is a nice girl and she deserves better. But if william truly likes her and can change his ways about girls, then i'd reconsider. that's why i haven't talk to syeda much yet. I hope she doesn't email me back soon. i have tests coming up. and i hope william is serious about syeda too, because she's a medical student and needs to really focus. What if she do likes william back but doesn't want to actually go out with because she's busy with school. he have to understand for her. And i just don't get why quynh would make out with william, it has to be something he did to make her do that. I told william maybe she didn't want to lose him in her life after he told her to stop leading him on and make a decision by kissing him now if she likes him or stop it all together. I mean i would kiss a guy i care about alot to keep him in my life if i had to. I would never want to lose liem in my life. I guess quynhanh felt that way to william, although he is just a friend but i bet for a fact she cares about william even though she has a boyfriend. However, I told william that she would not leave john for him because she's been with him for so long. she's just confused or stressed out and did a silly thing in that one moment. Although william did say the way she came on to him, the way she dressed and how she wanted to go to his house and stuff. I was like Whoa-day... i didn't know she was like that. I told him i never made out with anyone before, not even my boyfriend. he was like it's the best feeling in the world and like how i'm missing out and stuff. he said he kissed alot of girls before, I was like, man you kiss and tell!! i just can't beleive everything i heard from william today. he told me to keep it a secret.. oh and there's something about Co Mai too!!! but he didn't tell me!! =( next time i'll make him tell me. man, william talks alot. but he has alot of bad but juicy stories. I rather have liem though, he doens't have not much stories to tell me, but at least i know he's a good guy. he doesn't have alot of bad stories because he's making good ones with me. I heart liem. But i can still be friends with william right huh?! i hope liem knows he can trust me. I told william that me and him are just friends. we're cool with that. well at least i think so. i told him he can tell me stuff and not be afraid I'd think differently of him. he asked me how i think he looks. i told him he looks okay for a white guy. and he felt depressed because i didn't told him he was handsome. I was like, I'm telling you the truth, what do you want me to say? you're fine like brad pitt?! He was like, man just lie to me. I was like i say what's on my mind... I told him, you're getting to know me a little better, I'm not nice as you'd think. I say mean things. but i tell you the truth. and that's something to honor. He said he thought i was a nice girl. i mean i still am, but i'm not all sugar and sweet. i'm nice, but i have some spice too. no one's perfect. not me anyways. then he toldme he was glad i stayed back late at school, he wanted to tell someone about what had happened with him and quynhanh. and alot of other things to. he said he miss hanging out with friends and stuff. THen i told him i'm boutta go, and he said he'd walk me to the garage where we park our cars, but then he had to lock his office so we went to his office and he showed me pictures on his computer of the girl he dated in vietnam. he told me they don't talk anymore, and something bad happened.... i joked with him that she probably found a new man. and i finally told him about Vn girls and how they try to take advantage of guys for their money. he knew about too, but he really believed that khanh genuinely likes him. I was like okay. whatever you say dude. and then he showed me emails about all the girls he talked about, like quynhanh. at first i kept telling him that i didn't believe him. but when he showed me the email i said sorry. then he talked more about vn and we were talking about talking in vietnamese and then somehow we decided to go to puccino's. so we went to puccino's and he bought me a coffee. and then we stayed there until like 9 just chilling playing on the computer talk about math and i showed him pictures. watched some you tube and dl a song he wanted me to hear. which i didn't like. =\ but oh wells, he showed me some hindu language stuff and just talk about random stuff. like what music we listen to what we do for fun and why we like the things we like. He likes traveling and i like doing activites or trying new things. talked about florida and vacations spots. talked about fireworks too. and about the viet girl that goes there to play video poker for hours. We just hang out, i haven't hang out with a friend doing just random things. I told him i only do stuff with my family, liem and classmates. I haven't spend time wiht any friend in a while. I was getting to know him better outside of school. we just got to know each other better. he's a cool guy and he can change his ways but i doubt it. he's talking to me, and sometimes he seemed too friendly, but i act like i don't catch on quick with those things even though i do, i just don't acknowledge it and hope he understand we're just friends. he'll get to know me better that i don't do crazy things like cheat on my boyfriend, but i bet he's thougth of that. he thinks i would do that. but if he gets to know me better, he'll see that's the last thing i would do. i mean what if william had a girlfriend, he wouldn't want her to cheat on him right?! what if there was a guy friend like william always with his Gf flirting like crazy?! can he trust her?! I'm so much better than he thinks of me. I can control myself and would never do anything like that to myself, and not to mention my boyfriend. I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone else, liem and him too. I think about the consequences too. i highly respect myself more than i think he thinks of me. I hope william come to find that i'm a very respectable person. and i would like that he'll learn to respect girls more after he gets to know me. not every girl is the same. I'm not the girls that he usually meets, that throws themselves at him. he'll like me, but we're just friends. and if there's one girl like me out there, there's has to be another one. I hope he knows that he should like me as a friend and nothing more. He tends to think that way because it happened to him so many times. I'm here to make him see that i'm different. not all girls like one type of guy. I like william too because he makes me laugh and talks to me without being all wierd. i like that he's himself and he has alot of strong characteristics that i admire guys of having. they're more bold and funny. that's why i like having guy friends more than girl friends, they're more laid back and not to high maintence like some girls are. I mean i am kinda girly.. i can't help it i am a girl... but around guys, i don't have to be too girly. I can be more of myself around guys than girls. With girls, i have to be more cheer-y and nice. only time i gotta be girly to a guy is to liem because i want him to like me. i mean, I'm his friend too, but i want to be his girlfriend more. but generally, i like having guy friends. and i hope any guy friends i have doesn't think that there can be more. other than liem of course. I want guys to be friends with me and not feel uncomfortable with having a girl as a friend or expect the girl to liekhim just because she enjoys having him as a friend. not all girls fall for their guy friends. 1:01 AM 7/6/2007, man i wrote alot. i'm going to sleep now. night.

7/3/07

It's been over a month since I've been in cardiopulomonary program. I really like school. and the things we learn is so interesting and makes sense. I just hope and wish I can understand and know the material. Please let me take whole advantage of the school! I really like the school. But studying too much can over-do me. So I'm taking a break tomorrow and go to the beach and kayaking for july 4th. Chi DIane just made her first vows and now she's So Diane. I'm very happy for her and May god bless her. Dear God, She's a blessing. Keep her safe in your arms, No matter what she's doing and where ever she may be, Let her feel safe and at peace with you. Even though there are things that aren't perfect, i find myself at peace with my life. And I enjoy it very much. The stress in it is just about right. I thought it would be overwhelming, Well, at times it is, But I can look forward to the light and positive things in my life and not focus too much on the hard things. With you, everything will be okay. I pray less, but everytime i do pray, I really mean it. I hope I can live my life better and change for the better each day. there are things that i can't change, Well, i can change, but I don't know. I need human affection, I wish my boyfriend would show more affection to me. But i can wait til he's ready. Sometimes i think we're boring, I wish we can do more... Talk more, Hold each other more. I don't know really. I want to enjoy the thingsi used to enjoy, like reading books for fun. Or watch Tv. Drive and go shopping. I've sacrificed alot for this school. And It's okay. I guess In some ways I was prepared for this lifestyle. a poor no time to life med-student. I hope i become a good health profession. I think I want to be a respiratory therapist now. and an echocardiologist too. I want to study more and learn more. I wish My brain is smart. It is, I just need to spend more time with the material and hopefully next semester gives me more comfort with more time to study and learn and like the material. I wantn to love studying medically. I want to save lives and make a difference. In the times I'm needed most. I want to fulfill my purpose of my life. Dear God, I hope that is your will for me. If it is not, I'm still doing good for the world right? Bless me father. Protect me and guide me. I love you and i love my life. Can i give it all up to be with you?! Sure, That would be fine too. I'm enjoying it, and having this chance, Is an honor in my lifetime. I feel good. I love you jesus, you're great to me. I feel anything hard in my life, is not so bad, When i have youin it with me. Thanks, for always being there.
1:14 AM 7/3/2007
I can't sleep, so i'm here just writing down thoughts. I told my classmates about how liem never met my parents. and i never met his. I told them that i don't bring home any guy. it has to be the one. th eone that i'm going to marry. so, yeah they know i date liem, but he haven't been home, until i knoe he's the one. People say they who's the one. I really want liem to be it, but i just don't know if he's the one until i know. so until that day comes, I'll just keep guys away from my house. Is that being mean to my boyfriend, somewhat unreasonable to him? i hope not, but i hope he understands, would he want to marry a girl who takes any guy home?! would he want a girl who seriously think about the person she's marrying, even if that person may be him? It somewhat keeps an open door to other guys, but He shouldn't feel that way if he's confident that I want to be withhim, he also have to feel the same about me to, and so far, i don't feel it. I mean He's a nice boyfriend, and he's still learnign about me and how i am. But one day when and if (him) or anyone that makes me feel that he's The One, I would seriously not waste anymore time with boyfriend realtionship and more like companion relationship to me significant other. I don't feel those things to liem. bUT I CAN'T WAIT. i know he's capable of being a husband like kinda person to his true love, but right now i don't feel it. I do hope it's him, then things would be easier when we do start to get more serious. But I just don't knwo yet, he's just my boyfriend. and i like him very much, there are things i trust with him, but not everything. I want to share certain things to my future husband only and that keeps me from sharing things with liem, and i don't want to talk about it because I would only share it with my hubby to be, but for now, it's not liem. or it's not him yet. I knwo i can trust a hubby to be person more than a boyfriend. as long as liem is my boyfriend, he will only be my boyfriend. i feel kinda apathetic of liem right now. I feel that maybe me and liem aren't going to marry each other, we're good together, but i need more. there's so much i want for him, like i want him to finish school and be somebody, so he's feel he has a purpose to his life and enjoy it with someone he choose to love, (like me) hehe.. I want him to love me. he still have his impression of me, but once he gets to knwo me more, he's like me right?! i find that i do. I just need to talk to him more. tell him things he's not expecting to hear. I wish he asked me to stay home to spend more time with him. but he didn't and it's okay, it gives me time to spend with my family. either way, i was taking time off from school to life my life a little. and i feel greatful that dr. pellett was cool with that. I'll see him friday. okay i'm going to sleep now, I feel better that i took somethings off my mind. now all i have to do is talk to liem. and pray more to god. You have a goodnight jesus.

A moment

Today I had a moment. I’m saying I had a moment because I was thinking about something and I didn’t want to share with you, or anyone ever in that matter. It’s something I should never share to anyone but myself. But one day, just one day I might will. Goodness, this is so not good. I think I’m going to start locking this journal after I write this. Actually, I had a few moments, I’ve been having so much of it since the last few times we spend some time together. Like about how sweet you are last time, but this time, it’s even more naughty thoughts that ran through my mind about you. I know?! Where can I get naughty thoughts about you from out of nothing much?! Well, let’s start with the one that I told you I was going to tell you next time. When you talking to me about how mean you are to your nephew, which (shame on me) I keep forgetting to remember their names since you remember Katelyn and Adrian’s. Beside the point, you told me how you kept him back and say to him in a mean tone “I Own You.” I’m weird I know, but from the tone of your voice when you say those words, I can just imagine you’d use that on me one day and it’s so sexy! I just all of a sudden thought about how forceful you can be. And it’s kind of manly to me and I like that in a guy, especially intimate-wise. LOL! Yeah, and then my thoughts went in the gutter. I couldn’t believe that was the second time in one night with you that it happened. When was my first time you ask? When I held your arms and touched your stomach. You have more meat on your stomach and bigger arms too! Do you know how sexy that felt?! LOL. You got me there too. But I didn’t say anything. I just knew I like you even more. I have more of you to hold on to, more of you to feel next to me, and more of your arms around me. I imagined how your body would feel like next to mines and all that sexiness I can get my hands all over. Yeah, my head went in the gutter. Want descriptions?! Let’s just say I’d imagined a lot of you and me together doing things I shouldn’t’ be talking about because it’s too embarrassing to share with anyone, not even you!! Well, at least not at the time. I know one day we’d be laughing about this if we were more intimate, but we’re not, so I can’t tell you about it. I just don’t know how you’d feel if I talk about such things with you. I kind of do trust that you won’t freak about my personality and how comfortable I can be when talking about those things with you. But you never know. So at that time, I didn’t want to talk about it. That’s why I told you I’d tell you another day. That day would be when we become more intimate (non-sexually) and honestly.. I don’t think it’s anytime soon. So, I get to keep it to myself. It wasn’t a bad thing; it’s something good about something bad. I mean why would I want to talk about sexual thoughts about you when you were just talking about your nephew?! LOL! I’ll tell you one day when it’s right. And when that day comes, we can really laugh about it. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, maybe it’s just hormones. It’s about that time of the month. You’d probably think I’m a freak, which I am, but most people are, and I’m fine admitting to it! Well, at least to one person only. I think you’re that person, hopefully. I hope you’re someone who isn’t going to be afraid of me being myself; of how I’m just a human and I’m a sexual being, although I’m still a virgin, but I still think about those things okay?! And I think one day I can tell you about those things and just laugh about it. I think we’ll be cool about it and become closer. I meant ‘Closer’ as in talking and getting to know each other better but not like having sex closer. Hmm, I wonder why you asked me about wanting to have kids and parenting stuff. Are you insinuating a sex talk?! LOL. Just kidding, you’re such a gentlemen to upfrontedly talk about sex. You’re so cute. I love you liem. I had a great time with you today. Reading children’s books and finding waldo was fun. I like it when we go to Barnes & Nobles. And sushi was good too! I haven’t eaten sushi in a while especially at Kanno’s.

I see Dead people

I'm taking anatomy and physiology. I'm studying with cadavers. I'm actaully disecting them. next week is my third week. i feel like i'm burnout. never studied so hard in my life. okay, back to studying... laters LJ

How Sweet

You might not even know how sweet you are to me. Just the other day, after my first week of cardio, you made me very happy. You are the sweetest boyfriend a girl can ask for. I can’t believe you took my words seriously when I told you I was craving for something sweet that’s horribly/bad for me/but delicious, like ‘Godiva double chocolate cheesecake’ good to eat. I was surprised when you got me that Godiva chocolate bar, it’s not cake but it was so sweet!! Not chocolate sweet, but Liem sweet. That’s better than Godiva double chocolate cheesecake. You went to school with me, and just being with you at school, oh man, I just love it! I missed you so much when I started LSU. And now, every time I sit there and study, I think about you from time to time and just smile, you know?! I don’t feel too alone at school. And another thing, you offer me gas money if I needed it! LOL!! That was nice of you, and I know you don’t make that much money either. And you want to get a pepper spray thing for me too. WOW! I couldn’t believe all these things were coming from you that day. You’re starting to be a very good boyfriend. I’m starting to like you even more. You listened to me when I ask you to put the chair back. =) Hehe... that makes me smile. It was a great day with you, we went to Barnes & Noble’s and then school and after studying we went to eat at Zea’s and talked and listened to music the rest of the night. By the way, that Avant song wasn’t about another guy, it’s about me wanting you. Wanting you so much I don’t mind waiting until forever for you to kiss me. Although it should be the other way around, but it’s okay. You know what else is sweet?! You wanting to take me out every Friday and do this day over and over again. At the pace we’re going, you might just make your move and finally kiss me by our one year anniversary. Hopefully, if not, I’m going to break up with you!! Just kidding! I <3 you Liem. “How sweet it is to be loved by you.”

5/29/2007

11:35 PM 5/29/2007
Dear Trinity, Yes, this includes the holy spirit too. I'm not always fair to you. but I've decided to pray to you too. First, thankyou for everything. my life, school, family, boyfriend, and just everything else in between. It's great. yeah, even the stress. Which is not so bad. I just have to keep working hard, please help me stay focused. I stayed after hours at school to study. and hopefully it will pay off tomorrow when i do my first quiz. I need to read physiology to keep up with the lectures. i have an exam next monday. I'm not used to studying so much liek this, I dont' even knwo I can actually do it. I bet I'm really behind and not realize it. I'm spending time doing these stuff. when i should be studying. just a few things i want to write down that i want to pray for. Chi diane, i hear she's making her vows next month. I pray that you holy spirit will be with her in celebration of her life dedicated to the church. also, for my sister Hong, that she have a safe and fun trip to hawaii. and also for her cysts in her ovaries to not complicate her having a baby. For hoa and anh hung, that their family come to mends. for anna to be accepted into delasalle. and hopefully my money problems will be solved. like my dentistry bill and my credit card bill and i think i just lost my discover card. hmmm... dont' knwo where i misplaced it. okay. i'll be back later to pray some more. please stay strong with us. amen.

I See Dead People

Yes, I see dead people. I'm currently studying anatomy with cadavers. For the past two days, I've been in the same room with a few cadavers. At first I thought I would faint or throw up. But it's not that bad at all. It's just like dissecting fetus pigs in high school, but in a bigger form. Yes, the smell is bad when I get really close to the insides of a cadaver, but I'll get use to it. I'll be done in a few months, and I won't remember the smell anymore. I haven't dissect my cadaver yet tough. I studied with specimens and other cadavers that was dissected already only. I've studied with a skull, real but perserved brain, and someone's head cut vertically in half. I felt underprepared about the things i'm supposed to locate on the specimens today, but I'll go back this weekend to find it and know where it is for sure!!! I'm excited about being in this program and all the access of things to study from! Real specimens!! Good ones too!!! I'm glad i'm in a good school. Thank you for those who donated or will donate their bodies for students like to me to study. I'll make good use of it!! please help me study!! =) I think I will donate my body too, Maybe.

is it just me?

i smell dead people. I think the smell is on me. i do smell like it, it's on my scrubs.. It's on me... all the time, even when i'm not in the lab. Is the smell on me?! i mean, i wash my clothes!! Why?! Why i keep on smelling it. Do you smell it in my car?! the new car scent is gone huh?! what away to go.... formaldehyde. I feel like everything smell like cadavers man. my house does, maybe just to me. not my family. I think it's in my nose or something. i'm getting too used to the smell. and i'm worried i smell like it.

The Real Meaning of Peace

There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint
the best picture of Peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the
pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose
between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful
towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy
white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect
picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above
was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down
the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look
peaceful at all.

But when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush
growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her
nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird
on her nest in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second
picture. Do you know why?

"Because," explained the king, "Peace does not mean to be in a place where
there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst
of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real
meaning of peace."

Author Unknown

Happy Enough

I don't know where to start to give this entry a good intro that explains all the good things that's happening in my life. I'm very blessed. And I feel very grateful for my life right now. Nothing bad happened for me to understand this. It's just, looking back.. I knew one day this happiness will come to me again. It's nice for a while. I know it won't be easy breezy or nice and comfy later. But for now, I'm so loving this feeling of where I'm at right now at this moment in my life. I can make a long list of things I'm grateful for and so happy for it. It's heartwarming. I know good things won't last long. but maybe this entry will be my photo of this moment. This feeling will be embedded into my memory. I don't feel any regrets. How can I explain this feeling? I'm not overly happy. I'm just at a good balanced happy right now. And that's pretty good. I like it just right. Happy enough. There are things that won't be perfect, but in its own little way, it is. I guess whatever God blesses me with, it's all for the right reasons. I feel in my heart that I'm so glad my life is in his hands. All the things I'm capable of is given by him. anything that's taken away from me would be fine too. because it creates for me a balance that I need in my life. I just pray that everything will be okay. and I know it will be. Because God is taking care of me. Thank you for my family, friends, and just all the people in my life. Mostly, thank you for being in my life. With you, all things are possible. I'm so happy that I got accepted into this program. This really open doors to big dreams that I once thought, was out of the question but now possible to reach. I'm so glad I chose to go to college and stay in school. It was quite boring and typical and seemed like I'm going no where at first. But now, I feel there's so much I want to accomplish. I feel like conquering everything. I feel so blessed that my family is fully supporting me. I love my Mom and Dad so much. They are so supportive and just so wonderful. My sisters are all proud of me and wants me to keep on going. They're so understanding, supportive, and just my strength for everything. My boyfriend is so nice about it too. He's such a sweetie, he's a blessing too. In the next part of my life, I will probably go through alot. This happy moment here.. it may likely fade away. But I find peace that it will come again later. Life is Wonderful. God works in mysterious ways. somehow, someway everything will turn out ... okay. I'm not rich, but still, I'm happy. I have nothing, but yet, I have everything.

4/24/2007

11:48 PM 4/23/2007
Hey there. I haven't written in a journal in a while. I'm doing okay. pretty good i guess. I'm failing general chemistry again. I'm praying to God there's a big curve. I just need a C, but a B would be great! i doubt that. Dear God, My grades are all above or at average, so please!!! please!!! can i have the C?!?!?!?! I'll be so happy. I know i really didn't study much for it, but it's just not my subject. Organic seems better. have no idea why. maybe it's mostly nomenclature. I got my wisdom teeth out. Thank God. She was so nice?! do you know that?! Dear god, please keep on blessing her. She helped me alot. and she says it's all thanks to you. So Me too, i won' thave the grades i need unless you bless them to me. And if I don't have the C i need for general Chem, I guess I have to take it again, and put up with the embarassment of failing it twice. =( I hate school. But at the same time i love it. I'm trying to pre-study for biology right now. And i will more tomorrow. Physics is so easy I love it!!!! It's so much better than last semester. thank GOD! This week is Linda's confirmation. Bless her jesus, May the holy spirit lift her soul. and feel your love. I can't wait til thao-vi's birthday. I'm so happy for her. And in some ways I know she is too. Thanks, for letting me have her as my sister. She's pretty cool you know. She's smart. As for me teeth and doctor visits. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. And i remember how nervous i was at the moment i found out i have to do physicals. Whoa. LOL! I didn't share that feeling with you... or did i? But yeah, i was so scared and embarassed. I didn't even knwo i can still be embarassed. Only to doctor visits like these. you know i met a nice nurse named Van. Jesus, bless his heart, he's a good man. And the doctor too. she's nice. I met so many nice people in the medical field. I think it's really what i want to do. I tested myself to be able to look at blood and needles. It's not so bad. I can get used to it jesus. You knwo that?! Thanks for giving me that ability to not get freak out by needles and blood. I knwo some people do, but not me. and i can endure pain. YOu wanna knwo why?! because it doesn't compare to your pain on the cross. and a little pain can hurt me. You taken most of it already. thank you. I love you jesus. you knwo that?! someway, somehow, you come back into my life. a little of you goes a long way... i heart you!!! =) i know i'm not explaining everything in detail of how i feels, but i know you know. Thanks for Liem too. he's a sweetheart. sometimes i feel whatever about him, and then sometimes i feel good about him. sometimes even very sad, but mostly for no good reason. I guess i worry too much. It's all inyour hands jesus. I knwo you'll take care of me, just like youare with my mom and dad. Thanks for the $$ mula.. Hahaha... money comes with trouble you that jesus?! I can see, the more money you come across, the more mess you have to deal with. but we gotta have it. but it's only thanks to you. You giveth, and you can taketh. hehehhe. i tried the buffet on chef today. Thumbs down, but good luck to them anyway. we all need a little lift sometimes. okay i guess this is it for now. i'll be back to write more later.12:05 AM 4/24/2007

Hey Liem

I don’t know where to start. I haven’t been on here for so long because I was afraid to write about you and me and how great our relationship is going. I don’t want to jinx it or anything. Even before I can type these words down, my heart aches and tears are forming in my eyes. I don’t know how to express all these feelings I have inside of me that’s bursting. These feelings inside my whole body that makes me yearn and my heart throbbing, aching when I think of how much I love you. My heart have been wanting to love you for so long. And once it has, It’s so scared it might lose you again. It’s kind of funny too. How happy I am, but also miserable. Miserably happy. I guess that’s one way of expressing my feelings. Do you know that I loved you for a very long time? I don’t think I have the courage to tell you. Even now in our relationship, even with that as my excuse to tell you how much I love you, I don’t say it. I’m so scared. So I’ll just keep the way things are between us. I think you know somewhere in your heart that I love you. And I know you love me too. I wanted so badly for us to be together, and now we are. I’m very glad. I don’t know what I would do without you. Probably miserable too, more like miserably sad. Either way, I do still love you. I guess all my heart’s desires are coming true. I’m pleased, satisfied, happy, glad, thrilled that we’re together. You’re mines and I’m yours. It’s just us again. I’m all smiles. I like it when you make me smile and laugh, sometimes mad but it’s fun too. I like it when you pick me up, drive around in your car, or just in your car talking and listening to music. Holding hands and holding each other. Smiling and talking. Laughing. Walking side by side. Making fun of each other. Eating and feeding each other. Trying new things. Going to ‘our’ places. Getting calls and sending e-mails. Taking pictures. Just being together. It’s great. I hope this lasts forever. In all of this, I’m worried too. About how things may break apart, And I will be sad again. I’d imagined it before. I cried of how I let you go. So, I don’t want to ever let you go. It’s hard and the only easy way, is to be with you always. I’ll always be yours no matter what. I will always love you. I know that much, of what my heart wants. Anyways, I don’t only imagine about the bad things. I’d imagined about your kisses. LOL! Whenever that will be. I hope it will be memorable and enjoyable. I wish you’d kiss me every time you see me. Everyday would be great. I mean I would. But I don’t think you’re ready for my kisses. I tried once. But I’ll wait for you, until you’re ready to give me my first real good kiss. Don’t hold back okay. I don’t want to. But I should before I scare the freak out of you. Yeah, Sometimes I think I’m too into you. I’d kiss you to death. I might get out of control too. But I’m not worried. I know you won’t let me do anything that will jeopardize our future. You think of everything. =) Anyways, I like you, even when I don’t like you, I can’t help it, I still do.

4/11/2007

1:08 AM 4/11/2007
three more weeks of school, i'm also preparing for registration at lsu now too. i need to go to the doctor to get a physical done. i'm so nervous because i have so bad cavities... and now i really have to go to the dentist. awful. and to think i wanted to be a dentist, it's not the dentist i'm scared of, it 's the bill. and the embarassment of having very bad teeth too. =( anyways, when i go to lsu, i have to pay for health insurance. wow. so grown up. it's like 500 dollars. not bad i guess for one term, so that's like 15i00 a year?! whoa. should i do the suplement? we'll see if i can manage the premium for now. Mom and dad are only downing five thousand for my car, which is pretty much my five thousand. they're not helping me at all. i guess i'll try my best. now i really want a scion tc. who cares if it's a two door. i want a white or black one. i really need help for genral chemistry, i need to keep my c average at least. I feel so =(. so is my C a low C or a high C? cause i need to keep it a or above. it's probably a low C. i need to do good on chapter 19 quiz. okay imma do it tomorrow. since, i'm done with all my lab reports. And pretty much did most of my registration forms, i also got the ups mailing label so i need to send it off asap to get my money back into my credit card. i'm still waiting for another shipping label later on this week. so as soon as it gets here, imma do it too. i have a few stuff to mail off tomorrow. and need to look at the bills and stuff. also, i need to go to sam's for mom and dad. I haven't talked to liem for a while i have so much to tell him. i probably wait until he calls me or something. he doesn't miss me. he probably thinks i'm cheating on him with william or ton. he doesn't care. i think he knows i'm not going to be with him forever, so he doesn't give a damn about me. he sucks. even ton treats his friends better than liem treats me. and i'm liem's girlfriend. i wonder how it would be to be ton's girlfriend. Very annoyed. don't knwo when will i tutor william agian. i might need to go to LSU, i can meet him there. since i need to go talk to an advisr anyway. i don't knwo the course numbers to fill it out with. registration ends in may. but i really need to get things done. imma call doctor dao cong minh to set up an appointment for a physical. and then go to the dentist next week?! i just need start on the physical to turn in with my registration forms. i want to lose weight again, summer is back!! =) i'm so happy, i can go walking again. too bad the treadmill is broke. maybe i can fix it?!?! or maybe buy a new one?! anyways, thao-vi nbirthday is coming. i think i want to buy beau rivage circue olei tickets. hong said it was like twenty bucks. i might can invite liem too?! i think i mma get thao-vi a laptop bag and liemc an give it to her and from me, the tickets, and i'll drive to biloxi. by the way... i want to go to hudson man!!! but monica said they had nothing. i tolf monica to call hoa and tell her what color dress they going to wear at chu hieu's wedding. who knows. by the way there's a dress i like at dillards for 70 dollars!!! thao-vi found it for me. i didn't buy it though. since i need to save up for a car, i shouldn't spend that much. oh wells, tomorrow's PAY DAY!!! woo hoo...more money to save up. minus 40 dollars for gas. and 40 for oil change. and 100 for credit card payment. oh wait, oil change is not until next month or so. so about 140 will go to normal expenses. okay, i'm going to sleep now. goodnight.
1:28 AM 4/11/2007

Hello?

Hello... Been a while... what's going on? everyone left xanga?

4/7/2007

today i called ton and talked to him for an hour or so. I haven't talked to him in so long and we had so much to catch up on. he didn't even know i was working at smoothie king or bought a laptop. I had to tell him my good news, about cardiopulmonary and getting a new car. And i also told him about me and liem. and william and how things are going very well. And for him, he's still in br but got kicked out from his sister's place and he's staying with a friend and another friend's house. He's also been sleeping around and got used. the girlhe slept with might be pregnant. but he doubt it is his because he used protection.. but still i couldn't believe he would really do something like that no matter what the circumstances. and now he's got himself into so much worries. he told me about his sex life. LOL! he told me he wanted to talk to Trang. I told him about people here... and what nots. and about going to church and stuff. i wish he still was innocent like me back here in new orleans. i bet he could be a different person. but i'm glad he's out on his own, i really want him to take care of himself before anyone else. he needs to get his priorities straight. he needs to save up money instead of wasting it on 300 phones and spending 600 dollars on a girl who doesn't give a damn about him. i feel bad for him man, he's broke and can't control his spending. that why he's not at school pursuing his degree for optometry. I was like, Why he keep doing this shit all over to himself. he should get along with his family and move back or something. hehehe.... it kinda funny to think ton actually got laid, he must met some really needy girls or must be super drunk... LOL! anyways, the laptop bag came in today, it;s so ugly and freakign big!!! i have to return and go find a good looking one. and it gotta be done before thao-vi birthday. there's three and a half more week untilt he end of the semester. wow!!! it's so fast! i can't believe i'm about to start cardiopulmonary in about two months. =( i hate school and now more?!?! i can't take it anymore. but i have to.

Thank god for everything in my life, i know tonight is good friday and all, but i feel like jesus is still alive, at least in my mind and heart. When i'm sad or feel very depressed, i would think jesus died. but today i realized that maybe cardiopulmonary is my true calling in life. there's got to be a reason why i applied in the first place and how all of a sudden i met william again and becoming friends with him. He's my sorta close connection to the department. and can show me a thing or two around the place. comparing my life to ton's i feel very good about my life and how it's going. i dont' have alot of downs as much as ups. and thank god for that. other than failing general chemistry again... i don't knwo why that course is so hard. i don't understand it, i think i need a tutor in chemistry. i have no idea what is going on. maybe the learning center have a tape or something i can watch and study with. i'm truly blessed, thank you jesus... thank you.

4/5/2007

I'm boutta go to church. wonder if i'm going to see liem. I was about to go out withhim today, but i had no idea what to do withhim. and plus thao-vi was making fun of me because i was excited to go out with him. I was planning to go tutor viet with william, but i kinda see him more than my own boyfriend, so that was not cool. So william has a girlfriend back in vietnam. That was interesting to know. i never met an american guy that likes vietnam so much. maybe he's head over heels for this girl that may be trying to get all his money or whatnot. anyways, i learned alot about william that day. and i bet he learned alot of viet too.

3/24/2007

12:39 AM 3/24/2007
today i went out with liem. we went to kanno's for lunch and ate sushi. it was good. and after that, we went to hoa's place. just chilling and talking. me and liem are going out again on sunday. sometimes i can't stand how liem is. so unromantic, but somehow, i'm still fond of him. he's a nice guy, can't go wrong with him. he'll never cheat right? no. but i can't expect alot from him either, but i wish he become a great person with ambitions and goals and want to be a man. and yes i think the guy should do everything. he sucks anyways, he wouldn't do it even if he knows he should and most definitely won't do it even if i really want him to. i never got flowers from him. not even candy. i think he's saving those tricks for when i'm mad and he wants to apologize. that won't happen. if he does, i'll throw it back at him. i know he usually doesn't buy flowers or candy, so i won't accpet them under those circumstances. if he wants to give me flowers.. do it on a special day, but if he's nice, he'll give flowers just because i want flowers. i have work tomorrow, so i'm going to sleep now. by the way, full house is good.12:53 AM 3/24/2007

3/22/2007

1:03 AM 3/22/2007
I failed a general chemistry test today... why can't i understand it?!?!?! i hate chemistry. Organic is fine. i don't know why i have so much difficulty with the general chemistry?!?!?!?!? Anyways, i'm going to find out my results from biology tomorrow. and i have to do homework for recitation too. Did i write about cardio pulmonary? well, i think i'm in the program, but i'm not sure yet, three more weeks. I drove chanh thu home today and visited fudgie and chino. fudgie is pregnant again. i told thu about cardiopulmonary. i haven't seen liem in so long, since his birthday.. Our sixth month is pretty boring. next month is seven. i have no idea what to do with liem. i still like him, i mean i don't dislike him. he's just whatever, yeah he's my boyfriend, who's not really my boyfriend. it's weird... is this it? i wish there can be more. i wanna do something. for us. romantic?! tried that, didn't really work. just died off.. he didn't try anything yet. i wish there was more between us. don't you feel something's missing between us?! like sparks? like excitement? like very cool feeling? i want that. i don't know. by the way i hate work. so much drama, and i don't like danny. he's a goody two shoe. i don't like him. after i get done with lab, i'll never see him again, except for work!! good lord! he's such a jerk. JERK. to everyone!! no wonder everyone don't want to work with him. why can't he be fired and leave us alone. i been getting better at work, still practicing to make good smoothies, but i know most of the recipes. man, the main thing i'm scared of is cardiopulmonary program. i can't believe i got in. but they're still doing interviews and maybe i won't get in. i hope i do though. i want to do something in my life. or at least start on it. i have no idea what ig ot myself into, but it seem like i can do it. but I'm scared my chemistry grade isn't going to cut it. it's a C right now and it may have gone lower. to a D which is what i deserve in this course. I need help. i need help. and i need to go to the dentist. i really do. but i can manage without dental care, which isn't too healthy. but it kinda helps me control my eating habits. i eat small portions now. since i eat slower, i should eat less. i want to start exercising again, but the treadmill broke. let's try it tomorrow and see. oh yeah, i lost my id too. should i get a new one? yeah.. i need to go to the resource center and watch chemistry videos too. i have no idea what i'm doing in there.1:22 AM 3/22/2007

I'm Nervous

Something's come up. It's very unexpected, but I'm transferring schools and changing my major. I didn't want to talk about it, but I really have to Unload somewhere. I'll open up soon to everyone about it, not now. It's happening all so quickly I can't even believe it. But it's still uncertain though. I still have to wait about three weeks to know if I'm in or not. And if I do, I'll start this summer after the spring semester is over. I can't beleive I'm making a big step into my future. I'm moving on up.... Reaching for a doctor degree looked impossible, but now, it looks acheiveable. I think I can actually make it! Slowly but surely. One step at a time. = I'm so scared for my future. I can't beleive I'm growing up. Being more serious and taking control of my life. And possibly having responsibilities of other people's life. Am I ready for it?! Can I take all of life's pressure and step up to plate?! I don't know for sure, But I'm going headforwardly to the best I can be. Wish me luck. It's going to be intense. It's going to be life altering. It's more than I ever expected. I'm so scared. I wish I was young forever.

3/15/2007

10:44 PM 3/15/2007
Tomorrow is my interview with lsu. I'm not nervous as i thought i would be, but i will be tomorrow. How prepared can i be? I don't know what to expect. i have no idea how an interview is like. i didn't even expect to go this far. I thought i had to be more experience and know more about cardiopulmonary to be able to even be considered. Honestly, this is my first real interview for anything, and i have alot to learn. I'm trying my best and hope that's good enough. i did the application and i did it neatly. and i have status reports and i'm going to send thank-you notes after the interview. Be polite. say thank-you and nice to meet you. try to remember names and faces. wear appropriate clothes and just be yourself. dear Jesus, how will it be tomorrow? good or bad? easy or hard?

3/11/2007

11:19 PM 3/11/2007
Today liem called me. it was kinda weird. he told me hang called him and they went eat lunch at dong phuong and says she had problems. i told him i usually call him on mondays after work and sometimes friday. he told me about his tutor kids and how bad the little boy is. He said something about... if he don't call me i don't like it and when he does call me i don't like it either. what should he do?! i don't know what to say. because usually i call him, he never calls me. he ask me why i'm all weird about it. i told him i was okay, that i don't care if he calls or not. maybe i'm being weird about it because he doesn't understand. it's not that he doesn't call but the time i wait for him to call. he sucks. He also asked if i was gonna be on campus this friday. but i told i wasn't. because my interview. Yeah, Cardiopulmonary sent me a letter to go to an interview, and rescheduled it for this friday at 10 am. I'm a little nervous, but i don't to have high hopes and not get in. So let's see what happens. I haven't tols anyone but anna and thao-vi and some people at work. I want to tell liem, but nah, i don't want to get high on hopes and get devastated. I made an 82 on my second organic test. And this wednesday is my physics midterm. and then on tuesday is my biology second test. i don't know when the next chem 1018 tests would be but i knowi'm not doing too good in there. and it's my second time taking this course. I suck at chemistry. anyways, i don't think i should go for cardio pulmonary because i have no idea what i'm in for. but i thank God for this blessing anyways. Who knows i might like it. it just may be my calling. okay, i wanan go to sleep, let's see what else i can write. I downloaded some chinese songs. it's very good! i like it. i haven't been watching phim tau like i do anymore. I finished my physics homework and chemistry homework tonight, I'm glad. but i have a bunch to go. Tomorrow i have to go to organic and take notes and look at my test. I made a B! i want to make an A next time. I get to drop one test grade and i want it to be the 71. that's average and i can drop that one. i also have to print out study guides for my physics and start on some of them to see how the exam's gonna be. Oh yeah, organic recitation counts as 10% of the class grade for just attending. =) so that helps. i should be able to do fine. why do i have so much trouble with general chem? Anyways, after that i have to read for biology lad on tuesday and after that write up a lab report and do my physics midterm when i go home that night. SHould i do it at home or go to school? It's kinda creepy right? Man i need to write how i get my chapter 12 and 13 answers for those webassignments. But i think i'll do fine. i should really do the study guides. the last day to go on it is the 16, which is this friday but my test is this wednesday so i should really start on it. can i do it tomorrow? i can't i'll be so busy. Wait it hink i can. after organic i straight away and do physics so imma bring my physics book and notebook. okay i need to go to sleep now. i like these chinese songs. imma play them when i drive to school tomorrow.11:32 PM 3/11/2007