Living Dead

Today is All Souls Day. What a perfect day to write what I need to write today. My parents care about the world and how they are percieved by the world so much that they don't care what misery they put their children through becuase of their faces.
and this it true because of what happned to my older sister on her wedding day. they left her alone at her reception on her wedding day to serve the guests that weren't able to go to the reception and instead my parents stayed home to arranged a meal for those guests instead of sharing that special day with Hoa.
I can't live my life how I want to because of their faces. they would dis-own me before I could embarass them and I can't do anything to jeopordize that image of a perfect family. they wanted to take my life away, taking my car away and telling me to tell Vinh to drive me to places and move out and live with him. They almost killed me tonight. I was literall thinking of jumping off a bridge to relieve myself of being alive in misery as much as I am dead. I felt life-less and didn"t mind the slaps and hit and being literally stamped on by my parents. I have two big knots on my head to prove it. I wished they would have achieved murdering their own daughter before I could ruin their reputation. What's the point in living when I'm living not for myself but for my parents. I've been doing everything they want me to do all my life. and once I start to live my own life they crush it. I really need to get out of here... before I die. Maybe I'm already dead. Not literally dead, but my inner-self, who I truly am will die. I would be living, but not to my fullest because now i have to restraint my life before I embarass my parents. They think I'm sleeping over at vinh's too much and might end up pregnant. All i thought of it was convienient and sweet of him to have me over to rest up. I don't want to get into a car accident because i was falling alseep behind the wheel. I didn't think of it much, but my parents are fucking crazy. I hate their pride, it's killing our relationship. No more, I say. who gives a fuck, right? I never will say anything about anything in this house anymore. Well, i really didn't want to say anything at all tonight and just take the licks. i'm pretty good at that... taking hurtful things. enduring the pain. I really think that my parents wouldn't blink if i was preganant and had an abortion to keep from embarasing them. They'd rather lose a grandchild than have their reputation tainted. Fuck it, bring it on bitch, bring it on.... Life's a bitch... live it up or take it down.

Today was the best ever

I love Vinh and guess what? He loves me too.

Waking him up early in the morning to open the door for me so I can go to sleep in his arms. He opens the door with one eye open and in his wifebeater and boxers. and he gives me a peck on the cheek and locks to door while i take off my shoes. and then we go to sleep. When it's freaking old outside and I climb into his bed and snug my feet under his and feel how warm it is. And when he turns over and holds me like a bear. He asks me how was work and I tell him it was okay. and i asked him who won and he says LSU. and I ask him what time he went to sleep and he says i don't know. and tells me go to sleep. and we go to sleep.

when we woke up this morning and kiss here and there while being courteous of our morning breaths. hehehe... I held him a little tighter and i told him -you know i love you right? he said yes. and i asked him -do you love me too? He says of course! and we kiss again =) then I wake up and brush my teeth and he makes me something to eat.

Laying it all out there

OMG, so much has happened. I don't know where to begin. Why have I stopped writing in here?! I guess because I'm so tired and busy. Literally. But i'm living my life. =) no need to stop living to write about it as much. But all in all. I'm more alive than I ever was my entire life. Can I say..??.. I'm just.....

Living the life.

I saw him again one night going out with my girlfriends at masquerades. And it has been awhile since I've thought about him. I wonder how's he doing. I wish we could have been at least just friends. I want to ask friends around him about how's he doing. But I got no business to know. I kind of miss him randomly once in a while. Anyways, it's okay. Because I'm sure he's doing well. I knew we would be okay.. I think we both knew it all along afterall. I'm doing better, well actually doing very well without him. I'm starting to fall in love again when I thought he was the only one. I guess you have to let go one door to have another open. Although, I do still care about him, in spite of our non-existence of friendship. if we were just friends I would comfortably feel that I do care. The last words I told him was "Be happy and don't worry about me" I hope he is. Because I would feel bad if he wasn't and I am.

Jealousy

I think I'm getting jealous. I never knew I had it in me. It's a little heartbreaking with a little anger combined. =/ Whatever the case, I'm kinda sad. Feeling inadequate. Maybe this won't work out, I feel alone and confused. What am I supposed to do? Is he playing games? cause if it's serious, Idk what to do.

Summer 09

It's been a very long time since I've written in here. And I don't know where to begin writing. This summer has been blissful in many ways and quite depressing in others. I'm a newly graduate in rough times. I've been going on interviews and applying for work but still no luck. But all in all, looking on the bright side, I also had alot of time to spend with Vinh and getting to know him and his family better. His dad just got laid off this week and both of us are not working. And it's difficult to enjoy ourselves in these rough times. We're adults and must be resposible for every action we proceed with. Most days we don't do much and we're very bored out of our minds. Well at least I am. And I hate not to be working already. =\ Very Big **SIGH** But we try to occupy ourselves. I hate to be using the same complaint everyone is using with the slow economy. You'd think that it may not affect the healthcare system, but it sure is. But I hope there are brighter days to come. Sure there will right? =) I'm hopeful. I have my ups and downs, and right now, Let's just say I'm just not in the Ups, but I'm hardly in the Downs. You can't have everything right? well, I'm thankful for what I do have. All the people in my life. and all the small in bwtweens lil dramas and whatnots that's going on in my life. Hmmmm... I'm really out of tune with all this writing. But yeah, I'll be back. Vinh is calling.

Fun Times~!

Us

Sunshine Through the Rain

I don't have time right now to write everything that is happening. but the important people of my life knows what's going on and that's good enough for me. I guess the deal here is I'm going to live my life~! Graduation is coming. Had an interview today and hope I get the position. If I do, I start May 25. And I'm in a new relationship. Hope it goes well. I don't want to speak too soon. But I think this is it~! Everything is falling into place. The next chapter of my life is starting and I'm going full force. I wonder how Boston would be like. =) I'm going there with him. hehehe... He makes me happy. I fell for him the moment he started to sing for me. even deeper when he reached out for me and slowed dance with me. and Drives me to places... =). He's the man I've been waiting for. Made me realize how bad my previous relationships were. And Thao-vi and Tien says were compatible. I think so too. I love how he kisses and holds me. and I love our openness to each other. Ahhh~! I can't fall too fast to soon. I need to control my feelings... at least for another while... before I really get hurt. Even more than Liem. I think this time, I might not recover if he breaks my heart. Who is it? The one that's been there all along, Vinh.

Butterflies

I really like that feeling.
The beginning.
I never thought I'd go for him.
But lately, I've been seeing him differently.
I actually opened up to him.
Which I thought would just be about a small opening.
but it opens up more and more each day... and it's freaking me out.
I need to control myself too.
Getting out of hand here.
Maybe being in control was what messed up my previous relationship.
Well, learning from my experience, I'll be more open and trusting.
I guess I don't have to worry about him cheating on me cause someone cheated on him.
and He's too nice to actually do that right?
he is nice. and I love nice.
He doesn't wear glasses daily, but he does at night, lol
But I'm tired right now... And I'm just enjoying the moment.
how long will he last?
Not sure, but it feels good right now... and I'm just going with the flow.
let things fall as they may.

Goodbye New Orleans

I've decided.
I'm moving away from New Orleans
That's the only way I think I can truly live my life.
I think I will work at West Jeff prn until I paid off some debt from school
and credit card bills and finish the car note for my parents.
And also save about five grand to setup a place
and find a full time position to be stable.
I kind of want to take the GRE and apply for a masters program.
I haven't really decided where to though.
I know I'm heading Westernly though.
Either Lafayette, or Houston, or Dallas.
so far I have a connection to each city.
It'll be even better if Tien goes with me too.
I haven't told her about it yet,
I just know she wants to move away too.
Mostly to Dallas on her part.
I need to research about how much they pay RT's over there though.
And other living expenses too.
but we'll see.
most definitely, I'm planning on moving.
I'll miss NOLA, but no one will miss me, that'll make it easier to go.

FTW, Not!

Went to school first to take a written Echo Final.
Then afterwards... I attended the LSRC 2009 in BR today.
FTW?!(For the win)
Not me.
explanation:
winners: goes to San Antonio
represent state of Louisiana
and compete at nationals.
registration fee used to offset the expenses.
but only if lsuhsc-no wins.
Lose: Get a portion of the registration fee back.
I wanna get the money back.
Mission, Lose and have fun while going down....
Task 1: I drank one beer before competition started.
flushed and red faced and burping.
Beer isn't my thing.
So, I started on margarita number one.
everyone on my team was drinking.
Oh, Btw, I'm senior, Team Captain of CPS Raw, with two juniors.
LOL, I told them don't stress and just have fun.
We were planning on losing anyway.
Damn was I buzzed, laughing while answering questions.
LOL~! we even had a tie and had a sudden death round.
Very much excitement in the heat of the moment.
surprisingly, we lucked out and and got onto the winners brackets.
margarita number two, and they cut me off after that.
I got silly, wore my sunglasses and took off my shoes...
went on the stage and answered harder questions and still...
was undefeated~! We passed the preliminary round today.
and funny thing is... we wanted to lose~!
Going back again tomorrow to compete in the final round.
We can still lose tomorrow, meanwhile... we're just having fun.
Vinh drove me and Hue to BR and back to New Orleans.
I told him I was gonna drink. LOL. he didn't mind.
I took a nap on the car drive before heading home.
came home real late and not sleepy yet.
Due to the nap. at least I won't be hungover tomorrow.
I drank just enough, not drunk.
More drinking plus crawfish tomorrow~! woohoo~!

Oh, I have a video of Phong doing his birthday dance at Hooters today.
I didn't bring my camera, it's on my phone, must send it to him~! LOL
brining a camera tomorrow to take pics!!!

Reveal a Secret

I have a sceret and I shouldn't keep it to myself.

It's interesting how I came upon this secret, but for those who seek it... they may find it.
I think it was Easter Vigil Mass and a reader was reading the fifth reading that evening said it in Vietnamese. He did it in a way that I actually understood it. Well, there was also the fact that I was reading the English version as he was reading the vietnamese one. I really enoyed the reading in Vietnamese though. During Mass, and it was a long Mass I must add, it dwelled upon me that we have a vietnamese bible at home. What if it's written in the same way?
Well, last night I pulled it out and start reading. Yes, in Vietnamese. I read it out loud to myself to sound out some words I didn't know. I just randomly flipped through it to wherever I find it interesting or recall the English version of it. Well, there was a reading from the old testament about healing from a doctor and about death adn dying. It was really good in vietnmese so I bookmarked it by folding it. It was late already so I went to sleep.
Tonight I pulled it out again to bookmark it better with a sticky tab. And I pulled the American bible out too to find the translation and what book/chapter it really is. Come to find, it was Sirach 38. It took me a while to figure out "Sach Huan Ca" is Sirach. But when I found it and the readings matched in translation, I was intrigued by it. The readings were very attracting. I read the first 4 chapters. I really like it. so here I am writing this. My secret was keeping this book all to myself. Because how it relates to me in my life right now. it calls to me and I feel blessed with much grace from it. I wanted to just read and learn from it and live my life better. I didn't want to share it because it might reveal my sins, but it told me not to keep it to myself but to share it instead. So, I reccommend the book of Sirach if you want to read the bible. I might even say it may be my favorite book in the bible so far. I can sense the greatness of the Lord through the readings. I find there is something greater out there much more than myself. I feel little again. I feel simplified.
I wanna revert back to my simplier ways. Go back to when things were umaccomplished and there was much to do. And that whatever I have accomplished already means nothing. I want to have significant and meaningful goals but approach them in humblier ways, and be blessed in tiny amounts. I don't wanna be over my head and arrogant. I don't want ego to drive my soul. I don't pride to guide my ways. I need to find a better outlet. A way to live through the Lord, for him.

Good Friday

I'm Bored... and frustrated....working on paper. Urgh~!
I'll be gone for another while...

Keri Hilson - Knock you Down

Heh.. not again..
Ohh.. this ain’t supposed to happen to me..

[Kanye West]
Keep rockin, and keep knockin
Whether you Louie Vouitonn it up or Reebokin
You see the hate, that they’re servin on a platter
So what we gon’ have - dessert or disaster?

[Keri Hilson]
I never thought I’d.. be in love like this
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip
Then you came in.. and knocked me on my face
Feels like in I’m a race
but I already won first place

I never thought I’d fall for you as hard as I did
(as hard as I did, yeah)
You got me thinkin bout our life our house and kids (yeah)
Every mornin I look at you and smile
cause boy you came around and you knocked me down.. knocked me down

[Chorus]
Sometimes love comes around
(love comes around love comes around)
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(love comes around)
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(knocks you down)

[Ne-Yo]
I never thought Id
hear myself say (ooh)
Ya’ll gon head
I think I’m gonna kick it wit my girl today (kick it wit my girl today)
I used to be commander and chief
of my pimp ship flyin high (flyin high)
til i met this pretty little missile that shot me out the sky (ohhh shot me out the sky)

Hey, now Im crashing, don’t know how it happened
But I know it feels so damn good
Said if I could back, and make it happen faster
Don’t you know I would baby if I could
Miss independent (ohh, to the fullest), the load never too much
she helpin me pull it
she shot the bullet that ended that life
I swear to u the pimp in me just died tonight,
girl sometimes love

[Keri Hilson]

[Chorus]
Sometimes love comes around
(love comes around)
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(love comes around)
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(knocks you down)

[Kanye West]
Tell me now can you make it past your caspers
So we can finally fly off into NASA
you was always the cheerleader of my dreams that
seem to only date the head of football teams
and I was the class clown that, always kept you laughin
We, were never meant to be baby we just happen
so please, don’t mess up the trick.. hey young world I’m the new slick rick
they say I move too quick, but we can't let the moment pass us
Let the hourglass pass right into ashes
let the wind blow the ash right before my glasses
So I wrote this love letter right before my classes
How could a goddess ask, someone that’s only average
For advice
OMG, you listen to that bitch?
Whoa it’s me
Baby this is tragic
Cause we had it, we was magic


I was flyin, now I’m crashin
this is bad, real bad, michael jackson
now I’m mad, real mad, joe jackson
you should leave your boyfriend now, Imma ask him

[Keri Hilson]
Say u gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past
oh Cause, I don’t wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don’t wanna fall back on my face again
Whoaa, whoaaa
I’ll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call
Whoaa, whoaaa
and if it hits better make it worth the fall

(When it comes around)

[Chorus]
Sometimes love comes around
(love comes around)
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(love comes around)
and it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(knocks you down)

Won’t see it coming when it happens (hey)
but when it happens you’re gonna feel it, let me tell you now
you see when love knocks you down

Won’t see it coming when it happens
but when it happens you’re gonna feel it, let me tell you now
you see when love knocks you down
yeah

Love and Consequences

So I'm doing something that is not usually me. But it's okay. I think.
this whole image of me that I put on myself all these years...
The way we encounter love in its purest form.
I'm not perfect or whole or innocent as I was the first time I experienced Love.
I've been there done that. I'm over it I guess.
I guess we're all damaged one way or another.
The things I thought that mattered, doesn't seem too significant anymore.
I guess my image of Love is tainted, and from now on, will always be.
I always tried to avoid the player type kind of guys.
but I'm such a hypocrite because I'm the girl version of those people.
I never thought I would do that to guys, nice guys too.
I didn't realize I was two timing... briefly.
I don't want to do that again, I feel slutty.
Right when I cleared things with Ton, I had to let go of another guy.
Tien and Thao-vi said me and Ton doesn't look like a good match.
And I told them about the crushing hand holding.
It's complicated when I still like them but know that it won't work.
I don't see potential with Ton; and I don't see a future with Cuong.
Cuong actually helped me get through the situation with Ton.
He told me to stop leading Ton on.
and teased me when Ton was holding my hand too tight because he didn't wanna lose me.
He was so easy to talk to and I opened up to him.
Which is something that's hard to come by for me.
I couldn't beleive how easily we connected.
But he's married. I can't have a relationship with someone who's married.
He has a kid, I'm not ready for that.
So I had to let him go too, stop leading him on.
No matter how much I easily fell for him, I had to do the right thing.
I really like him.
He's a guy I know I can love.
I guess that's all it takes for me when I meet a guy.
If his personality is easy going, his voice isn't annoying, and he smiles...
He's cute but not too good looking and doesn't bullshit talk.. we can do.
I finally found someone I could look at and not get tired of.
I knew it because the way I looked at him was the same way I looked at Liem.
Staring at him like a crazy person. Not letting my eyes off him.
I guess I'm letting go another chance at happiness.
Sigh* if only I met him before his wife did.
I liked the craziness between us. It's a spark, a connection.
I like his forwardness when he asked me if I like him.
All because of the way I was looking at him.
Or when he tried to hold my hand... and asked me how it felt.
And his hands were kind hands... and it fit nicely too.
I guess I'm pretty easy to read when I'm into someone.
I kind of miss him texting me.
But also relieved he stopped calling and texting me too.
He really does respect me, like he said he would.
I'm too immature for him anyways and he's been through alot.
He's 30 and need someone on the same level as him.
Not a silly naive little girl like me.
I kind of regret not giving him a chance...
But there's so many things I can't deal with.
His smoking is #1, his drug dealing past, and his wife~!
He says he doesn't do drugs or deal anymore ever since his son.
He says he didn't get a divorce yet because he can't afford it and loves his son.
He says his wife isn't with him for the past two years...
and that she's having another relationship with another guy.
There's so much going on his life already, He can't fit me in there.
I didn't see my future with him. My parents would disagree.
The have higher hopes for me and my friends won't allow a controlling and possibly abusive relationship.
He had alot of history....
But anyways, it's time to move on again.
This should be easier than Liem.
I feel the same way Tien does about Hung.
I'm glad I could finally talk to someone about my break up with Liem.
If I do see Liem again, I would fall in love with him again easily.
I miss him. I cry thinking about us. And I hate it.
But we will never be. I know that he will never love me again.
And one day he will meet that girl who he will love much more than he does me.
And I can be happy for him that he finds that person.
and I know we can never be friends because there's so much feelings between us.
There's not a day that passes by without me thinking about him at least once.
Every fucking day, I think about him at least once... sometimes all day.
I know it's been over a year that we've broken up.
And I do a very good job at hiding my thoughts of him.
even under all these journals in my blogspot.
I write it, so that maybe he can see it.
I still love him. I hate that I still do because we can never be together again.
It just can't... and I know it will not happen ever again.
He;s always in my mind and deep inside my heart and I love him no matter what.
It's sickening and I hate myself.
I want to get over him! but I can't stop thinking about him.
He doesn't love me. and I know that!
I make myself think that he still loves me in my heart, mind, dreams, and fantasies.
But in reality, He doesn't.
But you gotta just live with it. I guess we all do.
It's better this way. and yes you can love someone and not be with them.

Been Busy

so much has happened. I can't write down everything that happened.
but here's the gist of it.
Ton and I are friends.
LOL!! it was funny.
I'm glad we can still be friends after all that.
We've been friends and always will be.
We tried otherwise and it didn't work.
I'm so glad he felt the same way.
And I knew he did too! LOL!
Met someone new. I can't beleive how quickly it happened.
He's got alot of history.
I'm scared but also excited, it may be a downfall.
His name is Cuong Le and he's crazy.
I think I'm even crazier.
I want to get out, but somehow, he pulls me back in.
He's got that manliness that I'm attracted to
But I know it's no good for me
He's controlling and gets mad easily.
I have to comfort him alot.
I'm defensive alot and he hates that.
I can't trust people..... or become vulnerable.
But he's pushing all my right buttons. I'm scared.
I must say... He's my counter ego.
We're just friends though. Too soon for anything.
He said he'd give it a shot if I want to too.
But I tried backing away, but it didn't work.
This is the trouble I get into, for being Lonely for too long.
I want love... not just anyone at the moment to fill the void.
I kind of wish I never met him.
I love Tien more and more each day!
Not in a lesbian way.
She let me play with her dogs!
I'm getting to know her more each day.
We're similar, but different. It's good.
She introduced me to a new place.
The view was magnificent!
All I can think about was Liem.
I know deep down inside, I love him.
I finally spilled my beans to Thu today at lunch.
I told Thu my secrets of my love life.
And didn't judge me....
She still loves me!
Vinh is getting closer.
He's getting to know me more now than the past two years.
Mostly because I'm quickly becoming best friends with Tien.
But he's a good friend too.
Crawfish boil tomorrow.

Incompatible

I brought on myself some complication.
I tried, and it doesn't feel right.
I knew it.
So how do I tell him?
I must do it soon.
Stop leading him on.
And I think he knows it too.
We're incompatible.
When we held hands, it was kinds sqooshing mines.
I felt pressure points between my fingers from his knuckles.
And that was one sign, it doesn't feel right.
Another one, his arms are too short.
When he tried to lay his hand on my lap, it didn't reach comfortably.
And for me, the little things means alot to me.
Well, he's short altogether.
I can't wear heels if I stand next to him, and I love wearing tall shoes.
Another one, and he's said it himself: he has a short one too.
But there are good things about him too.
Things he does and put effort into.
He's more out going than my former boyfriend.
He texts me to check up on me and see what I'm doing.
He offers to drive. And when we switch places,
he closes the door for me when I get in.
He take alot of initiatives. Making the first move.
Like holding me first when I told him I'm an easily cold person.
Trying to kiss me first and I pulled away.
After I let him kiss me, he wanted to cuddle and watch TV.
Then did his move with my ear. And I cannot believe how good that felt.
But that's just pure lust. which is not good.
He speaks his mind outloud. Even if it's obnoxious.
I know he thinks about sex alot.
Which scares me because he might just want sex.
He would go through lengths for his friends.
He treats his friends very well.
So I know he will treat me well too.
He's mature in some ways, but still childish in many ways.
He should be more serious about school and getting done.
But he makes excuses and sometimes really lazy.
I can't deal with laziness.
He's in no condition to date right now.
and I think he knows it too.
He didn't text me so far... so I guess he doesn't want to go any further either.

Snogged

I kissed Ton and we made out. And it was very good. The best for me actually. It's a little too good to be true. But he's definitely a good kisser. Which is bad because it's very tempting. But I can still control myself. Maybe because I'm not in love with him so it's easier to control. But for him on the other hand, it's totally opposite. Guys are animals. *sigh* he's done it twice already. And I feel like I'm just another girl to him. But he surely do know how to make a girl feel good. But he's so nasty it's a little disturbing. Am I crazy?! Maybe. Can I sit here and over think a few things? I guess that's what this blog is for right. I can't believe I kissed him. I guess I really miss being with a guy. I love kissing and cuddling. At some moments, I think it feel just right when we're wrapped in each other's arms. But sometimes I feel it's too forced. And I think we're so incompatible in so many ways; I don't think it'll work. But I have to try. I guess I'm doing that. I want to see how it is to really try. You never know I might just love him to death. We've been friends for so long and he says stuff that's on his mind. Even things that's a turnoff like his obscene sex advances but he's being himself. It's nothing new to me. At least he lets me know what's he's thinking of. Which kind of pressures me into it. He might not know it, but when he says those things and I'm thinking of it too. Ahhh!! It's just so easy to fall into my sexually urges. It's bad I know. I feel embarassed and scared and nervous about it. I'm totally not ready, and I made that clear and he understands. I feel so bad cause I left him hanging there hard and all. I don't think we'll be making out for a while to avoid that situation. Sigh, it'll be really sad when I tell him that. But I like him holding me to sleep and cuddling with me. I think he likes it too. Sigh* that's enough for now, how much more can I write about making out right? It was fun. I want to do it again.... but I'm scared it might lead to other things. And I don't want to have sex before marriage. Oh, and I texted Tien about it.

Places

I didn't want to lie to Tien about trying that Siamese Thai restuarant by TJmaxx. It was a coincidence that we both shared that places with our former boyfriends. How is she cool about going back there and I'm not? One day I will go back to all the places I've been trying to avoid. I will dedicate a whole day going to those places and just spend time thinking about it. Just because... I don't know. Sigh, I'm pathetic. I guess I'm not really over him. Tien is over Hung, why am I still hung up on Liem? I should be able to go to the places where we used to eat and be fine right? I don't know. I don't want to feel sad because I know memories will come up if or when I do go back to those places. I just think about how things would be if we were still together and it hurts. I hate to tear up and have that heavy feeling inside my heart bearing down with so much pressure. I feel my mistakes are living in the present moment all over again. I hate that feeling of sadness. It's overwhelming and pretty much pathetic!! I haven't been back to Puccino's on Severn ever since that night or Kanno's or Bonnabel Boat Launch or Lakefront and many other places. I try to avoid going to our places and think of new places to go instead. Like Equator instead of Siamese, Puccino's on Veterans instead of Severn, Borders on St. Charles instead of Causeway. Of course there are places I still go to like Barnes & Nobles and Little Tokyo just because I love those places. But if I can avoid a place we shared, I would. Sigh, there's so many places too. On my birthday, Ton suggested to go to the Lakefront to hangout, but I quickly suggested to stay by the Riverwalk instead. I can't bear to imagine to be alone with another guy at the Lakefront. I don't want to ruin my memories there with Liem. So we just drove around downtown that night and stayed near the Riverwalk. I want to keep that place and its memories to just one person. But I didn't tell Ton that. I'm up for new memories at new places and new experiences, but I want to protect and cherish my past ones with my first love. It'll be with me forever and I want to keep them special because they were.

Long Day Yesterday

I woke up around 9:00am yesterday and played with my little niece for a bit and then I got ready to start my day. I went to Borders on St. Charles and didn't study but read a funny book written by Steve Harvey about how guys think on love and relationships and it was pretty interesting and than I went to eat lunch with Thu and talked about doing sports activity together and I told her about how Gma was doing. We had a nice lunch. I enjoy her company and hopefully she finds something that interest her so she can set forth on doing it. After lunch, I worked at the clinic for 4 hours and grab free condoms on my way out. LOL! Black ones this time. Went to Barnes and studied for a while until Tien called and made dinner plans at Little Tokyo. I showed her the condoms LOL! We had a nice dinner and talked about Borey and I talk about my Gma and Ton. She also told me about where she used to work and about her Job fair day. And we also talked about how she got a free pregnancy test from her lab and if I ever needed.. LOL! I told her I would tell her if I ever have sex, she'd be the first to know. LOL! I like talking to Tien. She's cool.So we ate there and after that went back to Barnes and studied some more and talk and Vinh came and chatted with us for a little while and I finaly went home around 10:30. Tien wenthome and played Wii with her sister Vi and Vi's boyfriend Emerson. I did alot of things and didn't get come home until around 11:00pm. I showered and texted my friends thanked them for a great evening and went online.
I wanted to write last night, but I fell asleep on myspace while listening to someone's playlist. Thank god for it. I fell asleep and didn't know until near morning. I had a long day yesterday. It was busy but very enjoyable. Oh, And I started my period for this month. I'm starting to keep track of it beginning this month. Let's see how it would go. I'm planning to go to the gym a little bit later at noon and go study again at Starbucks today. I don't want to go to Barnes because they have no parking on weekends.

Starbucks

I'm at Starbucks right now, although I can't use the internet to log onto Blogger, I can't keep from writing. Yes, I'm distracting myself with time wasting writing. But I need a break. I just made a graph of components about Metabolic Syndrome (MetS) and drawing out the aspect of the direction my paper is going to be about within MetS. Quite creative I must say. Anyways, I'm looking at the most interesting thing across my table. A father and son enjoying cupcakes and coffee. I'm not sure what's in the little boy's cup, maybe hot chocolate. But seeing these two people and their connection is the sweetest thing. The father is well in his 40's I believe. Dressed business-like with a tie, tuck-in button-down white shirt, and penny-loafers. The boy is in Elementary school, I can tell by his uniform and ninja turtle back pack. Now, the boy has his composition notebook out and the father is asking questions and looking at his notebook. It's such a delight to see his attention to his kid. But why out here, in the public eyes? Isn't this a place not quite for kids to do homework because of loud noise and other distractions? Well, as for me, I have headphones on and currently listening to David's Choi rendention of 'How Deep is your Love'. I'm doing that for me so I'll be less distracted from the noise, but I'm distracted anyways. I'm bored from writing my senior thesis, and instead writing about non-sense. At least I'm making it sound like I'm busy at work with my typing behind my laptop to the guy across from me studying. I wish I was a real writer. But my grammar is bad. One good factor, the thought process is there. If I write more, with construction from a second view, possible deconstruction I must admit, I might turn into a real writer. I need to read newspapers more often. Maybe get ideas and actually talk to a writer and have their opinion about my writing. For now, my observation and writing skills just have to suffice. But isn't this how journalists start? I don't know after I start working, this would be one of my hobbies. I found one! I'm adding it to my list of To Do's. Start a career in Journalism. LOL. I do enjoy writing. Been doing it for a long time now. Just about random stuff maybe. Can I get column in a newspaper from random writing? I guess not. That's why there are blogs. Hey, it can happen right? I can dream. F5 for date and time [5:04 PM 3/4/2009]

Shivering

It's so cold in my room tonight.
I'm under two blankets!
wish this bed was smaller
so I'd feel less alone.
Clinics was okay today.
ran my first EKG and Stress Test
I'll do a whole echo study another day
When there's more time.
was allowed to go home a little early
but I'll have to stay after four tomorrow.
It'll be a busy day.
or so Mike says... I'll be doing more EKG's
today was just a practice for me.
I went home and took a little nap.
wrote up some checks and mailed off the bills
dropped the mail at the hospital before going upstairs
so Gma thinks she dying.
she told us she saw a ghost.
so I visited her again today.
I packed rice with dry pork strands
the vietnamese kind like salted pork jerky
and I squeezed the rice into little rolls for her
Hong cut her toe nails
mom and dad got her holy stuff placed around her room
she seems okay, I hope she is
dropped Vuong's insurance card and rent receipt at his house
He's going to pick up rent money from the tenant
saw his girlfriend and said a quick hello
went home and I watched House
I'm on season two disc three
Anna finished it before I did.
she can't wait til I get season three from Ton
haven't talked to him since I told him about
not going to Date Auction or the party Saturday
I told him about gma and how busy I am lately...
I guess I'll text him after everything is settled down
I miss him

Tucking Into Bed

Just showered
presently curled into my bed
Ready to go to sleep.
A little bit more relaxed
compared to the rest of the week
Grandma is feeling better
but still in the hospital
Her leg pain isn't going away
So until she can walk without pain...
I really don't know when she can go home
Been so long since I blogged
Where to begin?
Didn't go to any parades
really stressed from my crazy grandmother.
she makes me crazy~!
and my parents too
but I have to do what I can
missed alot of gym time and ate bad foods.
Although I did fast for lent.
But with the high level of stress,
I ate sweets and passed the time limit
far more than I should've
Hopefully I can make it up this week
I ate lunch with Thu Friday!
And talked to her about Gma.
I loved the building where she works at.
It has nice views out the windows
And I love just walking through the building.
I wish I can do that more often,
But I was walking alone.
So I hurriedly met up with Thu.
I was at Borders that morning and just randomly texted her
She asked me to join her for lunch!
Before I headed to St. Thomas Clinic on Magazine that day
But it's back to Canal St. Tomorrow
I saw something really interesting at the Clinic!
A big bowl full of condoms by the door!!
It was half full of Lifestyles black condoms the first day I was there.
by the end of the day is was nearly empty when I walked out.
and the next day... it was filled up to full again.
This time it's in a green packs and came in a bunch of colors!
I wonder how low it would go by the time I get back.
I was tempted to grab some of the colorful ones...
just because they were free and pretty.
But then, why would I use it?
Collect them maybe?! LOL.
Anyways, Sister came down Saturday
And joined us at Little Tokyo for dinner.
She visited grandma before going home today.
I brought food up around 6pm
she ate all the Pho I packed for her
After that, I went to Barnes but it was so packed.
read a magazine and walked out.
I felt a craving for sweets and coffee.
I immediately thought of Cafe du Monde.
It's been a while and it'll be perfect!
I bought home some, but was stuck in traffic!
But it was scrumptious because outside is very cold.
I love the perfect meal to a match the weather perfectly.

His Birthday

I'm always thinking of him. No matter what, deep down inside, he's a part of me. I wish I could tell him Happy Birthday.

Song: How Can I Tell You (Cat Stevens) - Liz Durrette
This song really expresses everything I'm feeling right now.

Sharing the Love

I think I was on the verge of becoming lesbian this past weekend. I never trusted anyone like this before! She is like my best friend right now. I would kill her if she tells people about me, especially my parents! I'm really a wild child that's been kept protected for too long. And I revealed to her that I'm really a freaky deaky! LOL! Well, mostly in dancing anyways. I never had sex to actually claim that. She told me she would have to get me drunk to see how crazy I get. Which will never happen! Many said that they would, but I never gave them that chance. I don't think I can even trust myself being drunk! But maybe I'll get drunk on graduation night with her... That would be an experience! We're quickly becoming best of friends! She talks to me about things that's deeper than most people would and I tell her alot of personal things about me too. I also have alot of fun with her too. We have so much things in common, but yet still very different. Oh my God! I can't believe how much stuff went down that night. Well, she called me and asked if I wanted to come out and eat dinner with Vinh and that she would drive. I wasn't really hungry... I just wanted to go out that night. I was so glad she made plans with me. She drove us to the westbank and we ate at Chili's. Vinh didn't know I was coming until our phone chat in the car and he recognized my voice! It was fun just hanging out and talk alot about random things and BS like we usually do. This time without the intention of studying. And then Ton called me and told me he was going to Masquerade with the bunch. I wanted to go, but Tien was wearing uncomfortable shoes. Vinh doesn't dance so he quickly turned down the idea. Tien was about to drop me off to meet Ton there, but I changed my mind and went back to the east instead with her. I stayed at her house for a while to use the bathroom and I fed her puppies! She really love those dogs! Then her sister called and asked if we wanted to go to Masquerade. Very coincidental~! So we waited until Vi came home and Tien picked out her shoes and redid her makeup. We had time to just chill and hangout. She told me about her dogs, shoes, and handbags. We share alot of things about our past relationship with guys too. Her's about Hung and me about Liem. It was also a coincident that we broke up with them at almost the same time and still coping with it. We listen to the same break-up songs! LOL! Anyways, Vi's boyfriend Emerson drove us in case we drink. Which I didn't but danced away the night with random people like a drunk anyways. And I tried a few sips of whatever she handed me. But not alot of course. I was totally sober. I hated the taste of many of them. It was like medicine. And I can't believe she took my shots for me!! She literally drank double shots!! and was buzzing the whole night! LOL! and Vi got drunk! It was so funny! They taught me how to do lap dances. LOL! And Tien really enjoyed her night with me. I made her dance!! She introduced me to alot of her friends and I danced with them too! They took shots throughout the night, except me. I don't think they knew I was sober... They probably thought I was drunk as they were from my crazy dancing. They got me a shot too, but Tien drank it for me. To me, that was very thoughtful of her because she knows I hate drinking. I told her about my sake bomb and that I don't like the feeling where my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm all warm and fuzzy. I guess it's the buzzing feeling?! Most people enjoys it, but for me, I hate to feel my heart racing like that. I don't think I can ever get to the point of drunkeness. I can dance without drinking to loosen up. I just love dancing! I met a few new friends there that night. I danced very vulgarly with them too. I didn't care too much, they were drunk and probably forgot who I am already. I didn't know they had girlfriends until an hour or two afterwards. Which was annoying that Tien didn't tell me early. I kinda felt like a bimbo for bumping my ass next to guys who have girlfriends already. I do respect their girlfriend feelings. I'm more comfortable dancing with single guys because it's just all in good fun. No strings attached and just good ole dirty dancing fun. I just like the crazy dancing. It's like a workout for me. I feel my quads aching from all that getting low on Tien. LOL! I also had a guy getting low on me! He was quite a dancer too! I think his name is Khanh. Tien told me he was in Pharmacy. And if Tien told me earlier that he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have dance with him they way I did. Same goes to a guy named Son. I feel really dirty for dancing all up on them like that. They were not innocent themselves because they were dancing all up on me too! It was all in good fun anyways. Nothing serious and I really didn't care. The person I handled most was Tien anyways. I told her I would dance with her like a lesbian! And Vi got a nasty lap dance from me! LOL! It was my first time giving one ever! Then I saw Truc and gave her one too! She was with Thao and I danced a little bit with her.... And Tram was miss photographer didn't dance with me! But we took some silly pictures. I saw Thu, Lan, and Jesscia for a little bit. But they were leaving when I started dancing with Thu. Must of been a night for them. I saw Dyanuh there too! It's been so long since I've seen her! I miss her so much! She was so drunk and hella funny! I knew she can drink alot and still be fine. But that night may be one of those crazy nigths for her. I walked her to her friend because I wasn't sure she could walk on her own. It was so crazy! I didn't get home til 6:00am. Mom and Dad didn't know I even left the house that night. I made it to 11:00am mass looking decent. But it was one hell of a night! Sunday was uneventful. I slept most of the day and watched House. Ton called me to go eat but I was so tired and grumpy I really didn't want to do anything but sleep! Today, I'm catching up on my chores and schoolwork. And of course, writing this blog! Going to the next thing on my to do list. Thao-vi and Anna went to the parade in Metairie, which I passed, my quads are aching and I don't want to lose my voice. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. If I finish my introduction to my senior thesis.

Slipped Up

So I ate alot today. I ate after the time limit too. Crawfish season is back. =( I can't help it. It was so good. Anyways, so I haven't been writing the past few days because I was a little busy. I didn't even have time to write Nga the email about my partying weekend. But I will. and I need to shower too. I feel dirty after eating all that juicy crawfish. I didn't go to the gym today either. I did the opposite, stayed home and ate with my family. I also took naps wiht my little niece today too. She came over and it's been a while since I babysat her. I love her so much. She's growing so much and so fast! But all in all, I had a Fat day. And it's not even Mardi Gras yet!
So, I'm going to the gym tomorrow by myself because Xuan went to Chicago this weekend. And I didn't ask Thu to join me because I don't think she really enjoys it, and she doesn't really need to. I went to the Gym on Earhart on Tuesday. I didn't like their old elliptical machines. It doesn't have the programs like the one on Veterans. I saw Son monkey at the gym on Wednesday and said hello. On Thrusday, I did yoga with Thuy Tien! We talked alot too. Shared alot of unexpected things. She knows my biggest secret, but I know hers too. I can't beleive how fast and easily I made friends with her and trusted her with such things. I hope this new found friendship doesn't end in catastrophe. I guess my past experiences has affected my views on people. But I shouldn't let it get in the way. I'm quickly trusting people, and I don't know if I should. But I'm willing to take some risks. She's seems like a good person. So, yeah... we did yoga together. Then afterwards we went to TjMaxx and got me a Yoga mat. It was about time I invested in one. When I was giving her a tour of the gym, we bumped into Huy Duong again. He knows Tien too. Had a little chat. and I gave Huy a rub down of his muscles. I wasn't afraid of what people thought. Damn, that boy is fine. Plus, it was all fun and jokingly funny anyways. He know he looks good. Anyways, before gym that day, I went to Ton's house again, and we just watched House. I didn't want to stay home and be lazy. I think, as long as I don't go home, I'm less likely to eat and be lazy. We planned on going Sushi Brothers today but cancelled instead. Which I'm kinda glad because there's traffic from parades and stuff. He also told me UNO VASA people were meeting there for the parades. I was kinda excited to see them, but the traffic and parallel parking bothered me. I suck at it. We can go another time.
Okay, so here goes. I've been thinking alot about Ton. He's always been there for me when I need someone to talk to. I hate to take advantage of him, but we've known each other for so long. He's the other person who knows my biggest secret. He was the first and only person I told right when it happened a little over a year ago. My friendship with Ton is kind of confusing now. Why did I speand so much time with him this past week? Do I like him? I don't know how to explain it. The big thing: we've been friends for so long, it's weird if it were any different. Is there an attraction?! Maybe, but it might be for the wrong reasons. I can't see myself being with him in that way. He seems like a perverted guy to me. But he's just a friend and I should be understanding to him, cause he is my friend right? But sometimes I think he wants to be more than that or maybe that's how friendly he is to any girl. I'll admit, I like the attention and the touches he tried to advance on me. Sorry, I've been lonely. So, I tried to imagine and actually put my heart and thoughts to him when spending time with him this past week. And I don't know. It's just no spark. And I can't help it. But I really do appreciate him for being there. He is a really nice guy, under all the crazy nasty sex jokes. Which is not a way to sweep a girl off her feet. Sure it's funny but it's also a turn off for me. And I don't want to lead him on. So I gotta tell him right? Will that be unfair? because he always thought we were just friends and that he didn't know I was trying to give him a chance with me. Or just forget all together and spare the awkward conversation and still be friends like we are. I think we can spare it. I think I'm just overthinking it. And I'm lonely. I wish I had a boyfriend. Now, I sound like a pathetic loser. A lonely girl. Who has a single guy in front of her... and we've been friends for so long. Huh? Classic isn't it? I'm stupid. Well, I know I don't have feelings for him that way. Even if I force it, it's doesn't feel right.

Checking Out

Damn!! So I was driving home after workingout and I saw this hot guy washing his BMW with his shirt off. He's not buff, but his skin complexion was a nice asian tan. Damn, call me crazy but I was looking hard and smiling. He had some nice natural guyish curves on him. I was singing a song in the car and couldn't help laughing out loud from being excited. He's was the higlight of my day. A strange half naked guy innocently washing his car. And then I thought, hey he doesn't know me, so I turned the car around and got another glimpse. LOL! I love being single. I don't feel guilty checking guys out, and I am not afraid if that guy knows I'm checking him out either. He asked for it! I just took advantage of it. I cannot describe the sneaky things I do at the gym when I'm checking out a guy. Because it's too embarassing. I do it in a way that they won't know I'm looking. I have to! I don't want them to know how pathetic I am. Sometimes, it may be too obvious. I'm embarassed when I get caught, I just smile really big and then give them a thumbs up from afar and go back to minding my own business. I think it gives them a little flatterness and confidence. Oh well, I'm a girl I can't help it. I bet they like the attention too. It's a win win situation.

I think my level of health has gone up a notch or two. Body and mind. I'm more outgoing and more happy. I lost about ten pounds from one month at the gym 3-4 days a week. The endorphins are flowing! I feel really good about myself. Oh, my period is done! I think I'm okay now. If it had gone another week abnormal, I would go to the OBGYN or health clinic to see what's up. I'm thinking about getting a basal temperature thermometer. It's something I should start monitoring to watch for my ovulation cycle. It can be a natural form of birth control too called Billings method. No condoms or pills and such are needed. It's just an awareness of my own body. I may be sexually active in the next coming years. And want to be well aware of my body for when the time's right. And healthwise, it's also a good idea to make sure my cycles are normal. I want to be more educated about sex and socializing because I want to be healthy and smart about making decisions about sex and relationships. I don't want to go in stupid and not know what I'm doing. I'm a sexual being and I want to enjoy every aspect of it. Sex isn't just sex, you gotta be smart about it too.

dailyscriptureblog.com

Give all you have to the Lord God and trust Him to give back all that you need.

It’s not every day that you find someone who will give you a second chance—much less someone who will give you a second chance every day.

In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Walking by faith means you see God’s hand even in the most difficult of circumstances.

Sex Talk

I need to focus on schoolwork
Studied with Ton at UNO today
Hang out with him the night before
talked alot about my past and sex life
he shared a few stories himself
We've always been open about our sexuality since younger
even though we don't have it with each other.
but talking about it isn't awkward between me and him
maybe because I only see him as a friend
and not a significant other
that makes me less nervous to talk to him about it.
Well, we're adults
and things change
since our naive childhood
He had two experiences.
I had one. but incomplete.
I was ashamed of my experience.
Good thing I didn't go further.
It was with someone I didn't really care about.
It's funny Ton and I both once wanted to save sex for marriage
when we were younger, like back in high-school.
Wow, things have changed since then.
He tried to tell me...
Not to expect my future lovers to be virgins.
He knows many guys and girls that are not nowadays...
It's very hard and rare and not to get my hopes up too high.
Humph! I was kinda indifferent about that.
What a perv I thought.
But he's still himself. And its the truth.
I'll understand for him.
But he doesn't have to try to convince me to think differently
of my views on sex and relationships.
It kinda dawned on me... maybe I should've slept with Liem
Sure, part of marriage is the sexual connection.
But I don't want to regret anything and get hurt.
Which, I guess my heartbreak pain relieved in a better fashion
And yes, we talked about having sex, I felt scared mostly with him.
It not as open as I liked it to be,
It was hard for me to handle with all that temptations from him.
We both knew we had to control each other.
But where was the line? When did it moved further?
I was nervous and worried, but also didn't want him to think I didn't love him.
It was something I wanted to save for marriage and enjoy full on.
We were still young and unstable with our lives,
why mix sex and all that risks?
I know he didn't want me to get pregnant or anything, but still.
it means alot to me, and I want it to be right.
Maybe I did something wrong to him that day.
Lead him on and sudden absolute stop.
That's the only thinkg I can think of
that may have made him wanted to break up with me.
I just remember being sad and couldn't trust him anymore.
I always wanted to be intimate with him, but it have to be at the right time.
I hope he didn't breakup with me because he just wanted to have sex.
But I don't think Liem is that kind of person.
Maybe, who knows.

Never Settle for Less

Thinking about me and Liem, about two years ago, we was talking about him being the best that I deserve. He agreed, I do deserve the best. It's what my sisters was telling me that made him consider the thought. I felt in my heart that day it doesn't matter if he's the best, I already love him. But am I the best for him? he doesn't know it himself. But now that that's clearly all done and shot to hell.... What's the best now? Of course everyone wants the best... but is it easy to come by and how do you know it's the best when there's no one else to compare it to? Maybe I just can't be with anyone else! My naiveness has put me in a peculiar place because I can't see myself being with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. How can I open my heart to anyone else to even see what's better out there if there is something better? I know I've done some stupid things, does that mean I have to settle for much less than I deserve now. I hope not, because that would mean so much more to me than firstlove heartbreak. It's never being in love again because I'm not as deserving anymore. I'm not their best or they're not the best to me. Can they have their way with me however they want because I'm sloppy seconds from Liem? And I shouldn't expect alot from them?! I can't let anyone make me see it differently. I do still deserve the best don't I? I'm still a virgin... I think. I was very close to having sex... I migth as well have. But, I never actually had intercourse though. So, I consider that as being a virgin. Well, I still want to keep my virginity before marriage. If Liem did broke up with me because I didn't sleep with him, than maybe it was the right thing we broke up. I can't settle for anything less. I know I shouldn't expect the same status as for my future husband, but on my part, that's very important to me. I want my first to be within marriage just because I want it that way. Not because it's the church demands it. or I'm a stupid clueless little girl that's hoping for something only to be a self-created let down. And it's not a hopeless dream that will hinder the whole experience altogether and shouldn't be put on a pedestal. I want it to be special and right my first time to someone I really love. It's not just sex. Not to me. I can't believe I didn't see it cleary as I do now when someone tried to make me think otherwise. For me, Liem is the best because I chose him to be that person for me. I don't care if he has done all the wrong things. I still see him as the best for me than anyone else; because he makes me feel I'm the best for him. But after the best, what's next?! Next to the worst is all I can think of right now. I feel hopeless, maybe faithless on love. Do I settle for less now? I know with all the temptations in the world, it's very hard. Maybe we should just give in and give up. I don't know. I want my first time to be with Liem and no one else because he is my first love and I was the best. Now, that I'm less.... I feel inadequate for anyone. I feel like I'm not worthy of that love anymore. I wish I can still talk to Liem. He knows I'm still all new to this love/relationship/sex journey that I once shared with him. We're somewhat in the same boat because I know he really did love me. I may have ruin his future relationships with other girls in his future, but I don't want him to settle for anything less either.

Another Story

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by its color and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed, the mother hurried him to the hospital. He died. The mother was stunned! She was terrified how she was going to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.


QUESTIONS:
1. What were the five words?
2. What is the implication of this story?

ANSWER:
The husband just said "I am with you Darling". The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened. No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her. If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.

'As for me, this story is really worth reading. Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way we miss out some warmth in human relationship.'

There so much going on in my mind that I'm afraid to even put it out into words right now. I want to clear my mind, so here's a story instead of my thoughts.

Single Awareness Day

Today lived up to its name.
I found out something that entirely broke my heart again.
I hate myself for even relapsing again.
ugh!!! Van! don't watse time thinking about it
or even writing it
I'm going to sleep it off.
I made my mistakes, paid my dues.
That's enough.

My butt hurts

I think every other day I have some sort of pain on a part of my body.

Today it's my butt! I did cycling today. Oh my... It felt like I lost my virginity to that bicycle seat. It hurted me. I kept on bumping my privates into the seat when I was pedaling while lifted off the seat. So I leaned forward a little more, but the handles were right underneath me, and it was harder to lift off and pedal the pedals in that position. I couldn't believe the intensity of it!! I was afraid I couldn't make it through the whole class. But I did! Right after, I saw my former co-worker Danny lifting weights right outside the door of the cycling room. I gave him a big hug and had a quick chat. I just recently talked to him last week when I visited smoothie king. I told him about my Friday night at the gay bar and my plans for baton rouge that day. I forgot to tell him about masq today though. He would be surprised I did that two nigths in a row. LOL! He's been doing fine too. He told me last week that he's getting into Physical Therapy school. He actually works like one already and getting paid too!! But he still needs his professional license and schooling. hehehe... I'm so glad for him. He seems goal oriented and happy again. The last time I talked to him was at his Dad's funeral. And goodness... that parade... I wanted to meet Vinh at Barnes before gym and talk about today and stuff, but it was closing at 6. Well, we texted each other during clinics, but was not entirely texting in details and I wanted to talk to him about Xavier and the school of Pharmacy bad news. But the traffic on Veterans was crazy!!! We ended up at Circuit City though! And finally talked while browsing around. There wasn't much in the store because it's going out of business anyway. I found out more about Xavier than I thougth I knew. But it's not good news so I'll pass on the details here. There's alot of people I know in New Orleans who are in that program almost done or trying to get into it. Then I left to the gym and he went home. I also met an old acquaintance today at the gym. Man, I've been meeting and talking to so many different people lately. I guess I'm out more than usual. Well, her name is Lien. I only remember her from ccd, but I never actually talked to her then. But I'm glad she turned around, said Hi and striked up a conversation with me. I honestly felt intimidated by her at first, but once I got to know her a little more, she's really a cool gal. I couldn't believe how open and down to earth she is with me. I always thought she was too popular and pretty to talk to me. That kind of made my day. While at the gym, Chanh Thu Texted me and we made plans for tomorrow!! she's going to the gym with me tomorrow. And I'm going to pack things to shower afterwards. I usually don't shower there, because it's public and all but if Thu needs to shower, I'll shower with her... of course, not in the same stall. LOL. After gym, I was stuck in traffic because of the parade on Veterans. Near home, Anna called and told me to pick up movies at Vuong house. So I went to his house and talked to him and my two cousins who are there with him. They were just chilling and planning their night/weekend. apparently there's a neyo concert going on. Then mommy called and asked where I was. LOL! I can't beleive mom still doesn't trust me. But whatever. I told her where I was and where I went. and that I'm really near home. Good Gracious. Anyways, I got home, ate dinner, showered, took out the trash and did laundry... which I have to go back to finish now. Oh, I Love my Mommy. She's too cute sometimes. She finally had her own phone now. It feels weird having my cellphone caller ID show "Mommy". I can't believe my mom knows how to use a cellphone! She used to ask us to call for her. But she can call grandma or anyone on her contact list now.

Friends & Confidence

It's what makes me happy.
I've been losing weight.
Not alot, but I see the difference.
My skin is clearer because I drink mostly water.
I'm so happy.
I'm myself again.
I've been away for so long.
No more "solitude" mode anymore
I've been dead for over a year now.
I went through a bad relatioship and needed time to recover.
Am I totally recovered?
Well, God drew the final straw
And that's exactly what I needed.
I needed to beleive in myself.
to get through the pain.
When I saw my ex again,
It was a moment of truth for me,
That pain I ran away from,
In a way I still want to run away from it altogether.
But what I need to do is face it head on.
Have faith in myself.
I'm stronger than I thought I was.
I know God works in mysterious ways.
But once I let go of my pain,
I find God wonderous miracles worked in the people in my life
Everything happens for a reason.
I really believe that.
I just so happen to bump into Victoria today at Barnes.
I had a wonderful conversation with her.
As if the estranged person I've been didn't matter.
I've always been an approachable person.
And she said some really nice things to me.
I also told her a few things too about herself.
She just needed a boost of confidence and faith that she must have in herself.
I gave her the same advice I just realized on myself.
I needed faith in myself, I needed confidence.
And now I'm happy in my own way.
I was so glad I had that conversation with her.
I've been away from friends for so long.
and it so happens that lately I've been bumping into alot of friends.
God knew me too well.
I'm grateful for them Jesus. Yes, Yes I am.
After Barnes I went to Paul's house and had another great conversation too.
It's been a while since I had one of those with him.
It's also his birthday tomorrow.
I got him a book I recently read and ejoyed very much. "Rich Dad Poor Dad"
Which I also recommmened to Victoria.
She's a business major and I know she will really enjoy it.
I also got Paul a giftcard to Starbucks for his green tea lemonades.
And I sat down and actually talked to him today of how I've been doing.
And also thanked him for being there as a listening ear
when I was down in the dumps.
When I first broke up with Liem and did something
very stupid afterwards with another guy.
He's one of the only friends that I can trust other than Ton.
He has a perspective on things that's different from Ton.
But him just being there to listen means so much to me.
I wanted to let him know that.
I also told him my reconnected friendship with Nga.
And also my wild weekend that just have passed.
He doing very well himself.
He's enjoying his Master program very much and is very happy.
He's working and still have all his friends in his life.
He's a very good friend and deserves the best from me too.
I wish I was half as good a friend as he is to me.
The day doesn't end there.
I got texts from Chanh Thu right after Yoga,
I asked her if she want to go to the gym with me sometimes
We might go this Saturday if she's free.
After Yoga I met up with Vinh at Barnes to study.
But before I saw Vinh, I saw Thuy Tien~!
I gave her a big hug!
and we sat and did some catching up and talk alot too.
Vinh came by and joined in.
I really enjoyed my day.
I opened up myself to each and every person today in a different way.
But I let them know the truth.
I even talked about Liem to them too.
He's obviously been on my mind.
I find that without friends, I won't be able to move on.
But I am.
And I'm glad.
I'm grateful for friends. Jesus reminded me of that as of late.
And as for Family. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them.
Thank you, thank you Jesus.

Abdominal pain

No I'm not pregnant.
Why the abdominal pains?!
It just aches really.
I went to the gym last night and did alot of abs workout.
Saw an old friend!
Well, he was once my past love of my life.
It's really nothing, but to me, at that age, it was everything.
At one point of my life, I truly really loved him.
He was my first official boyfriend that I put my heart into.
Dat Le. I can't believe it!
Although it was at a very young age, I swear it was the world to me.
But now, all I can do about it is laugh of how silly I was.
I had no idea what Love was and now I'm really glad we're good friends.
We have a connection that will last forever.
I went to school with him in high school too.
We were classmates and high school graduates.
Even though we were never close, we still kept in touch and respect each other.
He's grown into a very handsome man I might add.
I think I always had a little crush on him, but nothing more.
I didn't know he was at the gym, I think he spotted me and came over to mess with me.
But he has the most adorable personality. I guess it's his charm.
I also saw another friend too!
I first met him in college playing cards or was it volleyball?
Huy Duong. He has the cutest smile.
Like a little boy who was up to no good kinda smile.
Though his smile did not change, other things have.
Man does he workout! He has some nice arms! =)
I think I've been looking way to hard.
Been thinking about alot of things lately.
And reading too. Like "He's not that into you" and "Rich Dad Poor Dad"
I'm longing for my soul-mate...
Maybe I just need someone to make the thought of Liem go away.
As much as I try to make him go away from my mind, he's not.
I hate missing someone knowing that it's all hopelessness.
I need hope. Hope for a better day.
Faith to keep me strong in my lonliest days.
And Love, because I know it's all worth the waiting for.

I also need to add: I'm on my period! Finally! It's slow but it's still a flow. It's not as dark like the spotting anymore. I guess I'm just having a long period. To think of it... My last period was really short. I guess my body is trying to normalize itself. Which makes sense to me. Is this like my mid-point of birthing age?! I guess reality strikes again. My motherly clock is ticking down. I feel the pressure of wanting children bearing down on me. It's silly I know. I'm only 24. But I feel my life is starting, but going no where. BLAH! But I still feel like a little kid. There's so much things I never encountered before. Why do I want kids?! I'm really a kid at heart. That's why I won't be a good mother. I'll be too much of their friend.

Spouse from God

Another Story I Found

A man and his girlfriend were married. It was a large celebration. All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and to partake of the festivities and celebrations. A wonderful time was had by all. The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true.

A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a proposal: “I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can strengthen our marriage.” she offered. “Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together.”

The husband agreed. So each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other. They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they would go over their lists. “I’ll start,” offered the wife. She took out her list. It had many items on it. Enough to fill 3 pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Nothing” the husband replied, “keep reading your list.”

The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it. “Now, you read your list and then we’ll talk about the things on both of our lists.” She said happily.

Quietly the husband stated, “I don’t have anything on my list. I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don’t want you to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn’t want to try and change anything about you.”

The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.

IN LIFE, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed and annoyed. We don’t really have to go looking for them.

We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise...

Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or annoying things when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things before us?

'I believe that WE ARE HAPPIEST when we see and praise the good and try our best to forgo the mistakes of our loved one. Nobody’s perfect but we can find perfection in them to change the way we see them. It is necessary to understand the difficulties and be a helping hand to each other….
THAT BRIGHTENS THE RELATIONSHIP! '

We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge...

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever. Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.

Time Never Goes Back

I found this story which I think its pretty interesting. After reading, I could relate it to my life.

And I hope that I won't miss it again.

Once upon a time, there was a teacher and his student lying down under a big tree near a big grass area. Then, suddenly, the student asked the teacher...

Student : Teacher, I'm confused, how can we find our soul-mate? Can you please help me?

Teacher : (Silent for few second, then he answer) Well, it's a pretty hard and easy question.

Student : (Thinking hard) Huh???

Teacher : Look on that way, there are a lot of grass there, why don't you walk there but please never walk backward, just walk straight ahead. On your way, try to find a beautiful grass and pick it up then give it to me. But just one.

Student : Well, ok then... wait for me... (walked straight ahead to the grass field).

A few minutes later...

Student : I'm back.

Teacher : Em, well I don't see any beautiful grass on your hand.

Student : On my journey, I found few beautiful grass, but I thought that I would find a better one, so I didn't pick it up. But I didn't realize that I'm at the end of the field, and I hadn't picked up any. Cause you told me not to go back, so I didn't go back.

Teacher : That's what happened in real life.

What is the message of this story?

* Grass - is people around you
* Beautiful Grass - is people that attract you
* Grass Field - is time

* In looking for your soulmate, please don't always compare and hope that there will be a better one. By doing that, you'll waste your lifetime, cause remember "Time Never Goes Back".

It applies the same in finding your ideal life partner, your suitable career or business, therefore the morale is LOVE & grab hold of the opportunity that you have now, don't waste time!

...There Can Be Only One...

it's been a while Hidden

since I've dreamed of him like that.
I don't know what to make of it.
I always knew I loved him.
I miss being close to him.
Most definitely close.
That heavy feeling inside my heart,
He triggered it again.
It's been so long since I felt that way.
I miss it so much.
Seeing him.
and I miss us.
I miss myself being in love with him..
I miss being held.
I miss holding his hands, just being next to him.
Should I just dust it off and let it go.
Or does this mean something more?
I'm so scared of feeling this way again,
I don't know if I can handle this feeling
Actually I already began, I'm trying to fight it off.
But somehow, it's taking the best of me.
To the point it's in my dreams?
It's obviously something I've been thinking about alot lately.
Everything that's going on around me somewhat revolves around it.
Is God telling me something??
Am I not listening?
What does God tell me?
What does my heart tell me?
I feel guilty for the most part.
Like I betrayed us.
I felt like I cheated on him.
If he knew, he would be so hurt.
I don't want that.
If he knew how stupid I was, or how imperfect I am.
or how ugly I am from the inside
He wouldn't want anything to do with me.
If he knew.. I'd be the one devastated.
I wish I can talk to him.
to know how he feels.
I wish I can tell him things I kept inside for so long.
things I don't even write but haunts me every effen day.
because I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't even bring myself, to even dare write out
what exactly happened that one night.
Things I have to live with on my own.
Not sharing the pain and guilt inside.
That was killing me for so long now.
Kept me from living my life.
I wish I can go back to days when I whole
I fell apart that one december night
and I never actually recovered.
I live with it day in and day out.
It's part of me, even though I don't like it
I'll just have to deal with it and move on.
let go all of it.
[2.10.09]

It's been a while

Sheesh Van.....
I gotta move on.
all this non-sense of my emotions getting the best of me
I can't let it rule my life
I have to take control
I have to think with my head, not my heart
I know better than to fall back into that pattern
It's like that dream I had years ago.
I know he doesn't love me now
and he never will.
I gotta face that fact and move on
and not make any excuses for him anymore.
There's someone else for me in my future.
He will love me and make me happy.
I just know it, I just have to fight through this feeling.
I must have hope. That love will come again.
Pray and be patient for that day to come.
When the time is right, the love of my life will be with me.

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Well, I don't know why I didn't read this book earlier. But I can relate to so many things in this book... it's freaking me out! Anh Hung told me to read this book a long time ago. Back when I was still at Delgado. Why didn't I listen to him? No wonder he lives his life the way he does. Fortunately, things happens for a reason and I couldn't appreciate it more that this landed in my life at this exact moment. I really needed this book. It gives me a sense of what I'm up for in my adulthood. I revamping my plans now. I just realized that I'm single and I will be single for quite sometime. Even if I have a new boyfriend soon, my tax paper work will still be filed as a single independent. And single girls like me will have to put out alot of money for the government. There's no way around it. Unless I get married and file with a spouse and some kids for dependents. I'm dreading to pay taxes, but I know Ihave to hurry up and pay off my school loans and credit cards bills. I also planned to give my mom allowance too. Because I love her and because she loves me. I know now I'm pretty much an asset to my parents. My dad said he would let me live in one of his houses... or maybe he was just joking, but I think it's much smarter to keep it up for rent and not sell it unless we're really feeling the pressure of the financial crisis. I really don't mind the paperwork and calling and being a bitch to the tenants while my dad plays the nice owner role. I never knew my parents were teaching me things I'm reading in this book already. I used to think I was just helping them out, but in truth they were helping me with my future and how I handle paperwork and business with people. Whoa, I better cool it with the bitchiness. I can never forget that time I bitched out someone over the phone and made my parents burst out laughing. I was just trying to get those people to know that vietnemese people are not pushovers. I now understand why Anh Hung owns so much apartment complexes and his store has extra space for new ideas he doesn't have money for yet. I think I will move over to Lafayette afterall. I really do need to get out of this town and it's haunting memories. And I would love to be nearer to my god-daughter and that cardiovascular institute is looking more appealing than anything now. But I still have to really think about it. I've been very bored with echo. And I know I can do respiratory, no problem. It's quite laid back and I can invest my free time into real business. And since I'm paying tuition and pretty much took out loans for my education, I should take advantage of it all and obtain everything it has to offer. I'm still young and I can do anything if I just put my mind into it. I'm really glad Ngoc talked to me about this book. I hope Richard reads it and pertain to his life also. I want Ngoc to be happy and be well taken care of. I can't wait to go back to Barnes tomorrow and finish reading this book. I have a quiz on Wednesday to study for too. I love it when Darrin let's me go early I hope he lets me go again tomorrow. I love going to Barnes and read. I have to pack gym clothes for tomorrow cause I have a date with Glenn to help me with my butt workouts.

Dancing

So, I slept most of the day and tried to get back my energy from all the dancing and working out. I think I lost two more pounds after this weekend. But then I've been drinking alcohol too and that may have a negative effect. I went to wal-mart tonight after I scrubbed the bathroom and got ready for tomorrow's lunch and such. I wanted to keep busy to keep my mind off things. Hopefully clinicals doesn't bore me tomorrow.

I can't believe it. I finally went out and danced my head off two nights in a row. I went to a gay bar and then clubbing the night after. I didn't planned it or anything. It was "spur of the moment" kind of descions, which are the best ones! I miss dancing. And good thing I've been doing Yoga so it helped me get back into it pretty easily. I haven't danced like that in years. I think the last time I danced like that was maybe the convent days. I think I got the gist of dancing at a very young age. I find out alot of things about myself that I never shared to anyone but only the convent girls knew. They were there when I realized it myself. I love dancing! And I'm a little ghetto. I'm really a black girl on the inside. I love to dance with my butt and boobs. And after this weekend, I don't have to control it all in anymore. I danced my heart out and it was a blast. I also got to see alot of familiar faces at the club too. I guessing they didn't think I would dance like that. I don't think they knew it was my first time dancing in front of them like that. But whatever, I know it's not a big deal to them. But I had so much fun. I'll never forget it! I'm glad I finally let go a little more in front of my friends and trusted them a little more. Especially with him there too. If anything, he's the only person I can trust myself around with more than anyone else. But in the end, it's all on me. If anything bad or sad ever happens to me, I can handle the consequences or pain it comes with. I have to trust myself to get over it and deal with it and move on.